I think my stepdaughter is stealing from us

[rainplace]

Quote:
I am willing to bet that at least 70% of this community has posted family issues on this board looking for some advise and a hug. I doubt that someone who has no interest in chickens whatsoever would bother to sign up here just to spy on someone who she probably has no idea what her screen name even is!!

Now, my name is my name - and if my stepkids take the time to sign up to read what I say then more power to them.

With how much you post, they'd need years to get through it all

 

[nivtup]

My Step Daughter was finding her way to my wallet at night. I was pretty sure it was her, although there are several kids running around.

I watched closely, and the next time there was vanishing cash, I called them all together and informed them that I just got back from the police station, and have finger prints from the person who was in my wallet.

The look on her face was priceless, soooooo busted.

A short talk, and that was the end.

She is mostly a good kid who got off path though.

 

[Overeasyplz]

You know why the police question family first in any investigation? Cause 90% of the time the guilty party is family lolololol my late ex brother in law was stealing monies out of my car for chrissakes. I caught him in there. Started locking it up everytime I got out of it, it's a habit i continue to do even though he's dead an gone.

 

[Sonoran Silkies]

Quote:
I havent read through the whole thread after having been gone all weekend, but I think you really need to be working with your DH along the lines of helping her to become a responsible adult. Yes, sometimes older "kids" need help, both with life lessons that they should have learned years ago, and also with practical matters. When you gave her a baggie of cat food instead of cash to purchase it, you heped in a practical manner that did not enable her spendthriftness (for whatever reasons). DH, by giving her cas instead of directly paying the bill enabled her. Suggest that next time she is in financial straits to pay a bill that he ask for her to give him the bill so that he can pay it. Or ask how much and write a check to the utility/landlord/etc. for the amount owed. The fact that she was annoyed with having the goods (cat food) versus the money says worlds.

You two also need to talk about the amount of money and goods you are providing. It is very difficult to know where to draw the line when you are operating on only half the picture. DSD's going to each of you separately, and you two then not discussing it, neither of you are really aware of the size of the issue. It could be much larger, or much smaller than you suspect. The focus needs to be on healing your family including all the individual members. If the focus is on blame, then indeed it will be a case of "his wife" pitting herself against "his children," and as was suggested, any man worth his salt would take a hike. If the focus is on helping DSD, then any father worth his salt will listen and be willing to explore options. This may well be a case where the services of a good family counselor would be helpful.

 

[Sonoran Silkies]

Quote:
Wait a sec. This is a full grown woman that is stealing and lying. I told my hubby and he looked shocked and then it hit him - his stuff was missing too!

When you marry someone, they come first. Period. Especially when the children are grown for Pete's sake!!!!!

When you marry someone with kids, THEY come first. Just becuase his relationship with their mother did not work out does not mean that he divorced his kids. Yes, there are times to cut the apron strings on adult children, but think about how you would feel if your own child needed help in some manner and your spouse felt like it was unimportant. How about if you went to your parent and asked for help, and you were treated as if you were a stranger?

 

[Sonoran Silkies]

Chickie'sMoma :

i'd say it is time to get some intervention with a shrink for her. it could be she has some serious mental issues that only they would be able to help decipher and make her aware of. if her mother was so bad it might be something to mention that she is heading down the same path, and it might scare her into thinking of a change.

it sounds as if you and the dh may need to speak to someone professional like a family psych or a pastor of a church. they could give you some better advise or ideas that they know have worked.

I seriously doubt it is mental issues (based upon the things OP has said in this and other threads. It is maturity and responsibility issues. Yes, a family couselor might be helpful. A psychiatrist? I doubt it.​

 

[Sonoran Silkies]

Quote:
Sounds like she feels like y'all are family. Borrowing is not stealing. Would she object if you "borrowed" her makeup or cigarettes? Some people are naturally more organized and tidy than others. I often forget to put away tools and other things I "borrow." But I certainly don't consider that stealing any more than I consider it stealing when DH uses a sauce pan or casserole dish.

 

[Chickie'sMoma]

i've had a coworker with a hubby that was stealing and breaking into a locked filing cabinet of hers (she had previous problems with him and was going through a separation), and her step daughter was even encouraging him to do a lot of it throughout the years they were together. her dh had hereditary mental issues that he would not go to a professional for, so instead he turned to drugs, and nothing very helpful. the step daughter was the contributor to the problems and supplied him for many years till someone 'intervened' to her about the lying, stealing and drug issues.

the op may not have a dh that has this problem, but it could be part of the mother's side that has never been diagnosed by a professional since they are usually paranoid to seek them out.

also, there has been a recent study (in England i think) done on adults that have been believed to have autism as a child but never got diagnosed as children. it could be that she has this as an adult and help was never sought while she was younger. too many people were told it was 'just a phase' and they just went with it instead of correcting it.

btw, this coworker also has a son with asperger's syndrome and he tends to take things without asking nor does he feel sorry about it. he just feels he deserves it when he wants it.

 

[Knight Hawk Ranch]

Oh, how I feel for you. Been there and done that. Thank goodness that my SD got in trouble on her mamas time and not ours. Her little run in with the law snatched her right back to reality.

I had a few things dissappear, a silve neckace DH gave me for a gift, brushes, and such. SD was a little hellion, even threaten me a few times to her DH and he let her have what for.

When we first got together, SD was 12 and had been with her father since she was about 6-7 years old. He worked a lot so she was usually with other family members or her mother. Hence, very little consistant disipline or structure.

Anyway, I went the rout of letting him take care of issues until it got to the point I was ready to kick both of them out and we had a 'Mama aint' happy' talk and this is how it is going to be. DH was cool with that and from then on, when SD pushed buttons, I would offer suggestions as to what DH should do aboout. He usually ended up doing so and fixed the problem.

SD is now 21 and has a child of her own and has admitted to a few things. DH found some of my missing items in some of her stuff she was storing here.

All I can say is talk with your DH and while children come first, he may have just tuned things out and/or is wanting you to deal with it.

 

[debilorrah]

Quote:
Wait a sec. This is a full grown woman that is stealing and lying. I told my hubby and he looked shocked and then it hit him - his stuff was missing too!

When you marry someone, they come first. Period. Especially when the children are grown for Pete's sake!!!!!

When you marry someone with kids, THEY come first. Just becuase his relationship with their mother did not work out does not mean that he divorced his kids. Yes, there are times to cut the apron strings on adult children, but think about how you would feel if your own child needed help in some manner and your spouse felt like it was unimportant. How about if you went to your parent and asked for help, and you were treated as if you were a stranger?

Now I know why the divorce rate is so high. When you marry someone THEY come first, kids second. It should always be that way - kids grow up and leave. Your spouse is there with you for your entire life.