After loads of reading, a few random thoughts in no particular order:
What changed two years ago?
Something must have. Another kid? Bigger house payment? Job issues? Medical issues? Extended family issues? Did someone die? Is this when your husband started working more overtime? Is this when the weight started piling on him?
Life isn't a romance novel. Men don't stay fit and thin forever, women don't stay slim and stacked forever. Candlelight dinners are replaced by frozen pizza, babies spitting mashed peas in your face and the puppy peeing on the floor for the 500th time that day. Staying fun and sometimes just staying sane requires work.
I keep seeing people saying marriage is 50/50. Nope. It's 100/100. You both need to give 100%. Sometimes one of you will have to give 150% while the other only gives 50%, but the pendulum should swing back the other way too.
If you're really only staying married for the kids - don't. Just don't. I know loads of adults who grew up with unhappy parents who stayed together "for the kids" and thought the kids didn't know it. Kids aren't blind, deaf or stupid. They know when their parents aren't happy whether they argue in front of them or not. All those adults wish their parents had split and been happier people rather than stayed married and miserable. That being said, I'm not a big fan of "frivolous" divorce at all. If you do it, make sure you're really miserable and not experiencing a mild passing unhappiness.
You mentioned that up until your husband started working overtime that "your" parents always bailed you out when you needed it. I saw a big red flag there. No man wants to be constantly shown up by his wife's parents...or his own for that matter.
I saw you mentioned that the original counseling had nothing to do with your marriage. I can only assume it was a job issue on your husband's part. I don't know what the issue was and don't want to know, but I'm betting that if he was
ordered to go to counseling then he will continue to resist any further counseling sessions. I'd throw that idea right out the window.
I'm not making excuses for your husband, but I'm not making any for you either.
If money is a problem - deal with it. Sit down with your husband and make a budget. Stick to it. Have an emergency fund. Don't run to the parents for help. Make sure the budget has money in it for both of your hobbies, even if it's just a little money. Show your husband how if he eats bagged lunches, he can save that McD's money for an extra ball game ticket per month (or whatever it is he loves to do most). Do the same with your own budget - cut out something unnecessary and unhelpful in order to spend it on your nails or your hair or a couple of new shirts.
You say you do the all grocery shopping. If his food choices at home bother you that much - don't buy that stuff. Nothing wrong with two glasses of milk after supper, but buy skim milk. And low fat frozen yogurt, or Skinny Cow ice cream bars, or fat-free fudgsicles. If you don't keep junk food in the house then it's just plain not there to be eaten. And you're not depriving your kids of anything but a lifetime of weight issues by not having it there, either.
Give your husband a half hour to unwind when he gets home from work. Everyone I know needs that. Make a rule that everyone eats supper at the table together with no television on - enforced family time. When the dishes are done, march in the living room, stand directly in front of the television, and tell him that you and the kids would really enjoy it if he would come out and play a game of catch/ride bike/take a walk and look at the leaves/have a snowball fight/play a board game with you for 10 minutes or so. Don't do it in the middle of his favorite show, though. If he refuses - demand to know why, and then ask him when would be a better time, and at that time go get him! Your husband may be feeling unnecessary and unwanted, and either won't tell you or doesn't know how to tell you, or doesn't even know that's what he's feeling. I don't know how old your kids are, but having them bring Dad a book at bedtime and asking him to read to them might spark his interest as well. Sometimes men can feel out on the fringes when the mom takes care of everything - the mundane
and the fun stuff.
I certainly don't expect you to make sure the house is perfect every single day or to rub his feet when he gets home. Hello 1950's, ugh, no thank you. But I am a firm believer that you get what you give, you reap what you sow, etc. ad naseum.
"Be the change you want to see in the world." -Mahatma Gandhi
So when he leaves in the morning - kiss him, hug him, tell him you love him and you hope he has a good day. When he gets home, kiss him, hug him, hand him a healthy snack, tell him supper will be ready at X time. I'm not saying you have to be sweetness and light all the time but you do have to show him that you genuinely care about him - assuming of course that you do.
If you put your heart into this and you see no positive response from him - then it's time to reassess and perhaps relocate. But if you just keep going on the same way you've been, then don't expect him to read your mind and change, because it's not going to happen. The definition of stupidity is doing the same thing over and over again and expecting a different result.
