Is it Wrong to have a "Crush" on Someone if You Are Married?

[CityGirlintheCountry]

Has he had a physical recently? It is entirely possible that he is depressed (which would explain a lot of what you are unhappy about). He is also at the age where a LOT of physical problems pop up. Add to that the 60+ pounds you say he has added in the last 10 years. Could be a whole lot of physical causing the problems.

 

[Chickie Mamma]

Quote:
BINGO!! Thanks for the hugs

I just want to clear up a couple points of others commenting about the "financial" aspect..
My husband only started working longer hours for the past couple years, before that if we ever came across a rut, "my" parents dug us out.
I did work til a year ago.. doctor's offices, supermarkets and until last September, I had an Ebay business that brought in nearly $300 a week (more than I would make part time out of the house) I was up early and to bed late. My kids were horrible sleepers, so I was up with them at night too. Dragged boxes and envelopes every morning to the post office as I drove the kids to 2 different schools. No one cared how tired I was, or how stressed I was either. It was also my Trust Fund that was used as a down payment for our house. I didn't complain.. we were living comfortably. The online business died out and no one is hiring, he knows I have resumes all over. He doesn't complain that I don't work, I think he likes the idea of everything being under control at home for a change. We are not hurting for money right now, bills are paid. Its the lack of attention to the family that is making my mind wander. Its about feelings, not actions. Thank you for "rambling a perspective"..

 

[Chickie Mamma]

Quote:
He has had his physical this year (job does it) and his cholesterol was high and the doc did mention he should lose a little weight. He did go on a "diet" for a week and was back to eating Mc'd's Angus burgers and a 2 liter of soda a day. I never joke or comment about his weight. I may have mentioned once that he needed to do some sit-ups. My 8 year old said he looked like he was going to have a baby. And said it to him. I was mortified. I was hoping she never said that but in another way I hoped he would take that as a sign.

 

[Chickie Mamma]

Quote:
WOW! I've never heard that sentiment. What in the world is wrong with Kirk Cameron?

He seems nice and is kinda cute.

The strange part of this is that I had a "crush" on Kirk Cameron in grade school ..

 

[Chickie Mamma]

Quote:
Thanks for the suggested reading.. I will look it up.

 

[Chickie Mamma]

Quote:
Yes, it is one side of the story. But I am not making him look like a monster either. Yes, it takes a while to lose 60 pounds, if you are "actually" trying to lose the weight. He will drink too much soda and if you saw how he eats, you would understand. All it takes is a little control. I make a balanced, fair meal every night. 2 hours later, he is chugging down 2 glasses of milk and a half gallon of ice cream. If it were a medical issue to blame for the weight gain, its a different story. There are better choices, and he chooses not to choose them.

 

[CityGirlintheCountry]

Chickie Mamma, please don't think that I am jumping your case. Given our previous conversations, I am very much predisposed to like you. However, there were a lot of people on this thread encouraging you to end a 10 year relationship because of a fleeting emotion. Emotions are fragile. Happiness comes and goes. My personal experience is that on days I am determined to be happy, then I am. When I wake up in a grouch and decide to let those emotions win, I am in a bad mood all day and am pretty unhappy with life. Either way I determine my mood for the day.
I do know that when I focus on what I do not have, the joy of what I do have fades. When I focus on the fact that I have no significant other, I lose sight of the fact that I actually have a pretty darn good life. I am blessed in many ways, just not that one. I can choose to let the lack of Mr. Right color everything, or I can tuck it away and enjoy life as it has come. My attitude never changes the situation. It just changes the way I feel.

So perhaps your best bet is to do the list of Pros and Cons about your life. If the badness of the marriage is so overwhelming that it outweighs the good of everything else, perhaps it is time to move on. But the deal is to move on knowing that you are leaving this man to be single. Don't for a minute go into it thinking that if only I ditch this jerk, Mr. Right/Prince Charming will be free to show up and will sweep me off my feet. Life provides very few feet sweeping moments. If going the path alone is better for you AND YOUR CHILDREN, then explore those options. But if you are leaving this guy only to land a better catch you are going about it wrong and will be disappointed time and time again.

Happiness= variable emotion
Love= action verb

Again, feel free to blow me off and I will walk out of this conversation. We can very happily talk silkies forever.

But please don't do anything rash during what is (from my outsider perspective) always, always, always a difficult period in a relationship. I would hate for you to jump out of the proverbial frying pan into the fire.

 

[Orchid]

After loads of reading, a few random thoughts in no particular order:

What changed two years ago? Something must have. Another kid? Bigger house payment? Job issues? Medical issues? Extended family issues? Did someone die? Is this when your husband started working more overtime? Is this when the weight started piling on him?

Life isn't a romance novel. Men don't stay fit and thin forever, women don't stay slim and stacked forever. Candlelight dinners are replaced by frozen pizza, babies spitting mashed peas in your face and the puppy peeing on the floor for the 500th time that day. Staying fun and sometimes just staying sane requires work.

I keep seeing people saying marriage is 50/50. Nope. It's 100/100. You both need to give 100%. Sometimes one of you will have to give 150% while the other only gives 50%, but the pendulum should swing back the other way too.

If you're really only staying married for the kids - don't. Just don't. I know loads of adults who grew up with unhappy parents who stayed together "for the kids" and thought the kids didn't know it. Kids aren't blind, deaf or stupid. They know when their parents aren't happy whether they argue in front of them or not. All those adults wish their parents had split and been happier people rather than stayed married and miserable. That being said, I'm not a big fan of "frivolous" divorce at all. If you do it, make sure you're really miserable and not experiencing a mild passing unhappiness.

You mentioned that up until your husband started working overtime that "your" parents always bailed you out when you needed it. I saw a big red flag there. No man wants to be constantly shown up by his wife's parents...or his own for that matter.

I saw you mentioned that the original counseling had nothing to do with your marriage. I can only assume it was a job issue on your husband's part. I don't know what the issue was and don't want to know, but I'm betting that if he was ordered to go to counseling then he will continue to resist any further counseling sessions. I'd throw that idea right out the window.

I'm not making excuses for your husband, but I'm not making any for you either.

If money is a problem - deal with it. Sit down with your husband and make a budget. Stick to it. Have an emergency fund. Don't run to the parents for help. Make sure the budget has money in it for both of your hobbies, even if it's just a little money. Show your husband how if he eats bagged lunches, he can save that McD's money for an extra ball game ticket per month (or whatever it is he loves to do most). Do the same with your own budget - cut out something unnecessary and unhelpful in order to spend it on your nails or your hair or a couple of new shirts.

You say you do the all grocery shopping. If his food choices at home bother you that much - don't buy that stuff. Nothing wrong with two glasses of milk after supper, but buy skim milk. And low fat frozen yogurt, or Skinny Cow ice cream bars, or fat-free fudgsicles. If you don't keep junk food in the house then it's just plain not there to be eaten. And you're not depriving your kids of anything but a lifetime of weight issues by not having it there, either.

Give your husband a half hour to unwind when he gets home from work. Everyone I know needs that. Make a rule that everyone eats supper at the table together with no television on - enforced family time. When the dishes are done, march in the living room, stand directly in front of the television, and tell him that you and the kids would really enjoy it if he would come out and play a game of catch/ride bike/take a walk and look at the leaves/have a snowball fight/play a board game with you for 10 minutes or so. Don't do it in the middle of his favorite show, though. If he refuses - demand to know why, and then ask him when would be a better time, and at that time go get him! Your husband may be feeling unnecessary and unwanted, and either won't tell you or doesn't know how to tell you, or doesn't even know that's what he's feeling. I don't know how old your kids are, but having them bring Dad a book at bedtime and asking him to read to them might spark his interest as well. Sometimes men can feel out on the fringes when the mom takes care of everything - the mundane and the fun stuff.

I certainly don't expect you to make sure the house is perfect every single day or to rub his feet when he gets home. Hello 1950's, ugh, no thank you. But I am a firm believer that you get what you give, you reap what you sow, etc. ad naseum.

"Be the change you want to see in the world." -Mahatma Gandhi

So when he leaves in the morning - kiss him, hug him, tell him you love him and you hope he has a good day. When he gets home, kiss him, hug him, hand him a healthy snack, tell him supper will be ready at X time. I'm not saying you have to be sweetness and light all the time but you do have to show him that you genuinely care about him - assuming of course that you do.

If you put your heart into this and you see no positive response from him - then it's time to reassess and perhaps relocate. But if you just keep going on the same way you've been, then don't expect him to read your mind and change, because it's not going to happen. The definition of stupidity is doing the same thing over and over again and expecting a different result.

 

[welsummerchicks]

I think the guy sounds exactly like me when I have a job I hate. Especially the eating. Note all the comfort food he's gorging on.

We call it the Work Sucks Syndrome, WSS. I see people who have it everywhere I go.

Start to gain weight, not care about anything, including relationships.

It means "I hate my job"

It also means can't get a different job, feel trapped, and a whole lot of other stuff. Some jobs just take a lot out of a person. It isn't necessarily that it's tons of hours or physically hard. It depends on how the person gets treated at work.

 

[TyrannosaurusChix]

its not really my business but since you have employed strangers on the internet to comment, i want to point out after reading some of your other threads that it is possible that your husband doesnt quite agree with your chicken keeping because of your sons severe allergies. You have also posted more than a few times about your husband breaking your daughters front tooth and getting his whole face burnt.. that thread didnt even finish without you feeling like you were being used by nursing him back to health. Also, posting about how much he has gained weight and STINKS.. on the net. this was posted february and march of LAST year. Its possible you are thinking of your husband like your 400 pound father and how your mom wont even share a bedroom with him...Perhaps you just couldnt REALLY handle for better or worse.

I am going to shut up now before i get banned, but... let me just say.. im not buyin what youre sellin... too bad you didnt post a pic of the stinky fat pig.. Id like to see him.