Life's many changes

[ChicknJ]

This board is such a great place to go to hang some problems out and get feedback from others. I would like to take advantage of the opportunity to get some input from people I admire and respect.

I have been in my marriage for almost 13 years. It hasn't been all bad but.... I knew the day was coming when it would end. That day is here. I put myself through R.N school, graduated and been working in an ICU for just shy of a year, and the growth for me has been phenomenal. Now I need to cross my next hurdle/goal. There is no turning back to the marriage. I have accepted alcoholism for my husband, he just hasn't accepted it. For those of you who understand what it is like living with an alcoholic you understand my pain. We have the best 10 yr old son in the world. Kids just don't come any better than this one. I have not talked to him about his Dad and I splitting up. I have an appt with a counselor next week so I can approach this appropriately with him. I don't ever want to inflict the pain on my child of splitting with his father, but I think he should see that Mom will not tolerate abusive behaviour. For several years I have weighed the problems of staying married with the problems of divorcing. They each have their own problems, so I have weighed them seriously.

I applied and have interviewed for an excellent job that would have me working a normal work week, no nights/weekends and holidays. The pay is more than I could have dreamed of. This is such a bittersweet time. Happy to be moving forward, relieved to have come to peace with myself and my decisions, so sad to cause my son any more pain.

There are days ahead when I will fall apart, of this I am sure, so I may reach out and say... Help me. I have so loved the support I have seen given here time and again.

And Hikerchick, if you see this, I have read so many of your posts and admired your ability to stand up and say, "This is not what I want, I'd rather do it myself" I'm here, with tears rolling down my cheeks saying "I'd rather do this myself"

I know some people have happy marriages, I've seen them, I am happy for them, but sometimes the decision to end a marriage is the best for all involved.

Ok, now that I have gone on ad-nausea, I'd also like to say, If I end up being the one to move out (as my husband has verbalized, I and our son will be moving out, not him)
I will have several chickens to rehome. I will keep my son's silkies and serama's. But the big egg layers, RIR's BR"s, EE's, Aracaunas, SF are going to need new homes.

Thanks chicken peeps for letting me, let this out. I am so intensely private, I never let anybody know what's been going on. Time to hide no more.

 

[HorseFeatherz NV]

for you.

for your son.

for strength.

 

[baldie]

I like the part where you said you want your son to see that mom will not put up with abusive behavior. My dad was an alcoholic. My mom literally had all of our bags packed when I was a teen and my youngest sister was about 2 years old. My dad has now been sober for over 20 years. If the alcohol is more important than you and your son then you are doing the right thing. He has had plenty of time to fix this which obviously he hasnt. I am sure that your son will understand. Its a crappy thing for him to go through, but nowadays divorce is common and I am sure that he has friends whos parents have been divorced also. I think its great that you are going to get help first before you approach your son with this info. You sound like a GREAT mom!!!!

I myself was an alcoholic. I quit drinking in May of last year. I screwed up BIG time and hurt my DH big time. The pain I felt from hurting him was enough to make me stop. I did not EVER want to do anything like that again. I couldnt handle alcohol. And being the fiesty person I am, I was wayyy worse with alcohol. And I never knew when to stop because I had had enough. That was my biggest problem with alcohol. I had 1 beer at my sisters wedding. and it was gross. It may be all in my head. But if you love someone enough, the last thing you would want to do is hurt them. Thats what made me stop. I am proud of you fro sticking up for yourself and your son!! YOu ROck!!!

 

[toletiquesbysam]

Divorce is very stressful, but what you are going to accomplish by it will be More Rewarding for you and your son! Prayers and Hugs for you!!!

 

[sparkles2307]

I'm really proud of you for how far you've come!

I am also really proud of you for trying to keep your son first in this time, most parents kind of get caught up in the game of jabbing each other and kids get caught in the crossfire. It sucks, our mom guilt tripped my brother into moving 3 states away with her and tried to do the same thing to me, when both of us would have rather stayed with dad in our hometown where we were in high school and had roots.

I hope that you keep your chin up and make it thru this with flying colors! You know what is good for you, go for it.

 

[duck walk]

been there...my boys are grown now and upstanding, honorable men...they were in grade school when I divorced their father...no need to go into the reasons other than it became impossible to stay with him...I was up front and honest with my boys...I did not lie to them about anything...and, most importantly, I did not bad mouth their father nor did I deprive them of him in their lives...sometimes I had to dig deep when it came to time sharing, but I did it...and now, at this stage of our lives, there is no animosity and everyone has kept their wits...I talk to their father and his new wife regularly and when my military son comes through, we coordinate activities and still time share...I want to hog my boys and their time and the time share always bites, but it is the right thing to do...their father was always on time with child support and such and when he took them for the summers, I did not have to do it, but I let him keep the child support...anger and bitterness and all of the ugliness that goes into some divorces is just not a good idea...it hurts everyone, especially the children...my 2 cents...I applaud you for your courage and for not letting anyone abuse you in the way that alcoholics can...I have seen plenty of that too...hug your child and take care of yourself...

 

[sfw2]

I, too, commend you for putting your son first. I'm sure it will be a difficult time for him, but it HAS to be better for him to be raised in a safe, happy home with one parent than in a sad, angry home with two. Here's wishing you the best of luck in your future endeavors. You know the BYC community will be here when you need support!

 

[thechickenchick]

GOOD FOR YOU!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! You have mad a tough but very smart and important decision. Every thing from here on out is a step in the right direction. It will feel impossible some days, baby steps! Please come back to us as many times as you need. You will be in my thoughts.

 

[b.hromada]

I give you so much credit for standing up for yourself in the first place. Most women are afraid to take that plunge, and even more so now, with the economy like it is. You're a strong woman, who knows what she needs to do, not only for herself, but for everyone involved.

I'm certain, in time, your son will come to realize that this move was in the best interest of him and you. I can just imagine, how hard it is to do. I'm so very happy for you that you have a wonderful job, and great pay too! That should help ease some of the monetary burden. Please keep us posted on your progress, we're all pulling for you here, just remember that. Here, many more

for your endevor ahead.

 

[babylady4]

Stay strong lady! You are capable of doing this and I know your son will understand. Keep us in the loop if you need encouragement in any way.