mad as a wet hen and needing to vent

[welsummerchicks]

The secret rule is, that because she did them some favors, she expects them to pay her back by selling her the goat. It's not that she 'expressed an interest', it is that BECAUSE she did some things for them, now they OWE her, specifically, that goat, or she is going to be really, really put out with them. The secret rule is the unspoken part of the deal.

The open part was 'if you decide to sell that goat in future, I'd like a chance to make an offer on him'.

The secret rule is, 'I did you a favor, in fact more than one, so you OWE ME and if you don't sell ME the goat, I am going to be very upset with you, so much so that I'll seek support from friends who I know will tell me to cut y'alls off - no more favors'.

The reason I learned about 'secret rules' is that in high school, I did crisis intervention, and 'secret rules' were one of the biggest things that caused marital discord - and calls to the crisis center.

And don't get me wrong. The problem is not that men don't have any secret rules and women do. The problem is actually that both have secret rules - they're just very, very DIFFERENT secret rules!!!!

 

[goatgirl4008]

I have done many things over my life to help others and I never do anything "expecting to get something outta it". So saying that I expect something really hurts me. I was raised to help your neighbors out and that's what I do I don't expect anything. And I had expressed intrest in him a week before when I took over a birdcage I had picked up for them. We live around a small community and everyone knows everyone. I only wanted the chance that's all. Maybe I'm to sensetive about things but I feel like I'm getting attacked so I'm dropping it. Thanks everyone

 

[duckluck]

I think it was underhanded of them and you would be right not to do nice by these people again. If they needed the money, all they had to do was say they had the goats going to auction because they really needed it and at least afforded you the courtesy of the chance to buy them there. It would have even behooved them to have another bidder (you) to help drive the price. That was doubly stupid on their part and it sounds like they might have done themselves out of a better sale, although I am sure that is small consolation.

Let them swing in the breeze for favors now, I say. It's sad how many people out there these days can't have honor.

 

[duckluck]

Quote:
I don't know that I buy into the "secret rules" thing...if common courtesy would, in fact, be common, we'd have a lot fewer problems in the world and that's no secret. I think it's common courtesy if you know someone who'd like something you have to offer them a crack at it if you don't want it anymore. No secrets or rules involved; to do otherwise is just plain playing games.

 

[Yoda]

Quote:
That is not what happened. The boy did HER the favor and she gave the boy the goat. She asked the boy and his mother that if they were going to sell the goat she would like to buy it back, she would like to have first grabs at it. The boy and his mother ignored that request and sold the goat to another person without telling her. What is it you do not understand? There is no secret rule here at all. You need to reread the posts.
I would be mad as **LL! It doesn't matter if they needed to get the "most money" for it, they still could've asked you. I know what you are going through it happens all the time to nice people, but we will get by. You could try finding the buyer and tell him the situation and see if he will let you breed the goat to your female. He might be nice like you and say yes. Please let us know what they say when you ask the boy and his mother - I would love to hear the reason why as well

 

[kbhear80]

I dont agree with welsummerchicks. Im sorry but i think there is nothing wrong with exspecting common curtesy. If she told them that she was interested in the animal they should of a least let her know that they were planning on taking him to the sale. They wouldnt of had to tell her anything about not being tight with money (anyways these day who isnt so most people would understand). just a simple a call stating that they are planning on putting the animal in the sale. I would say go with a sales contract but i have that they dont help much. From what i have learned you have to jump through hopes to get the law to back you up on almost any contract. We are having to travel back to Michigan to go to court over something similar where we trusted someone and the payment did not cleared (it was a few hundred dollars that did not and they proceded to lie about it getting a payment to us. Sorry about your loss.

 

[Marshmallow Man]

Quote:
Thank you. You manage to say what I would like to say, only you say it better. I like the 'Secret Rules'. That is very spot on. It's always a good idea to let people that you intend to keep associating with know what is expected. It's kind of like making sure someone you associate with counts any money you give them when purchasing an item. That way you both know how much money actually passed hands.

 

[welsummerchicks]

The problem with Common Courtesy is that it is not 'common'.

No I don't mean that it's rare. I mean that everyone's DEFINITION of 'common courtesy' is different.

Just read down some different posts on any subject here involving courtesy. You'll see each person believes something slightly different.

Did the OP tell the person when she gave them the goat, 'I am only selling you the goat on one condition, and that is that you sell it to ME if you EVER sell it', or did she not?

No, and that is when it becomes a secret rule.

We make far, far more secret rules than we can possibly imagine. In fact, most of our 'understandings' and 'assumptions' and comments about 'common courtesy ACTUALLY come down to one thing and one thing alone - secret rules, which constantly get us into trouble and cause anger and dissapointment.

 

[Ashmeade]

Well if it were me I would be ticked off too. Depending on the relationship, I may or may not confront them with it but definitely would not do business with them again regardless or go out of my way to do any more "favors".

 

[kbhear80]

Well i will agree that maybe we all have different idea's of common courtesy but i still dont agree with you at all. If the roles we reversed and I was the one with the goat i would of called out of respect for the other person...not just ignored them. And that is what i would hope anyone would do for me if i were in her spot. If i were goatgirl i may call the person and say hey my feelings were hurt and this is why and see where it goes from there.


I may be young (or at least i like to think i am) but my idea's about doing buiness is old school i guess. it all comes down to the golden rule. I teach it to my kids as it was taught to me and i think it applies to people as well as animals. I will not treat you any different than i would like you to treat me in return.