mad as a wet hen and needing to vent

[Ashmeade]

I agree and if I said I wanted first refusal if they rehome/sell I would expect that unless the buyer indicated at that time they would not be willing to do that. Sounds like that was not the case and I imagine when she asked for them to let her know if they would ever sell the goat they agreed to do that or somehow acknowledged that request.

Assumuing they said they would, they did not and with that in mind, I would no longer do business with them for sure.

 

[Haviris]

Agreed, it's not a secret unless she never said anything and then expected they should have told her they were taking the goat to the sale, but since she told them she was interested if they sold, there was no secret! Seriously!

Maybe this is why I don't have any friends, but I expect others to treat me the way I would treat them. I guess I do have some 'business friends', and they don't mind doing business w/ me, because I'm respectfully to them. If they tell me they are interested in something I have and I deside to sell it, I let them know first! I don't have to give them a better deal or anything, just let them know if I deside to sell, they can deside if it's worth it to them to pay my asking price (and depending on the circumstances and what it is, I may give them a good deal). One 'business friend' tends not to stick w/ anything to long, so I generally know whatever they get from me may not belong to them for long. I sold her some chickens once, and had sellers remorse, but was to late to get them back, no biggie, she didn't know I was interested, and we're still doing business.

 

[welsummerchicks]

I see it differently. What she didn't say was that if they did not give her an opportunity to buy the goat, she was going to be this angry - angry enough to complain and discuss these people, their habits, history, etc in a public forum and consider never having anything to do with them again or doing them another favor.

THAT is the secret rule. Only an extremely tiny part of the rule was spoken - 'I'd like first refusal if you ever decide to sell the goat'. The REST of it - the extreme consequences, etc, all secret.

'Our continued friendship and my good will rides on whether you give me first refusal on this goat'. THAT'S the real rule.

People rarely divulge their 'secret rules'. They think them, they do not speak them.

Another example. Kids are sitting watching TV. Mom comes home with groceries. Says nothing, expects kids to realize she came home and has groceries to shelve and wants their help. When they do not come in without being told or asked, she gets her suitcase, packs it, gets in the car and drives away at a top speed - driving so angrily she totals the car.

The Secret Rule is that if the kids don't help unpack groceries without being asked or told, she will lose it, pack to leave, get in the car, drive like mad, and total the car.

The KIDS thought the rule was, if mom needs help and the kids aren't in the same room where they can SEE she needs help, or HEAR that she needs help, she'll say, 'Jim, John, come in here and help me unpack groceries'. TOO, they often hesitated to get involved unless told to, as there were occasions when Mom said, angrily, 'DON'T HELP ME', and they had no idea why, so they would just shrug and try to stay out of her way.

They also thought that she had gone out to get a carton of milk, which is what she said, and she wouldn't have needed help with. They saw her come in the drive, but did not (probably could not) see all the groceries in the car or her coming in the back door with one big bag.

So, totaled car, angry parents, angry kids, angry husband. Secret rule.

Husband says - 'if you had groceries to shelve, say KIDS, GET IN HERE, SHELVE GROCERIES - NOW'.

Kids say, 'WHAAA HAPPEN? CAR TOTALED? We would have helped if she told us she had more groceries!'

Hubby and kids both say, 'Why didn't you just tell them to come in and shelve groceries???? Why not just yell for me in the basement??? I'LL DO IT! Anything rather than have you blow your top and wreck the car'

The answer amounts to: 'BECAUSE OF MY SECRET RULE!!!!!!' In other words, everyone should just KNOW your needs and read your mind.

This had been going on for years, and it had gotten to the point where she felt so completely unloved and so uncared for that she just blew her stack. She ALSO had problems at work. She'd work extra and then be angry she wasn't given more vacation time. She expected her boss to do just what she expected her family to do - to know her secret rules and always abide by them. In fact, at work, NO ONE got extra time off for staying late. NO ONE. They were told when they hired on, no comp time. Sorry, company can't afford it. In fact, company can't afford to hire enough people so EVERYONE is overloaded. Still want the job? In fact, those that stayed late were less likely to get laid off, but they didn't get comp time.

Not made up. Mom called crisis center screaming about inconsiderate children and husband.

She could not see that her expectation that the husband and children be mind readers was going to work that well. She also began to realize that even if they didn't all rush to her side when she arrived with groceries, that didn't mean they didn't love and care about her.

Mom learned not to have secret rules, and she was a HECK of a lot happier. She made her needs abundantly clear and it was amazing how much happier she was. She'd learn to call and say, 'I have a TON of groceries, I'm tired and my feet hurt, and I WANT HELP'. Surprisingly, everyone met her at the door and said, 'GIVE ME THOSE BAGS'.


If it was THAT important to get to buy back the goat, it probably shouldn't have been sold in the first place, or it should have been sold with a contract with first refusal conditions specified. Keeping in mind that it is not likely that a court would enforce any first refusal clauses in a contract!

No one wants to voice their Secret Rules, because they EXPECT people to do it 'as a courtesy'. Which is another Secret Rule.

And the most explosive situation is where BOTH people are angry about their own secret rules! Once I asked one gal why she wouldn't invite another person to her party, and she said, 'Because she was so inconsiderate of me so many times!' When we delved into it we found that SHE was angry because HER secret rules were not automatically known, exactly what the OTHER lady claimed!

Not everyone is going to agree that we have 'Secret Rules' and that they damage our interactions with each other. This info is just for those who are interested in considering 'Secret Rules' and how they affect us all.

 

[Haviris]

That doesn't match this situation in ANY way!

Ok, I guess if it was more like this, mom's going to the store, tells the kids when she gets home she'll need help unloading them. Kids are wrapped up in the TV, see her come home, but don't want to pull themselves away from their show, so they ignore her. She gets mad. No secret, she told them she needed help, just like the OP told them she wanted to buy the goat.

There are consequences to our actions, I guess the only secret is guessing what those are. In this case I would assume it would range anywhere from annoyance to anger. I would see that there is a risk I'd be burning a bridge and lose a friend. Seriously if you need every little thing told to you, I have to wonder about your intelligence. It's kind of like those silly warnings we laugh about, like 'warning don't use toaster while in the shower'.

I actually do believe it is possible they didn't expect there to be any consequences (of course if the situation were reversed they'd be seeing red), because they are alot of very self centered people that can't see past their own nose, and as far as they are concerned as long as it's not effecting them, who cares?

Maybe she shouldn't have sold the goat in the first place, but it was done, sometimes a goats quality isn't as obvious until they are older, or their true quality shows through their kids. Either way they desided they'd like to have him back. But I really think saying she wanted to buy the goat was enough, obviously there are going to be some kind of consequences when they desided not to inform her they were selling, maybe they'd get lucky and it wasn't that big a deal and she'd just be alittle annoyed. If we all said everything on our minds, and every consequence we'd never shut up.

So I'll just say right now, no secret (I would not be shy about answering if anyone asked me either, and if they are in doubt, ask!), if you burn me in business, chances are I'm not doing business w/ you again. How angry I might be would depend on what happened and how much it ment to me. I have quit doing business w/ someone due to something like this (maybe not exactly, but you get the point), but not been angry w/ them, just chaulked it up to leason learned, just knew better then to do business w/ that friend again.

 

[Marshmallow Man]

Thanks Wellsummer. I have always wondered why women act the way they do. You know the whole "If you loved me you would be able to read my mind." thing. It's really the secret rule. Making the secret rule not secret would be nice.

What I don't understand is why get rid of an animal if you want to control it's existence after it leaves? I have taken dogs to the dumb friend league before. They make you sign a form that they will not let you have the dog back. When you sell something it's no longer yours.

Right now I have a friend who is moving and has a real nice shed that he is thinking about selling vs moving it. He has given me first dibbs on it if he sells it. I will be upset if he sells it to any of the other people he knows. However if someone offers him 2x as much as I offered I will understand it. I will be a little upset if he doesn't give me a chance to meet their offer but we are friends and I will live with it. You never know the reason why people do things. Even when they tell you the reason, it is quite often fabricated.

 

[Ashmeade]

Quote:
I am sorry but that is just ridiculous. I do not know many people that would NOT be put out if someone did not do what they agree to do. The people's response to 'I'd like first refusal if you ever decide to sell the goat'. was "OK WE WILL."

I hardly think you need to provide people all the possible outcomes for in the event they do not keep their word with what they agreed to do. That is not a "secret rule" but COMMON SENSE. I was raised, and raise my children, that you are only as good as your word and if you give it and agree to do something, you DO it.

"Secret rule" is just a perfect example of people that do something wrong not taking responsibility for their actions!

 

[Ashmeade]

Quote:
I do not think wanting the well-being of an animal is unreasonable. Just asking for a chance to get the animal back is not controlling it. For the example you gave, you might not take offense to your friend for selling the shed to someone else for 2x more $ but I bet you WOULD be peeved if he just sold it outright with no thoughts or mention to you after he gave you dibs...

 

[Beekissed]

What I don't understand is why get rid of an animal if you want to control it's existence after it leaves?

This is a valid question. I've often thought the same thing about people who offer free animals in the want ads and the phrase "Free to good home only" comes to mind. I'm sorry, but if you no longer even want the animal, how in the world could you possibly have the nerve to dictate what others will do to your no longer wanted animal? It holds so little value to you as to be free but you really want to control the outcome of your discard? Sort of the same as this case...the OP used the animal for barter, said she wanted first dibs if they sold it, they agreed but later, it seems, changed their mind...this is their perogative, to be certain. There were no binding contracts and I'm sure there wasn't any real verbal contract.


I also think Welsummer has a very valid point...I'm sure these people didn't know it would bring down this much rage if they simply decided they didn't want to give the original owner first dibs on this goat. Once the goat was used as a barter or recompense for services rendered, the goat is theirs to do with as they wish...even if they offhandedly said..."Yeah, sure, we will call you if we decide to sell it." Heck, if someone acted like this about an animal I had bought or bartered for I know I would definitely never consider selling it back to them...ever.​

 

[WhiteMountainsRanch]

My first thought was when she saw it was up for sale, (at the fair I think) why didn't she go talk to them or say "hey I'd like a chance to buy it back"... too busy? uncomfortable? etc... I dunno, seems like that would have avoided all this in the first place... and if the goat was that important why sell it in the first place?


Just some thoughts...

 

[Rammy]

Ok, here is a thought............maybe the people with the goat forgot about her asking them to give her first chance at buying it back?


Rammy