MIL rant...I know I shouldn't do it....

[schellie69]

Vent away your plate is way to full and DH needs to cut you some rope he knows his mom he needs to talk to her. If I was you I would lay down the rules. She can go places she is feeling sorry for herself and needs a kick in the butt. IMO My grand ma lived in her own house until she was 97 my aunts and uncles all helped. You need to get a hold of the other siblings and work out a schedule so you are not always the one that has to do everything. I am a grandma and I refuse to give up my Mema and grand baby time. Good luck and keep venting if you need I will listen. I have an adult special need child I understand they do take time, but I have a personal asst for mine which helps 25 hours a week that they take care of things for her. It sure helps.

 

[EmtheFishLady]

I know how hard it can be with someone who is mean and grouchy. My great Grandmother is exactly like that. We go down once a week and make sure she has anything she needs, but she's too ornery to do much more than that. I just try to recognise that she's old, lonely and bitter, and overlook it. It's hard, but it helps that I make jokes out of the things she says. I was down there just the other day and she asked me if I was pregnant, cause I sure had put on a lot of weight....LOL. I just laugh and shrug it off, and I think that annoys her more.

We got a home care nurse to come in to make sure she has her showers and such. It's just easier. Most of the rest of the family try to help where they can, but she won't let anyone do much of anything for her. If she did, she wouldn't have anything to be mad about.

I'd look into a home care nurse. They can go and get them things once a week, and they make sure they've got their meds laid out and such. You can't do it all. It's more stress on you. Hang in there!

Just try to smile when she gets grouchy with you. My great Grandmother uninvited me to her funeral today, and I just smiled and told her I was gonna crash it.

 

[sourland]

I understand. The Princess and I have "been there, done that." We ended up being responsible for both of her parents and my mother. Not at the same time thank goodness! The only difference is that that were not mean/grouchy. At least the MIL and Mother were not.

We do the things we have to do. Feel free to rant and make sure to find some time for yourself.

 

[kelseygirl707]

Oh man, I kinda know how you feel, I have the crochety old woman, but not all the other stuff you have to deal with. I am DH's grandmothers main care taker. I am stuck in her house with her 12 hours a day 5 days a week, if the money wasn't good and much needed, I would have run away screaming long ago. She is not appriciative at all! Instead of asking, she orders me, she doesn't like me leaving ever! Finally MIL told her that I would be taking walks several times a day, and if she doesn't like it, she can go to a home. I don't really like receiving gifts, never have, but I was a little annoyed when for my birthday she barely mentioned it, but now that our night girl, who does absolutley nothing for her but get her into bed, is having a birthday coming up, she calls MIL and tells her to write her a check for her birthday! HELLOOOO, I am the one who cooks all your meals, changes your Diapers, cleans your house, Gives you showers, wipes your butt, takes you to your doctors appointments, orders your pills, and does your shopping, but yet you seem to loathe me and feel the need to treat me like a servant! Oh man, sorry, I got myself going. But you are right, it does feel good to have a good rant!

So basically

. Maybe you have to get to the point that you tell her off, both DH and MIL, keep telling me to stand up to her, and tell her off, but I am just not that kind of person, although pregnancy hormones have gotten me to speak my mind a little, yesterday was DH's birthday, and she was being soo rude to him, and treating him like a servant. Then she says in a snotty attitude "Oh no... Am I ruining your birthday?" SO I say "Yes you are, and maybe you should appologize, and be nicer to him, it is afterall his BIRTHDAY!" So she did appologize, then didn't speak the rest of the night.

 

[Wifezilla]

I have an adult special needs son that lives with us and if my MIL ever got ornery with me that would be the last time she ever laid eyes on me.

In your situation MIL HAS options but refuses to take advantage of them.

Tell hubby "Love ya dear, but your mother is no longer my problem!" If you want to see her and be helpful, do it on your terms. The minute someone starts treating you like a slave, it is time for some tough love.

 

[ChickenAlgebra]

Quote:
The thing is in her hometown she went the the Center most days. And where she lives is in Senior Housing and there is a van that comes everyday!! But she would have to get up and get ready. She will sleep sometimes until 11am. One of the ladies that lives there took her to the Center one day....and that is the only time she has been there. She WANTS us to come get her and take her places.

thanks.....what a whiner, right?

You aren't a whiner, any more than I was.

FIL is EXACTLY the same. Maybe we should set the two whiny pants up? They could whine at the other one until their heads explode.

He felt that since I was on maternity leave with a newborn and a toddler at home that I should take care of him also. DH thought he agreed, it's his dad after all.

I managed for 18 hours before I was ready to kick someone's butt. GRRRR............. I could SO see why MIL divorced FIL.

I griped to DH about how horrible it was, all the problems. He didn't think it was that bad. Grrrrr.......................... The D did not stand for dear, it stood for what beavers build then.

I grumbled for a week. DH still didn't care. I was 24 and VERY cranky and hormonal, so I was debating walking out the door on his stupid butt. He and his father could have fun together for all I freaking cared.

Then 3 y/o tried whipping out some of the nasty comments FIL made towards me in front of DH, MIL and SFIL. I washed DS mouth out with soap, yelled at DH. SFIL stood up for me and kids, said DH could man up and realize the problems FIL was causing and deal with it, or I was welcome to move in with SFIL and MIL, divorce DH and stay with them until the kids were grown up so I could stay home if I needed to.

Gak. DH STILL refused to think it was that much of a problem.

So I packed up stuff for the kids and me, left with SFIL and MIL.

3 hours later, DH realized exactly how NOT fun it was to be the sole caretaker for the jerk FIL.

Yes, we are still married to this day with more than 2 kids now. D now does stand for dear.

 

[mom'sfolly]

I might suggest that MIL is depressed and in her case it manifests as an angry hateful attitude. The fact that she stays in bed til 11, won't do anything for herself unless pushed, and isn't coping in so many ways are all indicators for depression. If she is away from where she has always lived, and is dependent on others, this only makes the situation worse.

You might want to go to a doctor's appointment with her (since you're driving her anyway

) and relay the symptoms to the doctors just to get an opinion. It might be any easy fix that makes everyone's life easier.

 

[bburn]

Lol....thanks ya'll...what a can of worms I opened!!

She is simply not a nice woman. Just got off the phone with her daughter and she is coming tomorrow night. Will have to leave Saturday morning early to go back to work. I KNOW how hard it is for her to come and use up her days off on her....but it sure helps me. And I appreciate her sharing some of the responsibility.

She is dishing out some pretty serious tough love herself. And don't think I haven't.....this is the first time in three weeks I have had a hard time with her. The day I took her to sign the papers on her apartment and move her in she started griping when she woke up and was getting ready to walk to the car and still griping. I stopped and told her she could make a choice to go and be pleasant or she could go and be unpleasant but to be warned that the first unpleasant word that came out of her mouth I was getting up and walking out and leaving her there to take care of things herself. She could not understand why I would say that. But we got there and she could not have been nicer and has been nothing but nice to me since.

Guess that is as long as she can go.

I have to pick up the form in the morning for her to sign stating that the caseworker can talk to me about her 'case' so that I can find out why she has not heard anything from the home health care people. I will do that and not worry about groceries but will drop off the laundry and pick up what is dirty and bring it home to do.

I understand the process as I have dealt with it for years with my own DD and the last six years with my most DSS. But this timeline is too long with no help so will be getting on that.

Both the big kids....my DD and my DSS are in independent living. Both do outstanding but there are still issues and still papers to sign and decisions to make. AND I have had zero time to spend with them since I got my layoff (a good thing, we work union jobs) on March 19th. Between my MIL, getting my DH ready to go out of town to work, running errands for everyone I have had no time for the big kids! My DGD yes, because she is the weekends. And for the record sitting my DH down and talking to him about this like normal people....well that is out....you have to hit him with only a couple of sentences at a time...more than that and I am picking on him. So I give it to him in small doses.....and he KNOWS....she ran him ragged before he left. Just called my DSD and told her I needed her help too....one day a week when the family is all on the way to ty-quan-do (can't spell it) I need her to stop by and take her a little something...even an ice cream and wash what dishes that are there and see if she needs anything and leave. She can let me know if there is something she needs. That will be one more visit from someone besides me during the week. THAT has to help somehow. Next I am going to call my NOT darling in any way BIL and give him his day of the week! THIS is what my DH should have done before he left town......lined everyone up. I am the devil according to most of them....but let them walk a mile in my shoes. They all want but no one wants to give. I don't mind the giving.....but I can't let someone treat me badly over it. My response tomorrow when she says why did you not come I will tell her because she told me it did not matter and then we will come to an understanding. And then I will leave....after all her daughter is coming tomorrow night and she can deal with her for a day or so.

 

[bburn]

mom'sfolly :

I might suggest that MIL is depressed and in her case it manifests as an angry hateful attitude. The fact that she stays in bed til 11, won't do anything for herself unless pushed, and isn't coping in so many ways are all indicators for depression. If she is away from where she has always lived, and is dependent on others, this only makes the situation worse.

You might want to go to a doctor's appointment with her (since you're driving her anyway

) and relay the symptoms to the doctors just to get an opinion. It might be any easy fix that makes everyone's life easier.

We have already addressed that with her new doctor here. BUT....this did not start with the move over here. She has always been mean and self centered...since I have known her. And yes, it is probably worse now but she is on extra meds for it.

THE problem is that she cannot go to the casino. Lives on SS and we supplement it so she actually has enough to live on. She is really getting worked up now because of that.....got mad at her daughter a while ago when she called to say she was coming and MIL said I am sure we can find somewhere to go....Daughter said put all thoughts of going to the casino out of your head. She hung up on her. She had said something to me this week when I was over there and I flat out told her it would never be me that took her, that she had no business there and that unless she started doing her walking and building up strength she had absolutely no business there.

See, the story gets bigger. Amazing. Six years ago we went over and started putting money in her account and collected all her hot checks and paid off all bills that were outstanding. She was already getting childish acting then. Would not look either of us in the eye the whole time we were there and then a couple years later denied that we had ever had to do that! She continued to go to the casino. Even paid a woman in her hometown to take her and gave her money to gamble with! This was after she stopped driving. So, no, I won't be the one to take her to a casino. Neither will her daughter. I have my phone turned off to ringing and she has tried to call several times. I check the VM and she does not leave a message. She can wait until I stop by tomorrow to say whatever she has to say. She does not need to talk to me now! But yes.....there are some real problems with this woman....some dementia, some just her nature and not liking getting her way. Now.....to get my BIL's phone number and get him set up on a schedule!!​

 

[crackersam2000]

I hope you feel better! You desreve a break! I am feeling your pain Girl! Before you completely collapse, call a Friend, or DH's family. Let them get some of that!

Go out for lunch with a GF. Get a new haircut! OHHH, better yet, get a Pedi, and let go of it for an hour!