My 6 yr old girl, DRIVING me up the wall ADVICE NEEDED!!!!!

[sammileah]

i feel for ya but mine is 11 and male. he's the oldest boy and a total pain. he was such a sweet kid till he started school and just goes down hill guess its not 'cool' to be well mannered and well behaved. we take stuff away and i get "i don't care" we got rid of his bunny " if your bad you going to get rid of me" well yes if i screw up big enough.
in Iowa as long as you don't leave a mark your ok child service worker told me that. soap is a no no but vingar is ok (i'd rather have soap). vingar is very bad for enamal on your teeth though.
time out here is nose in a corner standing.

hope you have better luck then we have had.

 

[CityGirlintheCountry]

On the food thing- that is mostly about control. I also don't have kids, but both of my siblings have girls (range in age from 4-8). My SIL has always catered to her girls and their eating habits. She makes special foods, feeds them at seperate times, and generally fights with them over food all the time. My sister makes one meal and has one meal time for the whole family. Her girls will eat almost anything. My brother's won't eat anything.

Interestingly enough, my brother's kids are spending the week at my sister's house with neither parent in attendance. My sister is still preparing one meal at one time for the whole group and they all are doing great. My SIL went out and bought special (translate- really expensive) vanilla flavored milk for her kids saying "They won't drink anything else!". My sister accidentally left it at our parents' house. Come bedtime when the girls are used to having milk, she told the oldest niece that she didn't have any of her milk. The girl pointed at the regular milk her cousins were drinking and said "Can I just have that?". Sure thing, pal. She drank it right down with no complaints. Both girls have eaten everything put in front of them. Granted, my sister isn't making asparagus and assorted yucky meals, but she's also not making chicken nuggets and french fries. They are having normal healthy food. The 5yo and 7yo nieces just know they can yank their mom's chain about food and they do it with great gusto.

My sister has a deal with her kids that they can pick three foods that they never have to eat. Every four months or so they can renegotiate what those three foods will be. If sis makes one of those three, the kid doesn't have to even touch it. All other foods must be tried and a decent amount eaten. That way the kid gets to have some control over what they will eat and my sister gets to help them explore food options. There is no power struggle at meal time. If they complain she just brings up The List and offers to let them renegotiate at a later date. They have no ground to argue as they are the one that made the choice initially. Brilliant!

 

[justbugged]

You are very right about the food thing CityGirl. Children can control 2 things, nearly at birth. That is food and poop. If a parent is willing to fight about either item, the parent will either loose or break the child's spirit. Most parents just loose whether they know it or not.

I don't think this is about that. I could use a little clarification though. Is your daughter in school right now, or is she on summer break? How well do you know the other children in her class? What school grade is she in? How old is your other son? I keep thinking that she mad at you for not knowing something is happening to her, and she is acting out. Most of as parents assume that because we are there with the kids all the time that we know what is happing to them all the time. Trust me there is always things going on with kids, that we somehow miss. If it is just daddy going back to work, I not sure that the timing is right. So maybe a timeline of events could help.

 

[skeeter03]

sounds like someone is just trying to push boundaries. Dont let her she pushes you, you immediately have consequences your her mom she needs to learn to respect you - I have emptied my childs room of everything cept a bed and that is it oh and then she found a marble hidden in some corner. She had to earn every one of her toys back
as for food my kids try that to - I tell them you get 30 minutes to eat if you are not done, dinner is removed and you must be sick so you go to bed and you dont get nothing till morning.
works for me. and yep some nights they did go to bed without dinner - ITS NOT GOING TO KILL THEM!!! they just learn that they cannot walk all over me. now they know better - never ever have I made something else I refuse to cook separate meals for everyone in this house - you eat what I set in front of you and if you dont like it LUMP it.
As for soap hahaha I use hotsauce on their tongues lol works wonders. now all I have to do is just set the bottle of hot sauce out when they are bickering look at them and they instantly stop.
You have to set rules guidelines and consequences and stick to them.
My kids are far from perfect. we still have boundary fights all the time its part of growing up.

Worked in daycare for years and yep kids can be angels for other authority figures the sweetest most well mannered children turned into little brats and holy terrors as soon as they saw mommy. it was amazing to see it.
Good luck hopefully you find something that works for you and your girl
with my oldest just one day of her and me talking and hanging out and doing a bit of shopping or something seems to do wonders.

 

[Sugar Sand Farm]

My daughter was a handful when she was that age as well.One time she yelled at her father and her he chased her down the hallway and into her room. He really was upset at whatever she said (dont remember now shes older) but he told her if she ever said it again he was going to spank her. She came back with that go ahead I and I call the cops. Then he really got mad he charged into the livingroom picked up the phone and took it to her and said go ahead call. But dont come crying to me when they come and take you away and you have to live with strangers and dont have your clothes or your toys anymore. She never said she was calling the cops again no matter how much they argued.

 

[Wolfwoman]

Quote:
Oh yes, my youngest son did the same thing with me when he was about 10 or so... I did the SAME exact thing your hubby did and we never had that threat again!!

One time, and one time only, my oldest son raised a hand to me - I think he was about 12-13 at the time, and bigger than me - I grabbed the nearest thing I could find (which happened to be a vacuum cleaner tube) and walloped the ever-living-fear of every god in the heavens into him. That is one thing that DOES NOT happen in my house... as dad was away (Army) it was up to me, and he'd glad to this DAY that dad wasn't home!!

Both of my kids are VERY respectful since those time. One has a kid of his own..just WAIT.

 

[EweSheep]

Good advices...we made a head through with dd tonight.

She said her tooth hurts so bad it is driving her crazy, not daddy driving her crazy LOL! It is her two upper teeth that are so wiggly but still stubborn about coming out. I feel for her! She complains that she can not bite down on things and its too painful. At least we are making some headway here but it is not ALL about the tooth pain. She wanted Daddy to stay home all the time (he worked five days a week for three to four hours and now, he is over 60 hours a week, M-Sat). We explained to her for the uptenth time that he can not work those days.

We also explained that she cannot make changes on the menu when we ordered out and say ummmmmmm, ummmmmmm I want this one, no, I want that one....ummmmm,no not THAT one but this one, etc. and people behind us are waiting. If she can not decide what she wants, then we will order it for her or do without. She jumped on the bandwagon and ordered what she wanted and not with delay.

Hubby and I have different upbringings and it does cause conflicts. So we are still working on it.

One thing DD did was "You can not make me!" and I told her I sure could! Pick your choice, either lose your toy or go take a bath and you will get your toy AFTER you take your bath.

Needlessly, she said OK mommy, I will go take a bath but make sure my toy is being tucked in bed waiting for me!

 

[Sonoran Silkies]

Okay, I'm only through the 1st page. If you are concerned that soap in the mouth will be viewed as child abuse, search the state laws to see if it is illegal, and look at the CPS website to see if they list it as abuse. The one concern I can see is that some soaps may be toxic.

The children are acting up based upon things going on in their own lives. For the one who is copying her cousin's behavior, stop the visits. For the one who started acting up about the same time her dad started working extra long hours away from home, she needs more time with dad.

Minimize the opportunities for misbehavior--if you know that she will act badly in a situation, don't put her in that situation.

Make an effort to notice and complement good behavior, but don't overdo it. I never had any success with time out. Kids need consequences for their actions. Good consequences for good behavior, undesirable consequences for inappropriate behavior. The best consequences are natural ones (ouch--hot pavement hurts my bare feet, so I won't walk barefoot on hot pavement). The consequence needs to matter to the child, not necessarily to the parent. Taking away something that she doesn't care about makes no impact. Withholding something she wants will. The child needs to be told very specifically what she did or did not do that was wrong. If she obeys daddy, but not mama, then daddy needs to tell her that he will not tolerate her disrespect for her mother.

Be realistic about age appropriate behavior and developmental stages.

The Discipline Book and How to Talk So Kids Will Listen & Listen So Kids Will Talk are both excellent resources.

 

[Sonoran Silkies]

Quote:
Maybe try giving her more one on one positive attention? Designate her your special helper, so helping out around the house is a good thing and not a "do this or else" sort of thing? Does she get any special privileges that her younger brother doesn't, as the oldest? You mentioned she has turned her aggression toward her brother, so it sounds like jealousy to me. Perhaps some special mother-daughter time?

she gets lots of special time, with me I take her to tennis every morning and we stop and get a coffee/ hot chocolate for her which she loves to do. we go shopping on allowance day to get her a special little treat with her own money, when my 2 yr old naps her and I spend time doing something she likes, painting or on the computer doing games she enjoys or reading a book, at night when daddy gets home he plays with them and then sets their bath where he plays them guitar, which is their favorite thing, and he tucks her in and reads her a book. we also have make over days where she has free run of the make up kits to put it on me or even her dad ahahaha. so it can't be jealousy or it might be don't know, but I am not sure why!!!

ohh she always helps out when she really wants to, like when we make pancakes she begs to help or when we bake. SHe might be missing her dad yes, but dad has already talked to her about him being at work and asked her how she feels about it, she said it was fine because when he is at work she gets more clothes that she can't get when he is not working. She has been watching a lot of hannah montana and other shows similar to that, I wonder if its possible she is getting her bahaviour from watching these shows where the kids pretty much rule the throne????

All of these are privilegesthat she values and can be withheld for inappropriate behavior.

 

[Sonoran Silkies]

Quote:
You think so?? I dont know...
I'd still do it...

Our family counselor said that and it is her duty to report if any child abuse going on. However she is sitting on the fence about spanking and how often and how it is being applied.

Yep, I do it but don't tell our counselor about it. However it would be a different matter if my DD tells her or her teachers about it.

I guess I am wondering about how effective this particular counselor is for your family.