My leukemia's back.

Discussion in 'Family Life - Stories, Pictures & Updates' started by donrae, Nov 9, 2014.

  1. N F C

    N F C phooey! Premium Member Project Manager

    45,120
    52,982
    1,346
    Dec 12, 2013
    Wyoming
    Ok, I finally thought of 2 things to say...

    1. Rachel, I don't think you are feeling jealous. It's called "territorial", you're protecting what is yours. Jealousy is when you want something you don't already have. Nothing wrong with protecting what is yours.
    2. @3goodeggs , I want to know how you always know the right thing to say? You are one of the smartest people I know.

    Oh, and
    3. Where's @Blooie ? She's good with words too.
     
    1 person likes this.
  2. Blooie

    Blooie Team Spina Bifida Premium Member

    14,611
    14,271
    566
    Feb 25, 2014
    Northwestern Wyoming
    My Coop
    I'm here...thousands of words in the dictionary and I can't come up with any to put together to help. And I certainly can't say anything that hasn't already been said, and said very well.

    I think it's possible that "she" is a habit, not a mistress. He probably got into the habit of having someone to talk to and do things with, not as a replacement for you, Rachel, but as a place holder. This isn't a strictly a "guy" thing. I saw this a lot when we were in the Navy. Marriages that we thought were strong fell apart when ships went out on deployment. It wasn't necessarily the physical, either. Most of the time those of us left behind got through every day because we were busy - we had the kids to take care of, the house, the bills, and that all kept us well occupied. But the nights...oh, the awful nights. Those hours between the times the kids went to bed and the dawn stretched on interminably. There was no validation of our partnership. Oh, we knew that we were also fulfilling our duty to our country by holding down the fort and supporting our spouses' career. But we were external to something critical going on in their routines,and that's confusing. We got letters and occasional phone calls that let us in for a bit - that told us what they were doing and where they were (when security allowed), how they were feeling and coping, and we shared our days with them. But we still felt like we were on the fringes - an afterthought to the important things going on in their lives. That's hard for some to take. So some of the folks that we knew suddenly had a "friend"...even if it never blew into a full blown affair it was still a chance to be a woman, not a mom, a neighbor, or a member of the Navy Wives' Club. And it became a habit to turn to this person when those feelings of "I don't belong anywhere" came along.

    Time, Rachel. Time and honesty with each other, with the kids, and with yourselves. You've needed his support to get through things that very few of us can even begin to understand. You needed him. He may have just felt a little drained, a little inadequate, and a little bit on the fringes of your life. Right now you still have limits healthwise, but it might surprise him if you turned to him and said, "You've been there for me very step of the way. I know there are things you needed from me, too, and this cancer thing has made it difficult for me to be there for you. But I'm here now. Let me go from being "your wife with cancer" to being "your wife." You just need to help him break the habit.

    Praying for you both, and for the kids.
     
    3 people like this.
  3. hbhoffman

    hbhoffman Chillin' With My Peeps

    557
    182
    176
    Feb 23, 2014
    md
    Rachel,
    I agree with what has been said.
    1. I think I would go one further and ask him to back off on that relationship and do talk about it with someone he trusts to put ground rules in place.
    2. Can you find something you both enjoy doing together? Movies? Dinner in with friends? Long drives to view the stars? Picnic dinner out back? Maybe it is time for you two to take a short retreat together? Or a staycation?
    3. Have you poured out your heart to God yet? It is something he would want to hear. He wants to hear it ALL.
    4. Thank you for sharing. It would be hard to do that in a public forum. I will be praying! (Honestly, I would feel the same way about what is going on.) Hugs!!
    5. Start talking! Get someone involved you trust!
     
    1 person likes this.
  4. Outpost JWB

    Outpost JWB Chillin' With My Peeps

    3,455
    374
    228
    Mar 31, 2014
    Ohio
    Rachel,

    I'm so sorry all this is happening, even if nothing is really happening, it's just a lot of unneeded stress. I can offer a bit of advise from the other side. DH had quadruple bypass surgery at the age of 43. It was 9 years ago. He has not been the same since. The state of Ohio says he is not disabled.........LOL! Without going into too many details, I will tell you that we were married for 9 months & I was pregnant when he had heart surgery. He is not able to do a quarter of the things he did before surgery. Physically or mentally. I would never consider hanging out with another man. My religious beliefs know that my marriage vows say "In sickness and in health." I am here 100% for my husband. He doesn't have the energy to do anything. I bring in the only income that comes into this house. He feels like he has let me down. But I don't see it that way. It is God's plan. All of it.

    On the flip side, I was raised by my step mother, who married my father-- after he cheated on my mother (whom I do not know) with her, then he ends up openly cheating on her (step mother) my whole childhood. I never understood why my dad came home only on the weekends until I was about 15. It was only recently that I decided to stand up to him and let him know that he did us all wrong & I don't need people like him in my life. Point is that the children do suffer too.

    The other's have posted very good advice. I will pray for you and your situation. Hang in there. I'm not saying he is doing anything wrong, because everyone's situation and relationship is different. [​IMG]
     
    1 person likes this.
  5. lazy gardener

    lazy gardener Flock Master

    25,974
    22,136
    836
    Nov 7, 2012
    CENTRAL MAINE zone 4B
    Rachel, I'm lifting you and your family up in prayer.
     
  6. iluvmybabiez

    iluvmybabiez Out Of The Brooder

    136
    4
    43
    Jul 2, 2015
    VA/NC
    Gods will for you is to live and not die.

    Please take green miracle, apricot kernels, laetrile / b17, Budwig, all raw foods, no meat!, avoid milk as it has bad hormones. There is tons of all natural Cures that will not poison your body like chemo and radiation will.

    I'll be praying for you.

    By His stripes you were healed!

    Please read Kenneth Hagins book the believers authority.
    Also check into the book World Without Cancer.
     
    Last edited: Jul 5, 2015
  7. donrae

    donrae Hopelessly Addicted Premium Member

    31,451
    3,654
    581
    Jun 18, 2010
    Southern Oregon
    Again, thank you all so much for the support and validation. When there's nothing physical going on you kind of think you're crazy [​IMG]. But your heart is screaming there's something wrong.

    We're not in a great place with our church, we've pretty much decided to start going somewhere else. Our current pastor is our age and this is his first posting, and he's really screwed up advice to Don in the past. So, not sure that is a great way to go. There is an older couple in our church we totally love, he was a pastor most of his life and is now retired. We've gone to them before, maybe that would be an option. I just know he's not going to take things well no matter where it comes from.

    Right now, I'm just thinking I've told him how I feel and we'll see how things ride out for a while. Blooie, I think you have some great points about finding a place holder. I know he really didn't do well while I was gone and was grateful he had someone to spend time with. Maybe he just needs to re-adjust his "habit".

    He's going to have some contact with her the next two months at least. They're fellow students and school is starting back up tomorrow, until mid-Sept. She's also keeping our pigs (since our neighbor made enough of a fuss we had to move them) and they won't be butchered until right around then also. After that, I'm hoping he'll be so busy with the new job and studying for his RN that he just won't have time for her.

    I'm not sure how to talk to the boys about this. I know they're not stupid, but at their ages I'm not sure if they understand the difference between a physical and emotional affair, and I don't want them thinking things are happening that aren't.


    I've had some long talks with Jesus about this, trust me.

    I'm trying not to have bad feelings about her part in all this, after all SHE never made anyone any promises. But I just can't imagine myself spending this much time with a married man, so it's hard not to put my values on her behavior.
     
    Last edited: Jul 5, 2015
    1 person likes this.
  8. N F C

    N F C phooey! Premium Member Project Manager

    45,120
    52,982
    1,346
    Dec 12, 2013
    Wyoming
    Rachel, you know the people in your life better than anyone and you have a good head on your shoulders so listen to your gut on how to deal. We're all in your corner whenever you need us, whatever you need. [​IMG]
     
  9. Outpost JWB

    Outpost JWB Chillin' With My Peeps

    3,455
    374
    228
    Mar 31, 2014
    Ohio
    x2. We are here for you. I am praying your day is less stressful. Take care.
     
  10. 3goodeggs

    3goodeggs pays attention sporadically

    12,250
    1,714
    418
    May 22, 2009
    North Central Florida
    X 3
    [​IMG]
     

BackYard Chickens is proudly sponsored by