Lots of good advice, the one thing I wonder about is prepaying for the funeral. What if someone moves a long distance away before they die? Money down the drain? Have to take the body back to that locale?
My leukemia's back.
- Thread starter donrae
- Start date
If you prepay for your funeral, usually you are too old and won't move anyway
Perfect place to ask!!
X a jillion!
We knew my dad was going... and so we had everything set up ahead of time!
We already had the obituary written, only needed to fill in dates... we had the coffin, full funeral details and clear on EVERYTHING that was happening.
Even knowing he was dying... it was stressful, and knowing that all we really had to do was dress and show up, such a relief!!!!
Because of dad.... it inspired me to make a CLEAR living will... exactly what I want to happen in the hospital and at/around death.
As @Blooie said though... this can be difficult for close family members. I have a friend, NOT my spouse or one of my kids, as the person to make medical decisions.
A will is very important... I signed my first will at 18! Good to have one. Most states have a blank "this is what happens if someone dies without a will" and you are stuck with that.... if you don't have a will of your own.
As to inheritance... hugely dependant on the inheritors... as to how that will go... if your dad goes first... might be easiest to just have all things go to your mom... and then only once she declines (hospice or long term care, or facility) do a full split/distribution of all assets.
What my mom and her sibs did, which worked perfectly, was to make a master list of ALL assets (yes, they paid a professional, there was too much stuff, and they had the money, but you could do it yourself), and the master list had prices for everything. So the three kids just went through the list and labeled everything as "I really want it", "I like this, but don't need it", "I don't want it/don't care". It was a great idea, all three were reasonable and it went smoothly.
Some sibs can NOT work well together. In that case, as much as possible divide up everything ahead of time. If your parents are still living at home, and don't want to live in an empty house, all things can have labels attached! Or... make a master list now, ahead of time, and parcel it out NOW, just parcel it out on paper only, no one gets the stuff until your parents pass.
Other stuff.... if at all possible record each parent telling an anecdote of their childhood. Also type in as many anecdotes as possible... if they like doing that sort of thing...
I cherish the recordings I have. Listening to the voice of a person I loved is wonderful. I have one of my great-grandmother.
Mine is an insurance company holding it. So its good anywhere in USA. If there's no body or buried not knowing about policy, I have my nieces listed as beneficiary, so if it's not used they get the money.
I paid the cost if I had been dead when I bought it, 2008 when my mother died. The interest on the money is supposed to cover what it will cost when I die. I got the cheapest cremation, in case that isn't the case LOL
I grew up in a very small town called Riverview, outside of Tampa. Throughout my life, I've watched it grow from a tiny town, to a sizeable, bustling city. There was 1 cemetery. It was medium sized. I went with my grandmother many times on Veterans day, to put little flags on all the Veteran's graves, just before Easter, so there were Lillies on our relative's graves, and just before Christmas, to put Poinsettias on our relative's graves. I would roam the cemetery looking at headstones, having personally known most of the people buried there, or relatives of those buried there.
As time passed, the cemetery got fuller, so it was decided that only family members of those already buried there, or those that were residents before a certain date, could purchase plots. My grandparents, my parents, my brother all purchased plots there, along with several Aunts, Uncles, etc. We already had several relatives there. One of my grandfathers passed, so he was buried there, and the double tombstone set, just waiting for his wife, my grandmother, to be buried next to him, and the date of her death carved into the headstone.
My other grandmother died, so she too was buried there, and a double headstone set, awaiting the time when my grandfather would be buried next to her. Years later, he died. Everything was pre-planned, pre-paid, and put into motion, or so we thought. The gravesite was opened in preparation for my grandfather. That's when we got a call from the curator of the cemetery. When they opened his plot, to their surprise, there was someone in it. Nothing in all that pre-planning mentioned what to do in case someone else was buried in his plot.
The coffin inside was extremely old. It was a thick wooden coffin with leather straps for hinges. They thought it might have possibly been part of the original property owner's family cemetery when it was still a homestead, before it was sold, and became the community cemetery. There was a mention of a family cemetery being on the homestead, in a historical type document, which is how they came to that conclusion. It predated all the plot maps. The curator was most cooperative, but decisions had to be made.
Um, finding a stranger's coffin in your loved one's cemetery plot, WILL throw a monkey wrench into the best laid of plans. Of course Granny, and Grandad had to be buried together. We can move Granny, and put them in adjoining plots on the other end of the cemetery, but then they won't be with the rest of the family, so that won't do. We can leave Granny where she is, and put Grandad in the nearest available family plot, but the nearest plot is 3 spaces over, so that won't do. If we move Uncle Clint, who is buried on the other side of Granny, to the nearest available space, he would still be with the family, and my grandparents could be together, but he's been in the ground for 30 years, so would it be feasible to dig him up, and move him? At this point, I'm watching my family playing a verbal game of whack-a-mole with dead relatives.
My brother asked if being buried together meant they had to be buried side by side. His plot was right under Granny's plot. If they used his plot for Grandad, they would not be side by side, but they would be together. Since no one could be buried in Grandad's original site, the tombstone could remain in the same location. That seemed to satisfy everyone, and no more digging up, and reburying dead relatives, like rebedding Lilly bulbs. R.I.P.
The cemetery reimbursed my dad for my Grandfather's plot, so he gave the money to my brother for his plot, and there was still a family plot available for my brother to purchase. After a bit of time went by, my mother asked my brother why he hadn't bought the remaining plot yet. He laughed, and told her he decided to be cremated.
They open a grave site right before the planned interment. Even if we had decided immediately on how to proceed, there was not enough time for them to open another site in time for the scheduled funeral. Oh goody, this leaves precious little time to announce the delay in the newspaper, notify friends, and relatives, etc. THEN it all has to be rescheduled. Fun, right? NOT!
Yes, pre-plan, and prepay all you can. This helps more than you think when the unexpected arises. Had this not been done, it could have been a LOT worse on us.
My grandfather had a great sense of humor. Had he still been alive, he would have been totally amused by it all. I still say he got the last laugh on us, even from the grave, when we finally got him there.
As time passed, the cemetery got fuller, so it was decided that only family members of those already buried there, or those that were residents before a certain date, could purchase plots. My grandparents, my parents, my brother all purchased plots there, along with several Aunts, Uncles, etc. We already had several relatives there. One of my grandfathers passed, so he was buried there, and the double tombstone set, just waiting for his wife, my grandmother, to be buried next to him, and the date of her death carved into the headstone.
My other grandmother died, so she too was buried there, and a double headstone set, awaiting the time when my grandfather would be buried next to her. Years later, he died. Everything was pre-planned, pre-paid, and put into motion, or so we thought. The gravesite was opened in preparation for my grandfather. That's when we got a call from the curator of the cemetery. When they opened his plot, to their surprise, there was someone in it. Nothing in all that pre-planning mentioned what to do in case someone else was buried in his plot.
The coffin inside was extremely old. It was a thick wooden coffin with leather straps for hinges. They thought it might have possibly been part of the original property owner's family cemetery when it was still a homestead, before it was sold, and became the community cemetery. There was a mention of a family cemetery being on the homestead, in a historical type document, which is how they came to that conclusion. It predated all the plot maps. The curator was most cooperative, but decisions had to be made.
Um, finding a stranger's coffin in your loved one's cemetery plot, WILL throw a monkey wrench into the best laid of plans. Of course Granny, and Grandad had to be buried together. We can move Granny, and put them in adjoining plots on the other end of the cemetery, but then they won't be with the rest of the family, so that won't do. We can leave Granny where she is, and put Grandad in the nearest available family plot, but the nearest plot is 3 spaces over, so that won't do. If we move Uncle Clint, who is buried on the other side of Granny, to the nearest available space, he would still be with the family, and my grandparents could be together, but he's been in the ground for 30 years, so would it be feasible to dig him up, and move him? At this point, I'm watching my family playing a verbal game of whack-a-mole with dead relatives.
My brother asked if being buried together meant they had to be buried side by side. His plot was right under Granny's plot. If they used his plot for Grandad, they would not be side by side, but they would be together. Since no one could be buried in Grandad's original site, the tombstone could remain in the same location. That seemed to satisfy everyone, and no more digging up, and reburying dead relatives, like rebedding Lilly bulbs. R.I.P.
The cemetery reimbursed my dad for my Grandfather's plot, so he gave the money to my brother for his plot, and there was still a family plot available for my brother to purchase. After a bit of time went by, my mother asked my brother why he hadn't bought the remaining plot yet. He laughed, and told her he decided to be cremated.
They open a grave site right before the planned interment. Even if we had decided immediately on how to proceed, there was not enough time for them to open another site in time for the scheduled funeral. Oh goody, this leaves precious little time to announce the delay in the newspaper, notify friends, and relatives, etc. THEN it all has to be rescheduled. Fun, right? NOT!
Yes, pre-plan, and prepay all you can. This helps more than you think when the unexpected arises. Had this not been done, it could have been a LOT worse on us.
My grandfather had a great sense of humor. Had he still been alive, he would have been totally amused by it all. I still say he got the last laugh on us, even from the grave, when we finally got him there.
When Ken’s dad started declining, we moved him out here from Sioux Falls. He and his wife had already had every detail of their services worked out with Boom Funeral Home there in SF, and she had passed away several years before we brought Spike out to our house. He lived with us for about 6 months…..the longest, most difficult 6 months of my life…..before he passed away. I got stuck taking full care of him and of Katie, who was about 2 at the time. Katie was easier! And Ken sure started attending a lot of extra Masonic functions while Spike lived with us, just to get away from him.
Now, this man was a total pita. He was the kind of guy who just needed a mommy, and after his wife died I got demoted to being that mommy. I had to test his sugars…”I don’t wanna poke myself because it hurts”…and maintain his insulin levels by injections. He’d sneak stuff he wasn’t supposed to eat every chance he got. He claimed he couldn’t keep track of his meds so every night I’d sit with him and fill a pill container with the next day’s pills. We tried the weekly ones…,he‘d bring it in and ask me to give them to him because he claimed he couldn’t remember how many days he’d already used. DUH!! He wouldn’t put on his own TED hose, so I did that for him. When he first arrived, he couldn’t walk to his room without his walker. By the time he passed away, he was pushing Katie around the block in her stroller. He was incontinent, but only because he was lazy. He’d watch football on Sundays and never get out of the recliner. He’d just happily pee in his Depends. He‘d put on a fresh one in the morning, and finally change it just before bed. You could hear that sodden thing splat when it hit the floor. And when he did go use the bathroom, he’d drag One Eyed Pete out of his drawers before he got to the toilet and leak all the way across the bathroom floor, peeing even under the clothes dryer next to the toilet. Grrrrrr He wasn’t senile or suffering from old age - he’d been this way (except for the Depends) ever since I’d known him. He used the “N” word in front of my impressionable little kids one day when he and his wife were visiting us in California. I told him if I ever heard another word like that or another racial slur or joke in my house again he could pack their bags and catch the next flight home. He was the most maddeningly immature, crude, dirty man I’ve ever known.
All of his funeral plans were set in stone and pre-paid. So we had him embalmed at Thompson Funeral Home in Powell, got all the transport paperwork in order, and on a cold February day Ken and I loaded the cardboard box (and it WAS just a cardboard box) containing Spike’s body and started the 12 hour drive back to SF. I’m ashamed to say we made every crude dead-body-in-the-back-of-the-van joke you can imagine. Ken would come to a sharp curve and he’d yell, “Hang on to your Depends, old man!” I looked at Ken one time and commented that in over 40 years, I’d never known Spike to be so well-behaved.
We arrived at Boom Funeral Home about 10pm. They were ready for us and came out with a winch-type affair to transfer the temporary coffin to a cart and bring it inside. As the box cleared the back of the van, we noticed a saucer sized damp spot on the floor where it had been. I looked at Ken and said, “That SOb did it to me one last time!!”
One last note on this man’s genius mentality. When his wife died, he paid extra, over what they had already pre-paid, for a lifetime guarantee on her vault. Think about that. Whose lifetime? And who’s going to inspect it? When he got laid to rest next to her, he better have taken a good hard look at it because if it was wrecked I was demanding a refund!
What a pita!
The meeting with my parents went well. Dad had everything in order - all neat and tidy in a binder and everything. It was an enjoyable lunch and after that, an easy relaxed conversation with the family. Dad wants to be cremated and have his ashes spread at his favorite hunting spot in the woods. Mom wants to keep some of his ashes. She wants a religious funeral, to be buried in the cemetery and will occupy the spot next to my Mom (my Mom died of cancer when I was 10 and my Dad met Marge and remarried 3 years later). Dad said this is so they can compare notes for eternity about what an a$$H@le he was to live with. lol.
Reminded the rest of us to get our affairs in order. My sisters stated that her Will needs updating - it states who will take their kids in the case of their deaths. Her sister in-law would be responsible for her son, now 32 years-old and a father of 2 beautiful daughters. Lol.
Reminded the rest of us to get our affairs in order. My sisters stated that her Will needs updating - it states who will take their kids in the case of their deaths. Her sister in-law would be responsible for her son, now 32 years-old and a father of 2 beautiful daughters. Lol.
wyo, I'm glad it went well.
Isn't it a little weird to have the headstone for one person in front of the grave for another??
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