My mom is dying *She's gone now **update*

[WalkingWolf]

Tonni this is so very hard for you, and I am sure she suspects or knows her time is up. Yes she could resent it and feel like she is being treated like a child by not being told by those closest to her. My honest opinion is she is a adult and has a right to know, I would want to know at that point in my life.

But this is your mother and your decision, and a terribly hard time for you both. Consider if the situation was reversed and decide then how you handle it. I am really surprised that her doctor did not tell her already, it is his job.

 

[tothemoon]

Please do as your mother wishes where her funeral is concerned. I did not do as my mother wished, she wantd to be cremated and thrown over the Grand Canyon, that was what she had told me for as long as I could remember. My Aunt and others told me that was ridiculous. I went along with my Aunt instead and had her in a casket and viewed, she never wanted to be viewed. She is buried in a nice country cemetary that I cant ever seem to go to because I know that is not what she wanted. Its not something you want to live with for the rest of your life. As far as your Mom not speaking to you, dont take it personally, im sure she doesnt know why she does certain things now herself. The emotions she must be feeling, the realization of her situation............Im sure she realizes her time is coming to an end, if its hard for you to deal with, then it must be 1000 times harder for her to deal with. Just love her and care for her, when she doesnt respond, just keep talking, read her books, tell her stories, tell her about your day. Maybe she knows your strong and can handle it better than the others that she has to talk to, even when she doesnt want to talk. She probably hates questions about how she feels and knows she doesnt have to say anything to you for you to understand her. Just love her and try to bring happiness to her by talking to her for as long as you can.

 

[Quillgirl]

I am so very sorry for your pain and anguish. Your mom isn't ignoring you. She is using the little bit of reserve energy she has to reach out to those she hasn't seen in a while. With you and your father, she is comfortable and peaceful without talking. She feels your love and caring and no words are necessary. I'm sure she also feels your anguish and sadness and it pains her, but there is nothing she can do to help you. Allow her to keep her energy for other things rather than talking/answering.

She may also feel you trying hard to hold on to her. Allow her the freedom to leave when she is ready. Don't urge her to fight longer than she can or should. She needs to feel at peace and that you will forgive her, and not blame her for going. She is probably feeling the same regret that you are: she won't see your children, she won't be there heading up the next family holiday, she won't be there for your father in his grief. She needs to know how you will be strong for him, that you will try to fill her shoes and remember her for your kids. Find the recipes, and write them down if you haven't yet. Go through old pictures with her. You go ahead and talk even if she doesn't. It will ease her mind and allow her to reserve her energy. Just make her comfortable. You will do everything love allows, which is everything medicine cannot do.

Do what your mother wishes and what your family wants for a funeral, not what her family needs. They have their own grief and way of working through things. It will be ok. Do what is best for YOUR family and your mother. Tell them that you hope they will choose to attend the memorial and honor her as she wanted and asked, but if they do not, you understand and hope they find a way to remember her in their own way. Try to forgive them as they act out of pain and grief. No one is themselves. Your grandfather is losing a child, and that is a profoundly deep pain. Try to understand and forgive.

This will be the hardest thing you've ever done, but you are so blessed to have time with her. Make that time a blessing for her and yourself. Even if she turns it around and there is a miracle, you will be glad you took this time and made her path a softer one to travel.

Peace be with you and your family. Prayers and hugs.

 

[dirtdoctor]

Toni,

Do what your Mother requests..... recall her conversations, and provide what she wants!! It isnt about her relatives. Firmly tell them that THIS IS WHAT MOM WANTED. end of discussion, if they behave badly well pity on them.

Your doing what your mom desired. That is all that counts.

Jack

 

[Sissy]

Toni, Mom is getting ready to set sail.
Send her off with

I know you understand .
she will be meeting a lot of friends and family
as we all will someday.

 

[redhen]

Tonini..please follow your mothers wishes. I know its going to be hard to go aganist the others..but by following her wishes, its the last real gift you can ever give her. I'm so sorry you have to have this added stress.

 

[tonini3059]

Well the paperwork is signed and it is what will be done, there is no going back. My father, brothers and I are all in agreement on following her wishes. I wish I could get her recipes and write them down, but it is too late. She made the best pies around, and her recipes are lost. I tired to ask her for them before, but she says she can't remember and that she doesn't make pies. I wish I would have done these things right from the start not waiting until it is too late..I could just kick myself.

 

[isabrownmom]

My thoughts and prayers are with you! Please do as YOUR mom has requested, not what so-called well intentioned relatives say should be done.

As hard as it is for you to let go, it must be sooo much harder for your mom. When my beloved uncle was dying in the nursing facility, he hung on for two weeks with no DNR in place and no food or water. We would visit and soothe his dry lips with a wet washcloth. It is horrible to watch your loved ones suffer!

My husband, 9 year old son and myself were the last family to see him the night he passed away. He adored my son and was quite lucid that evening. My aunt and he were married 68 years and I knew he dreaded leaving her behind. We hugged and kissed him good-bye and told him that it was okay to go to heaven, that we would take care of Aunite so now he just needed to be free of pain and suffering and let go of this world and its cares. A few hours later we got the call that he had left for heaven. Three years later we all still miss him terribly but know that he is fishing the best lakes in heaven and waiting for us. Be strong!

 

[Cetawin]

Tonini

you are doing the right thing. Really when it is all said and done, her wishes are the only thing that matters. I am sure your mother knows her time is near and all you can do from this point on is to be there with her and for her. She knows you are there so don't you worry about it if she does not feel like talking, it is not ignoring you, it is simply that time.

It is a shame about the pie recipes but you know we all do that at times...forget to remember that are parents are human too and think there is always time to do it later...then we miss out. Do not beat yourself up over it. There is enough going on that you need not worry about that now.

As for her family...tell them to zip it. Your mother's wishes are what is important not what they believe in or want. Period point the end. If they do not like that, they can stay home.

Hang in there hon.

 

[agnes_day]

to everyone who has had a loss!