My mom is dying *She's gone now **update*

[Lil_Chickadee]

 

[tonini3059]

Things are still hectic. My father and I got into a huge fight this morning when my one brother was here. He said that he wanted a viewing. He said that this is his decision and not our (my brothers and myself) He said it whatever he wants not us kids or what mom wanted. I flipped. I cannot remember what I said but I stormed out and my husband and brother followed. I will clean up the language but i said how"stubborn" he was and he never ever ever did what mom wanted. If she suggested something it was the worst idea, then if a day or two later one of my brothers or my hubby would suggest it it was the best idea ever. It got to the point where my mom wouldn't even ask my dad she would just have them tell him.
I did tell him when I came back in just that, that he never did what mom wanted it was always about him and if he did go ahead and have a viewing that I and my other brother would not be there. Not because we would boycott it but because I cannot handle dealing with my mom now, last night when I took her to the bathroom she looked like a skeleton so different and shocking, I always have a problem at viewing looking at the body it is extremely hard for me. I cannot bear to see my skeleton of a mom laying in a coffin. And they whole time it is going on I will be thinking the is the last thing that my mom would want is everyone looking at her. She was always self conscious and hated people looking at her. ANd the whole time thinking that mom never got what she wanted and dad won again.

Also I hate to say it but I blame my father for my mom's dying. Back in december when she was ill he just kept telling her she would get better she it was probably just a blocked bile duct again. When she went to the doctor and the doctor wanted a CT he was against it. But she did it anyhow. Then when it was an unkown mass and that several doctors kept giving mixed opinions whether or not it was an abscess or cancer he would disregard the cancer diagnosis, and be like it's not cancer. IT only got worse when the drained the liver mass and they said that they found E.Coli in there and it could easily be cleared up with oral antibiotics. So she took oral antibiotics for a month and nothing happened. So the same doctor suggested IV antibiotics for a month, once again nothing happened and the mass got bigger. My one brother and I suggested her seeing a different doctor and my dad was all against it, so another month or IV antibiotics that did nothing. Then said doctor was an A***** and decided to move his practice to Florida and not tell us so when the 2nd moth of Iv antibiotics was over and the mass was larger he was no where to be found and then we were forced to find another doctor, but it was too late then because it was 2 weeks before we could see him and he was super nice...we saw him a wednesday and friday he called to schedule a surgery to remove half of the liver, but when they did the surgery they found it was cancer and not a liver abscess...That was this past Aug 3 and look where we are now. I am sorry but I do blame him. My mom wouldn't go see another doctor because my dad did not want her to. There were times when she said that she hurt so bad that she wanted to go to the ER, but he always talked her out of it. Who know if she would have went to the ER way back then they may have found out it was cancer sooner and this all could have been avoided

 

[1stepcloser]

Hun, your mother made her choices. I am saying this gently and with love. Your father didn't have the power to stop her from seeking medical attention. For whatever reason, she chose to be "talked out of it". Maybe deep in her heart she knew and didn't have it in her to fight. There is no way of really knowing. We all have our time for passing and the circumstances leading up to the passing are inconsequencial. The anger, the blame...they are all natural stages. Don't beat yourself up and try not to beat others up over it either. One of the toughest parts about the grieving process is no one is on the same page/same stage at the same time. It makes for a painful chaos.

I know we don't know eachother but a stranger a thousand miles away is praying for you and your family daily.

 

[tonini3059]

As for my mother she is worse, She is so weak that she huff and puffs so hard after just trying to sit up. I am making her use her oxygen now just for a while after she moves because she doesn't want it on. Her mind is getting worse. It the above fight she heard me yell to my dad that I absolutely would not go and she snapped out of it a bit and was trying to get out of bed to come find me, but when my brother ran out and told me and I came back in she was doing her staring thing. She did finally say that she wanted dad to go and for me to stay here with her (no clue where she thought we were going, possibly to my other brothers house). Then I told her that the visiting nurse was coming and she said good she can help me was her. So I said ok, but we are going to wash her in the bed because she is to bad to sit in a chair. Then all of a sudden she was like I need washed in the bed I can't sit in the chair like I was against her. Then she yelled That's it that is why you are mad you don't want me to get washed in bed. So I proceeded to tell her that I want her to be in bed and I was mad because (I made it up) that my husband forgot to check to make sure that all of the chickens were in and one got killed. So then she was like oh ok I'm sorry about the chicken. This is going to be a long long day and just process..............

 

[tonini3059]

He doesn't know I blame him the only person who knows is my hubby. Dad is starting to blame himself and I talk him out of it saying who knows...she could have had chemo and suffered more or died from complications of chemo, or she could of had the one surgery that they couldn't do because the cancer spread and she could have died from it. Believe me I could never tell him I blame him. My mother always did as my father wanted. Even when She was diagnosed with Cancer she was all about fighting it and getting better, everytime something didn't work out she was like ok what's next we can do..she never gave up

 

[WalkingWolf]

You and your family need to hold it together until she is gone. This is not a time to be bickering back and forth, there will be plenty of time for that when she is gone. It would not be good for her when she is lucid to see her family fighting.

Now for yourself you need at least a few minutes away for your own sanity. When the nurse comes maybe go to the gym and work off your pain and frustrations. Or maybe a movie anything to distract your mind for a little bit to help you deal with with the enormous amount of grief.

 

[Eggs4Sale]

I tried to think of something productive to add to this, but I couldn't. Real families are not like the ones we see on t.v.

You do what you need to do.

If dad gets to run the show, which he might, then that is not your fault. They chose each other before you were ever born. They chose each other, and the consequences are their responsibility.

 

[babylady4]

This is YOUR moms life. This is her departure, not your dads. Do what SHE wants to do and the he** with everyone else.

As to the whole medical thing; 20/20 hindsight is always great but we can't do anything about it. If your dad was against your mom going to another Dr., I can see why she would not go; she stayed with the idiot one to keep the peace. A lot of people are like that, keep the peace at any price. Yes she made that decision but it was easier to make that one then going to another Dr. and listen to your dad gripe about it constantly.......

Just try to keep things calm at the house right now. Have the big blow-ups elsewhere. I know easy advice to give but hard to follow and I am not in your shoes..... you know what is best for your family.

 

[zatsdeb]

I lost my mom at age 52, in 1989. my dad blamed himself, but the last year of her life he took care of her, the last 6 months took a leave and was by her side always. sometimes we are harder on ourselves, blame doesn't make it get better, just makes us hurt more. just being there for her, it is hard to be strong. Not a day goes by that I don't think about my mother, she was my best friend also, and didn't get to watch my kids grow up, but I know she did see them grow up, she is always with us. Prayers to you and your family. you are doing the right thing being with her and helping her.
God bless you and yours.

 

[kargo]

I remember the big blow-ups that occurred in my family. I remeber the nonsense talking from dad. I remember he would fall and my tiny mother would have to pick hi up. It was awful. I completely sympathize.

My dad told my mom what he wanted. He wanted to be buried with his dad. I can't blame him for that. Even though we live almost 10 hours from where he was buried, I told my mom I was okay with him getting his last wish. It would be wonderful to be able to go and visit him like most of my relatives can do. But I wanted him to have his last wish. What I wanted didn't matter much to me. It is sad that people have to fight so much over what they want. I think that they should just let the person have their last wish, no matter how painful it might be for them.

I'll keep praying for you guys. I cannot say I truly know what it is like to see a loved one pass. My mother sent me to my grandmother's that night. They gave me the chance to talk to him alone one last time, but I didn't. In my heart, I knew this was my last chance, but I didn't do it because I was afraid to be left alone with him. I didn't want to accept that this would be the last time. As I left, I told him, "Bye Dad. I love you." Then when I woke up that morning, I just knew he was gone somehow. In short, I can't really say I know how you feel because it was different for me and I don't know. But I do know that you're going through an awful time. I'm so sorry.