Ewesheep,
There have been several times within my marriage that I thought eventually it may come to this. When he abandoned us...albeit a good thing to not suffer his psychological behavioral issues from day to day...I was hopeful that my mom, who said she wanted to live with me eventually, would come back. She talks about it a lot... she talks about it even today...how she should buy the house and we live together...and then there's the older sisters...well, 2 out of 3...who are opposed and were opposed to her helping me refinance...
So one day she was and the next day...she wasn't. So then what? What was to become of me and my girls? Where were we to go? Obviously I couldn't turn to my family any longer. One sister lives rent free in mom's basement as it is and the other 2 are overshadowing the trust and trying to use scare tactics like disowning mom and such... They said after my heart attack...we'll be there for you...they weren't. They said once the divorce was filed that they won't let him get our childhood home and they would help me...that didn't happen. I try not to think about everything for too long because it is a thorn in my side. Not only is the man that came in and swept me off my feet and then made my life a living hell coming after all I'm worth....taking half of my childhood home when he didn't even put that much into it and boy oh boy is there more back story about what he owes me and my mom from helping him out of his financial crisis...but all the emotional turmoil that's involved with my little girls...that's the gut wrenching part. At times I can't breathe. It's like a bad dream....but I can't sleep or I sleep too much. I'm exhausted. I can't think...
The realitor comes again tomorrow and it's supposed to be going up very shortly...my mom has been there doing last minute things...I am having such a hard time going there...seeing it empty...knowing that the place where I was born and raised...will belong to another family and I won't walk it's halls again...I won't lay in the backyard and watch the stars and the planes fly overhead...I won't cross the road and meet the seasons cows...I won't be there with the neighbors who watched me grow up and have children of my own...I won't swing on the swingset my dad had installed...I won't watch the sunsets from the porch again...
Anyway....it's a neat house and it holds a lot of memories...I guess good ones and bad ones. I am looking at this move as a fresh start...a new chapter...a new beginning. I've been so concentrated on getting the other house up for sale that I'm living in boxes over here...I don't have hardly any towels...I think they've been sacrificed for the major cleaning of the other house...I can't hardly move in here, I'm up to my elbows...and now I've got 1 week left with my girls before I have to take them to visit thier dad in VA...court ordered. It pains me to be without them for 42 days and especially since I know how he is. All I can do is hope his new girlfriend takes care of them well and she stands up for herself and my girls and that she doesn't fall in the same rut as I did...believing he will change and that perhaps if she stays then maybe he'll heed her words and seek professional help and then he'll be able to be more "normal" and then she won't feel as if she's given up on him and things can be as they were at first when he was on one of his "highs" or good moments. I really pray for this new girl and for him as well...for the sake of my kids mostly... It doesn't hurt that he has a new girlfriend..it's actually a relief...it helps him...what hurts is the pain and duress I've been living for 10+ years and then feeling like I'm being taken for all I have....and wondering how this is going to be for our kids...because on this end...there's definate stress about being gone so long...they can't comprehend what those days mean...they have been acting up and are whiney a lot...thinking they won't see me at Christmas but I'm trying to show them with the calander...that they'll be back before dd has her b-day at end of summer and before school starts...I am dreading these days leading up to friday.
So some of the house stuff just hasn't really sunk in yet...I know I'm greiving. I went there today and sat on the steps, intending to do something more...wash the windows or something...but I couldn't bring myself to do it...my body feels like it's been run down with a mack truck...I'm sore and tired and drained mentally and physically and even a bit spiritually. Life doesn't slow down one bit...it keeps on keeps on...and I wish it would just slow down a little bit so I could catch up.
