My Space?!

[BantyChickMom]

very well put TxChiknRanchers.

 

[Chickerdoodle13]

Every once in awhile, a post like this pops up. It always ends up turning into a fight between the "kids" and the "adults". Hopefully that doesn't happen here.

Anyway, I was a teen not too long ago, but I never remember being punished after the age of 8. The worst punishment I ever suffered was probably being sent to my room for a whole FIVE MINUTES when I was 5 or 6. Those were some terrible punishments as I remember them! LOL. One day I went to the local pond without telling my mom and I got sent to my room for a whole day. I can tell you that never happened again.

Meanwhile, I had friends who were grounded every other week. I never even knew what "grounding" was, because my parents never had a need for it. They were very open and liberal about everything; the only movie I wasn't allowed to watch was Friday the 13th (because of the nudity), I was always allowed to play any game I wanted, and when it came to alcohol, I was always allowed to drink (well taste...I never liked it) when they were around. Now, being able to watch R rated movies and have my taste of alcohol didn't turn me into a killing, alcoholic psychopath. It taught me to separate reality from fantasy and I respected my parents all the more for it. They talked to me about things and made it comfortable for me to go to them for advice or for help.

My friends who had parents that were too strict have some issues now. They don't know how to act in the "real world" (I hate that saying). They can barely make their own decisions, and they have no accountability. It is truly horrible. The one friend I have was not even allowed to go out to the movies without asking his parents at the age of 20! My other friend would not do anything without fear of getting in trouble with her parents.

I guess what I'm really getting at is that parents have to be aware of being OVERLY strict. I definitely don't agree with lying, and I think there should be a punishment. However, perhaps you should sit down and just have a talk with your daughter. Take her out to lunch or breakfast and talk about her reasons for lying to you, why she feels she needs a myspace, and any other things that come to mind. Let her feel comfortable talking to you. The worst thing is to have a child who fears their parents. I could not imagine living like that, especially because my parents have become one of the greatest resources in my life.

If you do punish your daughter, be sure she knows why. Explain it to her. She is at that age where she's not quite an adult, but she can begin understanding adult matters. It's important that she doesn't feel like a five year old. That's one of the worst feelings I've ever experienced.

Also, while computers can be dangerous, they are a very, very important tool. In this world today, you can barely survive in school, college, or a career without computer knowledge. It's better that she knows how to use one and how to be safe on one, than to not have that knowledge at all. Find out what she thinks are reasonable boundaries and come up with an agreement. That way she will not feel as if she must break the rules to get what she wants.

The big thing around here now is Facebook. I have both a Facebook and a Myspace, but I don't use either that often. It's nice for keeping in touch with friends, but that's about it. I don't understand all the boyfriend/girlfriend drama that goes on and most of the time I think it's really silly! Sometimes people take it too far. Teach her how to be safe and share the experience with her. It's better than her going behind your back and doing it in an unsafe manner.

I wish you the best of luck with this issue. Lying is a terrible thing and I would feel horrible if my child were to lie to me. Hopefully you can work everything out in a manner that will prevent her from doing it again. LOL, my dad used to tell me that if I didn't want them to know about something, not to bring it up. I never did keep any secrets from them because I would feel nothing but guilt. I still tell them everything, but that's because I enjoy sharing stories and hearing their advice.

 

[SpottedCrow]

Well said, Chickerdoodle...

 

[country freedom]

God gave me you, as the rarest of all gifts (you only get one of each child) from Heaven, to raise to an adult to be able to be a productive member of society.
It is my job (and I take it seriously) to raise you safely, until you are legally able to be on your own financially, physically, emotionally, mentally, and it is then that I know that I've done my job to the best of my abilities for you to do so.
Every decision that you make, positive or negative, right or wrong, has a reward or consequence. Your decision is like a ripple on water, your decision affects others around you, and the decision they make in response to your decision, does affect others around them because of your decision. So when you make a decision that I feel the need to intervene, it's for your safety and well being, wether or not you like it. I love you, and I want to be able to have you around for a long time. You do not know all the dangers of real life out in that world, and some of the decisions you could make without me interfering, could cost this whole family in ways you do not know until it's too late. I will allow you to make some decisions on your own, so you can have learning experiences complete with rewards/consequences, but, I won't allow you to potentially put yourself or the family in legal trouble or in life danger. I love you and your brothers/sisters that much.
I make mistakes, also, but, I'm responsible for you and most of your decisions until you are 18 years old, when you can sign your own name to papers, legally.
I've told this to all 6 of my children at various times in their lives, allowing them to make some decisions on their own, with rewards/consequences of their decisions. My 19 son is in college, trying for basketball, my 18 son always wanted to fly (can't-needs glasses) is in the Air Force, my 16 daughter ( I have my most trouble with her) has a baby girl, and now she listens to my advice --her words--" I guess you know what you're doing right, you've raised us up better than our dad would have". (We came from a VERY verbally, mentally, and physically abusive family life with their dad). My 15 son wants to do Missionary work (since 3 yrs old), my 14 son has always wanted to be a Police Officer ( now, since CSI and NCSI) Forensic Detective, and my 11 daughter, well she's not yet decided, letting her be a child is best for now.
If I had made the decision to stay with their dad, CPS and Family Services, to protect the children, would have taken them from me, put them into Foster Care and I would have lost permanent custody of all 6 of my children. Life Experience---right decisions=rewards/ wrong decisions=consequences. This is how I raise my children.

 

[HobbyChickener]

Ok here is the lastest. I told her when she got home that I knew and she was grounded for the rest of her life or until I figured out what the truth about it was which ever came first. Her story is that some of her friends at school made it for her because they all had one and she needed one too. She told them it would get her in trouble and "she tried to delete it, but couldn't figure out how" HOWEVER, she could figure out how to IM with it and add 125 friends to it (most of which I know who they are already from sports). I insisted that she give me the account id and password so I could look at it. That is where the time line and friend info came from.

When my DW went to get her from practice this evening she asked her about it and got basically the same story. Not sure where we will be headed with the my space after the jail sentence. The biggest thing here is that she did and is lying to me. This is what really gets me the most. If I can't truct what she is telling me then I can't trust what she is doing.

The young ones that have chimed in here have a good point of view and a good theory. Heed my advise. Remember this now as kids with parents and in the future as parents with kids. If you can't follow your own words you'll always be searching.

 

[Bubba]

I know for a fact kids start other kids accounts up. My little sister deleted hers and her friends TWICE made a new account for her, put pictures of her up and added people before handing it over to her. Now I am not saying your girl is or is not lying just don't always assume shes lying. You really want to know tell if shes lying? Get the password read her mail. Is it her talking back and forth or is it her friends jabbering.

My friends and I recently started a friend on a game after he quit. Why we wanted him to play with us again. So we bought him the account and made him a new character. Same difference....


Bubba


PS I just about died laughing after reading some of the posts after mine.

Why is it everyone reads the posts and swings to one extreme or another instead of being sensible (sp)? Where did I or anyone else say let the kids lose, throw them 100 dollar bills to buy beer, give them a cell phone to call phone sex lines and say call me in a week when your off your bender.....

NO ONE DID

Stop trying to stir things up. I think everyone here believes children should be taught respect/have respect. My point is respect should be earned not demanded. You don't earn it by trying to scare them into making the right decision, inflicting FEAR is for the pathetic and weak. Inflicting fear does not work on strong willed people, or at least not for long.

My other point is you don't own your children, remember if you live in America THE STATE DOES!

Nobody should be treated like property, that mindset messes up alot of kids.




The purpose of homework is to reinforce what was taught in school that day.

ROFLMAO!!!! Are you kidding me???


So why is it that many teachers hand out homework on chapters not covered in school? Thats not reinforcing, thats the teachers job! If a child is exceeding the norm then they should be let free to learn faster. Having to wait for slower people is wrong.

Yes if your smart then you shouldn't have to slow down and wait for everyone else. To say otherwise is moronic. "I'm sorry I know you are done with your work, just sit there an twiddle your thumbs while your classmates catch up."



PSS For those of you whos kids don't talk to you anymore. I feel sorry for you family is everything. Amazing you are willing to throw it all away because YOU are RIGHT and the KID is WRONG and will always be a child to you. Grow up already, they had to with you standing over their shoulder no less....


PSSS Please don't bring religion into this either. The VAST MAJORITY of people who claim to be Christian rarely follow their Lords example. As much could be said for most religions, besides Buddist Monks (Can't get anymore real then living poorly, without property, everyone wearing the same color/clothing and still helping people while not killing a single living being (includes flies!)

Before you jump on me. Think to yourself. If you see someone on the side of the road do you pull over to make sure they are alright? Do you then ask them if they are hungry or need a place to sleep? Do you then feed, bath and protect them? Offering your home unto them? If you said no, then your not following what Jesus did in life..... I don't care about what commandments you follow, how often you goto church, help your church members, donate to charities, etc. That was not Christs thing, he helped everyone, held hatred of no man or so we are told....

 

[schmoo]

Well shes obliviously lying again. It is very easy to delete an account if you want. If she REALLY did not want it, I would believe her friends would'nt have gone through the trouble.

Lets just say shes NOT lying (she is though)...............If she felt open with you, she would have come to you and said, "my friends made an account in my name and I wanted you to know" "how can I delete it, I don't want to be in trouble"

Now is the time you need to get REAL with her. If she lies to cover up a lie to cover up a lie etc. she is in real trouble. Something needs to happen here so you don't end up having no communication and just punishment for the rest of her teen life. I don't have a teen yet but I was one and I can't for the life of me figure out why kids LIE. Punishment will not stop her from lying. Maybe for a short while, but it does not teach a lesson. Good luck with this and I hope you can sit down with her and have a real open and honest conversation.

 

[Bubba]

Yea why doesnt she sock her friends in the face while shes at it. If they did go through the trouble of making her a new account, it would be a slap in the face to run to Mommy and tell her about it. Imagine for a minute, just for a minute how hard it is to be a kid now. Now imagine being the kid that alienates yourself by being a rat.

I am not saying she shouldn't be punished for lying. Punishing her for something her friends did or even pressured her into is different. It's not like these are the bad kids right?? These are all the kids on her sports team if I recall correctly? Nothing like being the outcast because your Mommy won't let you. That will cause her to resent you and destroy more trust than alot of things you could do to her.

I hope you can help her and keep your relationship intact.

Bubba

 

[schmoo]

You have a very strange perspective.

Whats the difference if she rats on her friends AFTER she gets caught? Now she ratted AND shes grounded indefinetly. THATS the difference.

Its not like saying her friends did it was going to get her off the hook.

 

[BantyChickMom]

Right on, schmoo!!

Peer pressure has always been and will always be a part of every teens life.
Does that mean we should just let our kids 'do whatever' so they don't have to deal with peer pressure?
Life offers many choices; it's up to us to make the right choice.
In the end, we are responsible for our own actions.

If the kid knows how to IM, she knows how to delete!!
If she was the responsible teen she wants to be treated like, she would have come clean about her friends from the very beginning instead of hiding it.
Bubba, you say telling what her friends did is ratting them out, but i call it "DOING THE RIGHT THING", or what some would call "BEING RESPONSIBLE".

TRUST has to be earned!!
If she wants her parents to trust her, lying is not the way to make it happen.
If a kid wants a little freedom, they have to be mature enough and responsible enough to handle it.
A kid that lies to his/her parents is neither!!
The parent/child conflict only arises after the parent sets limits as to what the child can do.
If you want to go out on the town with your friends, then you prove to me that you are trustworthy enough and responsible enough to get away from parent supervision for a while.
Kids always want to 'do what their friends are doing', but in the state of NC, the law says I am responsible for my child's actions until he/she is 18.
So I ask you, Why should I be held responsible for the actions/decisions of my GROWN UP 15 YR OLD?

Teenagers will lie to their parents and do whatever they have to to be able to do what they want to do, even if that means going against their parents rules.
Quite frankly, I don't care what my kid's 'so-called friends' are out there doing. The only thing that matters to me is setting the guidelines for my kids and doing what I feel is the best way possible to keep them safe from all the dangers of this world.
My 15 year old learned the hard way that her "friends" didn't give a d#*^ about her -- when she needed them to stand up for her and speak on her behalf, they all turned their backs on her.
If someone is really your friend and cares about you, they are not going to do anything to hurt you or cause you grief!!

And to Bubba,

if a kid is really that much smarter than the other kids in the class, he/she should check into moving up to AG/AIG classes.
If he/she is several years ahead of classmates, I'm sure the school administration would have no problem moving that kid up to the appropiate grade level.
In all honesty, I would have a serious problem with one of my kids classmates getting special treatment just because they may "catch on" to something a little quicker than my child.
Every child is suppose to have the same equal, right to getting an education; how is this 'equal' if some of them don't have to do the same amount of work?

There is no government handbook that says all children have to be raised by the same guidelines.
Basically, we all raise our kids differently and by our own guidelines, right or wrong.
When correcting or punishing my children, I make decisions that I can live with.
I have no problem getting up every morning, looking at myself in the mirror, and knowing that I have done the best I can do for my kids.