My Space?!

[TransplantedTexan]

"Teenagers will lie to their parents and do whatever they have to to be able to do what they want to do, even if that means going against their parents rules."

This is true until you manage to get the kid to see the logical sense of what you are trying to instill. Until you get them to own it for themselves.

If this is not achieved then they will lie and do thier own thing as you say.
If this is not achieved you have taght them nothing except that if a person is strong enough they can goosestep around inflicting their will on others.

I am not trying to be mean here, I am just going with what I percieved growing up, and what is working for me with my kids. I do respect that every one is entitled to thier own thoughts and ways of doing things.

 

[BantyChickMom]

And might I add that some teenagers are much more difficult than others to instill this into.
From experience I can say sometimes, it takes a traumatic life altering experience to make them "see the light"
At about age 12, our cute, sweet little boys/girls turn into these horrible little creatures that we no longer recgonize.
Most go thru this phase and come out pretty much OK with no long term scars.
Others seem like they don't want to come out of it and this creates havoc on the entire family.
Some are more difficult to see the 'logical sense' than others!

 

[Buff Hooligans]

My gosh, I'm glad I never had kids ! ! ! ! !

 

[TransplantedTexan]

I was the latter of these two.
Instead of more openess, acceptance, education,
understanding, ecetera, my folks clamped down.
I think it is even more important with these kind of kids that a parent is very open and comunicative, and at times maybe even not clamp down so tight if it is not something that is going to kill the kid.
Strong minded people either fight what they perceive as wrong, or they remove themselves from it.
I did both.
My folks failed to get me to see where the path I was taking was heading. I had to find out for myself. This is probably the reason that I vehemently believe you should always be willing to adapt, and find what works for you and your kid.
In this instance a person asked for opinions. I feel that the lying is a problem that needs to be addressed. I also feel that a appropriate Myspace page harms nothing. If the girl is smart enough to reason out that it is possible to use Myspace with out being harmed, you will never convince her otherwise. She will engage in what she feels is "civil disobedience."

I wanted to add a thanks to the moderaters for not shutting this down. Everybody has stayed pretty reasonable with the comments, and it is an important topic.

 

[BantyChickMom]

Upon reading back thru some of the last few posts I made,
I realized that some of my words may seem a little harsh to some of you out there. And Bubba, I don't mean to be picking at you about the school thing, either.
I get very emotional when it comes to my kids, more now than I ever did, and I think it's time to explain why.

I have a 5, 13, and 15 yr. old, (girl, boy, girl)
I've always allowed my kids to have friends, go places with them, sleepovers @ home and away, and I've always tried to provide them with the latest fads/fashions, sort of 'keeping up with the Jones'.
I've only asked that they DO THEIR BEST when it comes to school.
They've never had an overload of chores to do -- just keep your room clean (clothes put up, trash up, etc.) and their bathroom clean. Oldest washes supper dishes (loads dishwasher) and son empties trash daily.
The oldest started 'rebelling' very early, about 10 i think;
talking back, lying about simple things, taking brother's games, cd players,etc, and borrowing other people's stuff and blaming brother. DH saw this as no big deal, just kid stuff.
Being a woman, I understand how it is on a young girl growing up and hearing the sexual comments from boys and the peer pressure thing as well.
BEFORE I GO ANY FURTHER, LET IT BE KNOWN THAT I AM NOT PREJUDICED!!
She started having black friends, even had some over at sleepovers. NO PROBLEM. Then she started with talking to black boys and wanting the boyfriend thing.
I said NO WAY. DH and I both agree on this subject; you're too young to date anyway regardless of race, but we don't agree with this and it's not going to happen in our house.
This is one of our rules and you will abide by the rules as long as you live here.
Now comes MIDDLE SCHOOL:
Boy thing continues and gets worse. Buys hats with boys name on it she never met, writing letters telling how much she loved them, and when confronted about what was going on, would lie constantly.
We were completely shut out of her life. Anything I found out about come from her cousins or friends.
I explained that she could talk to me and tell me anything but understand if you did wrong there will be consequences.
Got her own phone line one Christmas. Within 2 months, we took it away because of boys calling all night. Might I add boys that she met on some chatline. Maybe I should say young men, they were 18! These males were from all over in different states, even had one in a VA jail calling collect.

I sat down and explained all the terrible things that could happen to her. You know nothing about these men except one of them is already in jail.
This goes on back and forth (taking everything from her until there was nothing else to take) until April this year.
We only let her go to my mom's and grandma's. (they both live at the same Senior Citizens/disabled apartment complex). She even met some black man there one time and we stopped letting her go there.
We didn't let her go anywhere with anyone except us.
No friends, no phone, no anthing!!
She did fine for a while so we let her start going back to my mom's, mainly to help her out since she's not in good health.
Last December she started talking to some 16 year old that lived about 3 hours away. She ran up over 500$ worth of phone bills between our business phone and my grandma's phone, to which she is still paying off today.
When confronted, she lied until I showed her both phone bill with the same #'s and told her I had even talked to this boy's daddy myself.
She continued to talk to this boy, using my cell phone and staying up half the night to use the house phone when everyone else was sleeping.
I felt like beating the H#*^ out of her but feared losing custody of my other two kids if I left bruises on her.
I finally filed an UNDISCIPLINED PETITION" with Juvenile Services (and was waiting for court date), and moved my MIL in to sleep in the same room with her, basically to have another set of eyes watching her at all times.
Through all of this nothing scared her in the least bit, she was leaving at 16, prison couldn't be worse than living here,
she hated me, she had a bruise on her arm from closet door and she's call Social Services and tell I did it; luckily MIL heard the last comment and took over the situation.
Found out she couldn't leave at 16 unless 'we' allowed her to and that just made her whole attitude worse.
I hated for my other kids to live this horrible life caused by a 14 year old child, so we finally checked into having her sent to a WILDERNESS CAMP!
I was at the end of my rope with no hope in sight.
I forgot to say She was using friend's cell phone and pay phone at school to keep calling this last boy.
I caught her and met with teachers, told them she was not allowed to use any phone at school other than calling home if sick.

I got a call on April 25 saying she had used another student's cell phone to call in a bomb threat to 911.
When I got to Sheriff Dept, heard 911 recording, IT WAS NOT MY DAUGHTER'S VOICE!!
Other student kept saying someone had her phone, but she didn't know who. Her own mother said it wasn't my child's voice, but did sound like her child.
I thought this is over, this other child lied, my child wasn't as stupid as I thought!
IT WAS NOT OVER, JUST THE BEGINNING!
1 week later, my daughter was picked up by sheriff, charged with making the bomb threat, sent to Juvenile Lockup, shackled and chained right in front of my 5 year old, suspended from school for 365 days!!
All this even though the recording proved it wasn't her voice.
The school board denied my appeal but did allow her to take exams -- she passed all of them and wasn't at school the whole last 6 week grading period (Talk about capabilities and sense)
This ordeal lasted thru the whole summer -- everyone kept telling me nothing could be done until the court date.
Keep in mind this was a felony charge!!
No authority figure would take 5 minutes to hear the recording and clear my daughter so she could get back in school.
Finally the 3rd week if August (after 3 court dates) the charges were dropped, the 365 day suspension was overturned and my daughter went back to school!!

I want to say the other student was charged with the exact same thing and suffered the same fate.

Now, my daughter's whole outlook on life has changed 100%.
Everything I, DH, MIL tried to get her to understand finally sunk in.
She said she was going to make straight A's in school and no one would ever have any trouble out of her again!!
We (Me and her) were always at each other's throats 24/7, and I know it was because I am the one who stayed on her butt, I am the one who checked up on her, I am the one who set limits, and I am the one who handed out punishments.
Now, we are closer than ever.

If I come across to harsh to anyone here on this subject, I am sorry and really don't intend to offend anyone.
But now you know why I am very oppiniated on this matter.

I had one that just absolutely refused to heed anything we said and would go the distance to deliberately disobey any and all of the rules set forth.
If anyone has a monster like mine was, I advise you to do whatever it takes to gain control over him/her and of the whole situation.
I hated for my daughter to have to go thru this, and I cried the whole 3 days she was locked up, couldn't even talk to her when we visited her because I knew I would break down and that was the last thing she needed to see, but looking back now, this TERRIBLE ORDEAL ended up being a
BLESSING IN DISGUISE!!

Thanks for listening to me spill my guts.

 

[jeaucamom]

We are pretty much in the same situation as you are. My 16 year old was very involved on another Poultry site (don't know if I should reveal which) and after a few weeks her personality totally changed. She turned from a fairly normal teen to a total you-know-what. She became obsessed with being on my laptop and was rude and cruel to her brother and sister and me. I was dealing with it situation by situation but knew something deeper was going on. She finally accidentally left her pm page up from this site and come to find out she had been pming a boy and he had been talking VERY inappropriately with my daughter, very pornographic and illegal. (there were 670 messages over a month period) While she was encouraging him to repent and assuring him that God still loved him, she was also making up horrendous lies about her and her family life and doing some of her own dirty talking. It is a good thing she was at work because I seriously had chest pains and thought I was having a heart attack. I called her Dad and let him know what was going on. I pm ed the boy and told him under no circumstances was he ever to contact my daughter again or he would be arrested. I contacted the site admins and they banned him and made a public announcement about him as an example of what will happen if you act inappropriately. And lastly, after 24 hours of praying about how to handle it with my DD, I told her that God loved her enough to bring one her sins to my attention so that I could restore her. I confronted her lies and her sin and explained the danger she put her family by giving revealing personal information to a total stranger and a pervert at that. We have no idea if this person is a kid or a predator and she put our whole family in danger, especailly herself. At first she was all dramatic and trying to play all cool. Then she broke down and started bawling and apologized. I told her she would not be on the internet for one year and she would not be getting her license(she had an appointment that week). I didn't want her getting the idea that her homelife is totally screwed up by having to live with these totally ideotic parents and running off to Missouri go to this boy who would make her world perfect. She agreed that whatever I thought was appropriate was okay with her. I never dreamed it would go so well. This was all a month ago. She has not even asked to be on the internet, nor to reschedule her appointment. I may give in on the license because she got her permit a year ago November and she will have to start over again, but she will NOT be getting her own car, even with her own money. Her dad does not have internet and so I know she is not getting on anywhere.

I could be wrong, but I think one of the reasons she was truly repentent was that from the very beginnings of their lives, my kids have had their mouths washed out with soap if they are sassy in any way, their butts paddled with a wooden spoon if they acted naughty, they dont' watch TV, they are homeschooled (but have an enormous busy social schedule) and I have always been extremely picky about who their friends are. My kids have been taught since they were two how true friends act and to only accept that in others and to act that way them selves. And of course church and our relationship with Jesus is the most important part of our lives. ( And yes, we do stop and ask people who are on the side of the road if they are okay and would do anything in my power to provide for them). My kids KNOW that "I HAVE to discipline when they are naughty/disobedient because I will have to answer to God someday on how I did with His children he loaned me to raise. If they want easy happy lives, they only have to respect my authority and we will all have peaceful, joy filled lives."

I know alot of you will disagree with how I raise my kids and that is okay. We all have the responsibility to raise our kids the best that WE (not someone else sees fit). I keep asking myself what I would have done if she had continued lying, and honestly I don't have a flipping clue what I would do other than grounding and no movies, cell phone, ipod, computer etc. These are not rights that kids have but priveledges that they earn by being responsible.

I am praying for you and your DD that she would act responsibly in this and respect your authority and position in her life. I think you are doing a great job so far in a very difficult situation. Good luck!!! and keep us posted.

 

[SpottedCrow]

Congrats on your daughter straightening up Bantychickmom.

I agree jeaucamon. Cellphones, computers, even hanging out with friends are priviledges that need to be earned.

As for the homework...I KNOW that there's kids that are slugs when it comes to learning. My son's not one of them, and he COULD go to Advanced classes, but he's too darn lazy to apply himself.

A ton of stuff that the kids these days get away with, would've gotten me killed growing up...A part of it is the parents as friends philosophy that started in the 70's. I never would speak back to my grandmother and the first time I swore at her, I saw stars...
My son got mad and took a swing at me when he was maybe 9. I got him by his neck and hoisted him up off the ground and told him that if he ever tried that again, that he'd better make sure that I stay down. Or he'd be toast.

My son is as stubborn as I am and we butt heads ALOT! But he talks to me more than his dad. Communication is KEY to some of these kids. And we will never ever put a computer in his room. We have one in the dining room and one in the computer room.

 

[schmoo]

whoa I think I want my son to stay nine forever..... Bantychickmom- THAT was a blessing after all.

Heres a small thing that makes a mom proud and helps me know I'm doing my best to raise him.

Yesterday my son gets off the bus and ran to the house with excitment. He says he found a gameboy game on the bus floor and its one he has really wanted. So I go into MOM mode. Are you sure you found it? The kids are big into trading their games etc. and he is not allowed to do that without my permission first. I don't want him getting jipped by the older kids.

Anyways he continues his story to say he brought it to the bus driver and handed it over

(it was in the AM on the way to school) So she asked all the kids if it was theirs and no one claimed it so at the end of the day she gave it to Jake and said he could have it. I was SO proud of him for doing the right thing and not just keeping the game without trying to find out who the owner was. I know so many kids that would'nt have done the right thing.

I told him good job, that was the right thing to do. I also told him that if someone reported it lost he would need to return it. He said, "I know, I would'nt want someone to keep one of my games"

The thing I try to hit home with is "treat others the way you want to be treated" that applies to alot of situations. I just hope he doesn't turn into an evil teenager LOL. You never know until that age. I think I'm glad he's a boy too. I would not know how to handle a PMSing teen girl. yikes

 

[HobbyChickener]

Ok latest update

She truley doesn't seem to be bothered at all over being grounded and just keeps asking if I figured out how to delete it. She hasn't asked to get online and doesn't even really seem mad at me. I still can't decide what direction to head. Or if I even really care that she has the account, after all I did everything that I could to get into her account to look at it and couldn't get in. Maybe it is more secure than I thought it was. BUT she still lied to me I think.

 

[Alleyoops25]

I may be to conservative but there is no way that I would allow her to keep a my space account. In school teenagers arent tuaght about abstience, instead they are freely tuaght how to have sex. I know this from shaperoning for my nephews 6th grade class. Having "casual sex" unfortunatly is becoming the normal thing. Infact I fear that it is pushed on young teenagers, and alot of them may feel that there is something wrong with them if they arent out doing this. This leads in to the My space accounts. There they can freely meet with and discuss very Adult topics and get sucked in by predators or eventually tracted down by one. I know a lot of you are probably thinking I am over the top paraniod by me saying that they can be tracted. But if a predator can get them to trust them as who they say they are, they can pick up valuable information, such as what state, and town they live in. Then they can sucker the poor girl out of saying that she plays sports and what number she is on the team and where the next game will be held. Teens are at a age where they thrive for whats cool. They will open up to a stranger before they will open up to a parent. And their want and desire to feel accepted, and loved is what gets so many kid napped and never seen from again. Ya you know her info. can be kept confidiental, but she can give that all up in a "friendly conversation" and you know when you watch your news and hear of all these young girls that have disappeared or found dead, you think "that cant happen to my girl." You know that is the same thing those parents thought a few months or even a few day prior. I wont allow my kids full access to our computer, these reasons are why. I dont take chances with my kids, I couldnt live without them.