Need a hug, take a hug.

[Building Bridges]

I think I am older than anybody here. From what I can tell I was depressed, filled with anxiety,
phobias etc. I do know(remember) bad experiences with a neighbor at the end of the street. I was 5 year old or so. I told my parents -my mother wanted nothing to do with it. My father said on one hand to forget about it, and on the other that his relative a lawyer said Not to have me testify in court.

The man also did tv repair and despite what I told my father, he had him come into the house to fix our TV. I tried to hide behind a chair but HE saw me. He was grinning at me. What he didn't know was- I was shy and didn't talk to strangers But was very capable of speaking and being understood.I thought my father invited him in deliberately to see me.

That among other things left me very much afraid of men - even of high school males. Had a chance to date but always turned them down. I was afraid of what they would do to me.

At 34 I started seeing a psychiatrist ,and continued with his partner, after he passed away from pancreatitis. Saw his partner for a few years until he died of complications of his treatment for Lymphoma.

After years of trying different medications only one worked for me. In fact of all the other patients put on that med, only I did well on it.

Long, long story-shortened - met a man two years younger than I. He was married, so he was scratched off the list. Two years later he was divorced and asking my friend about me. She told him I was still single. She told me he asked about me all the time . I doubted that.

Anyway I was told I could attend free group therapy from about noon to 2 pm. and the hospital would even provide free cab service. The cab driver ended up being the Same Man I met some time before.

Cabby didn't want me taking my meds because his ex wife had taken meds for her BiPolar disorder /schizoid affective (sorry too hard to spell) and gained 70 lbs. I told him if I don't take meds the doctor will want me to have ECT treatments (electro-convulsive therapy)

I had a number of treatments with no success, so they changed from uni polar treatments to both sides of the brain. No one told me they could lead to memory loss, and other
unpleasant after affects down the road. It is what it is.

I'm off the meds, Backyard Chickens fills my days with friendship and friends I don't have around home. It gives me purpose. I feel the best I have in many years.

I'm not the least bit uncomfortable talking about meds, treatments, psychiatrists, etc. If someone wants to know more about it. I won't mention the med I was on because it doesn't help everyone. I can say meds and exercise made a big difference. I used to walk
amazing distances just because "I could." But, both got me out of my rut. I am happy to be ALIVE . Old age is the reward for living. It's not some monster hiding in the closet.

DD it takes courage to share our heart.....and things we'd rather forget. You are an over-comer and I admire your strength. I have also found walking/hiking and animals to bring me peace and purpose and joy! Thank you for your story.

 

[ShrekDawg]

DD it takes courage to share our heart.....and things we'd rather forget. You are an over-comer and I admire your strength. I have also found walking/hiking and animals to bring me peace and purpose and joy! Thank you for your story.

I need to start walking and hiking again. I used to love it but rarely do it now. For a while I also barely even visited my chickens outside.

I’ve been visiting them a lot more often lately as well as letting them free range whenever possible but it’s weird because for a bit I was barely interested in the animals (I have chickens, a cat and numerous fish) or even my job (dog walker/pet sitter) and it became a lot of work/not really fun which I never thought would happen because I love animals and I even started thinking maybe pursuing dog training/pet sitting/a business would be too much work and I should quit but now I’ve smartened up on that hah

 

[ShrekDawg]

DD it takes courage to share our heart.....and things we'd rather forget. You are an over-comer and I admire your strength. I have also found walking/hiking and animals to bring me peace and purpose and joy! Thank you for your story.

Oh and X2 on everything you said to DD.

 

[ShrekDawg]

Stepping in a little late here...but is that a silly thing to say?

I read the first page and this last one.
So, looks like someone else is doing a good job towards self care. I am happy for you

I attempted a therapist maybe this time last year. My experiences as a youth with therapy were really awful so I put it off forever. After a few resurfacings of childhood trauma, I finally relented. Asked primary doc for some anxiety control meds. Those were a life changer! I stressed and agonized about medication for far too long, but these meds really changed my ability to cope and process in a healthy way. Therapist was great, I started with one after a few months on the meds. Then she left and I was unable to find the same connection with the replacement. Perhaps I'll give myself another rest and try again in a few months.
I ended up quitting my anxiety medication after a year. No regrets though and I don't feel I need it now. Might not be true for everyone, but i feel that it soothed something big inside me, shifting my energy towards a better light. I was unable to handle large volumes of people or sensory input, unable to socially interact, unable to drive longer distances or through cities, had frequent panic attacks over minute things, and some seriously crippling inner voices just to touch on it. Anxiety isn't just a nuisance, it can be as debilitating as severe depression.

I urge people to stop avoiding medications over the fear of the side effects like I did. If your life is controlled by fear, anxiety, depression, you need help. Better to suffer through a little sleepiness from meds than continue living with a heavy ball and chain of emotion and darkness. Took me over 20 years of suffering to find some relief and a path forward!




But what brings me here really, is the current situation with my oldest child.
My partner and I really believe he is childhood schizophrenic, or another such severe condition that he is too young to accurately diagnose.
Living with him, trying to raise him, has been living hell for his whole life. My partner, and my ex (father of my other children) are literally the only people who comprehend the severity of the situation, simply because they have had to live with and help raise him too. Most people scoff at my descriptions and tell me it's normal this or that and he'll grow out of it. Most of the time in public he's just a bit quirky, so no one sees what we deal with at home. The words and looks we get when he does have a public episode are something else to reckon with, especially when when I must excuse myself from events on account of his behavior.
He's been in and out of psychiatric care facilities since Kindergarten. On and off various meds. Seen many providers. He just came back from another month's worth of institutional care after again becoming so delusional and aggressive he was a danger to others and himself (may have even killed one of our animals during a disassociative state, we'll never know for certain.)
My other children suffer at his expense. I suffer. My relationship suffers. We turned towards a homesteading style life earlier than we planned to because I am unable to maintain employment or furthering education due to his condition and needs, so our finances suffer too.

I didn't have a nice childhood, not an easy teenhood. Didn't pull the long straw on a damn thing. I've got all my own trauma and baggage that's put on hold. But, here I am. This is my true challenge. This child is my life hardship. My test from the higher power.

Oh wow I am so sorry!

I hope you are able to find your son help as well as you.

 

[ShrekDawg]

Oh gosh, you DO need hugs!! You care givers empty out your compassion and empathy tanks daily, it MUST be draining!! You deserve a million hugs!

Oh and thank you for your service.

X2!!

 

[ShrekDawg]

I'm an RN. I just need a hug, I give, give , give and give to my patients!! I give whatever I have left to my kids, I have little left for my husband and "nothing" left for me....... unfortunately, my husband thinks I'm a B^tch, and kids think I like my job more than them.

I am so sorry!

 

[ShrekDawg]

Be very sure that your therapist likes chickens! I would think, that would be a qualifying point!

she let me talk about them/asked so that’s a good sign right!?

 

[ShrekDawg]

I'm glad that you found a therapist that you like! I still need to find a good therapist. It's draining seeing multiple therapists and then having them not be a good fit.

I hope you can find a good one!!

I honestly thought I would have to try a few different ones and may still yet, we’ll see, but so far I really like this one!!

Thinking now that we’ve identified the issues we’ll really start working on everything next time.

But I was a bit surprised I opened up so much right away haha

But I really hope you find one too.

 

[featherhead007]

she let me talk about them/asked so that’s a good sign right!?

Good indication!

 

[Building Bridges]

I need to start walking and hiking again. I used to love it but rarely do it now. For a while I also barely even visited my chickens outside.

I’ve been visiting them a lot more often lately as well as letting them free range whenever possible but it’s weird because for a bit I was barely interested in the animals (I have chickens, a cat and numerous fish) or even my job (dog walker/pet sitter) and it became a lot of work/not really fun which I never thought would happen because I love animals and I even started thinking maybe pursuing dog training/pet sitting/a business would be too much work and I should quit but now I’ve smartened up on that hah

i think sometimes we sink so far within ourselves we lose touch even with those things that used to bring us joy and purpose. We have trouble focusing on things around us. For me....I find I MUST get out in the woods with my dogs 3-4 times a week.....it makes me happy and increases my energy and interest in other things. It's good for my dogs too. Each of us has to find our own "remedy"....sometimes just changing our routine ...building a new one can help.