Stepping in a little late here...but is that a silly thing to say?
I read the first page and this last one.
So, looks like someone else is doing a good job towards self care. I am happy for you
I attempted a therapist maybe this time last year. My experiences as a youth with therapy were really awful so I put it off forever. After a few resurfacings of childhood trauma, I finally relented. Asked primary doc for some anxiety control meds. Those were a life changer! I stressed and agonized about medication for far too long, but these meds really changed my ability to cope and process in a healthy way. Therapist was great, I started with one after a few months on the meds. Then she left and I was unable to find the same connection with the replacement. Perhaps I'll give myself another rest and try again in a few months.
I ended up quitting my anxiety medication after a year. No regrets though and I don't feel I need it now. Might not be true for everyone, but i feel that it soothed something big inside me, shifting my energy towards a better light. I was unable to handle large volumes of people or sensory input, unable to socially interact, unable to drive longer distances or through cities, had frequent panic attacks over minute things, and some seriously crippling inner voices just to touch on it. Anxiety isn't just a nuisance, it can be as debilitating as severe depression.
I urge people to stop avoiding medications over the fear of the side effects like I did. If your life is controlled by fear, anxiety, depression, you need help. Better to suffer through a little sleepiness from meds than continue living with a heavy ball and chain of emotion and darkness. Took me over 20 years of suffering to find some relief and a path forward!
But what brings me here really, is the current situation with my oldest child.
My partner and I really believe he is childhood schizophrenic, or another such severe condition that he is too young to accurately diagnose.
Living with him, trying to raise him, has been living hell for his whole life. My partner, and my ex (father of my other children) are literally the only people who comprehend the severity of the situation, simply because they have had to live with and help raise him too. Most people scoff at my descriptions and tell me it's normal this or that and he'll grow out of it. Most of the time in public he's just a bit quirky, so no one sees what we deal with at home. The words and looks we get when he does have a public episode are something else to reckon with, especially when when I must excuse myself from events on account of his behavior.
He's been in and out of psychiatric care facilities since Kindergarten. On and off various meds. Seen many providers. He just came back from another month's worth of institutional care after again becoming so delusional and aggressive he was a danger to others and himself (may have even killed one of our animals during a disassociative state, we'll never know for certain.)
My other children suffer at his expense. I suffer. My relationship suffers. We turned towards a homesteading style life earlier than we planned to because I am unable to maintain employment or furthering education due to his condition and needs, so our finances suffer too.
I didn't have a nice childhood, not an easy teenhood. Didn't pull the long straw on a damn thing. I've got all my own trauma and baggage that's put on hold. But, here I am. This is my true challenge. This child is my life hardship. My test from the higher power.
