Need an ear, and maybe some relationship advice.

[EweSheep]

I agree with chickened and halo. A time out would not be a bad idea.

Oh every year hubby will go to WV or to an reeanctments (during our dating years) and we did have some time to ourselves, to reflect and regroup and just have fun. I remember I was gone almost two weeks to a Georgia reenactment while he had to stay behind to work. It was fun for me but at some lonely points, we missed each other like hell. Relationships are give and take, not one or the other. Communication is very important and don't let the littlest thing bug you to a full blown magnitude..its not worth it. Sure, hubby has his quirks but he LISTENS when something is wrong and does think about what he can do to help the relationship stronger or better. To me, he gets an A+ for HIS efforts. If he failed at this one, he would try again.

Like Chickened said at his last sentence....its true! I've been in a few relationships and one I stuck with a year, not progressing forward at all. I left that old boyfriend. I found out he just want the milk. (either the sex part or the boyfriend/girlfriend ego status).

 

[Animalian]

Quote:
We have been engaged for two years. But we still see each other as often as we did when we were 6months in, which is like twice a week if that... I'm keen to see him more but he doesn't seem to. If I camplain he says "don't worry we'll live together soon and see each other all the time" which to me means he'll spend more time with me when he HAS to...

 

[SillyChicken]

So the simple question you have to ask yourself is this...

Is this the way I want to live the rest of my life?

Some times problems with people amplify over time. They either get worse by the person doing it, or your tolerance for the behavior will become less and less. In either case, I wish I had listened to some advise I had gotten a long time ago before my first marriage, which was this..

If you have ANY doubts - don't do it!

You're in the perfect position to start over. Don't let fear of the unknown hold you down, feed off it and make it work for you. After all you're already venturing off to CA for a while, why not venture off into another life as well!

my opinion of what you've described is a young man that has no ambition or goals in life.. how is he going to provide a home for or with you? He is not activly participating in your relationship, just taking advantage of you and your fear to leave.

If you do leave, that fear will turn into a sence of relief, peace and excitement! I know, I've been there!

 

[chickened]

An old song for you to listen to and think about.

 

[zzGypsy]

thought I'd share one more story for you to think about...

I have a good friend who's story sounds much like yours. she and the boyfriend met in highschool, had dated exclusively for 7 years before he gave her a ring.

she's sporty, a dancer, smart, outgoing, loves the outdoors, loves baseball (watching and playing).

he's pretty much a geek, withdrawn, shy, loves computers, video games, stays indoors, can't make conversation with strangers (or at least rarely tries), has no physical / sports / outdoor interests.

they both lived with their parents, she moved out at 23 and got a roommate, he didn't.

she loves to try new foods, loves lots of different national cuisines. he eats only white foods (pasta no sauce, white bread, sugar, cream of wheat, milk, twinkies... )

she has a job and a career path.

he is trying to make a video editing business out of his hobby. he's yet to make enough to move out of his childhood bedroom.

they saw each other once or twice a week, if she made the effort to go see him. if she didn't, they'd talk occasionally on the phone, but he rarely went to her place. as often as not, when he did call her it would be at a time when she'd told him she wouldn't be available to talk.

he rarely went to events with her, where she was performing, sporting events, or participated in outdoor activities. she's not much of a video gamer, can't sit still long enough to enjoy it.

in addition, their phisical relationship was, as she put it, "ho hum, uninspired", when there was any. he said it's because they were in his parent's house, but that's something he never did anything about.

after 7 years he got her a ring and asked her to marry him, but I suspect it was because she was running out of patience with him. it didn't change anything else about either the amount of time they spent together, or how he acted.

every time she'd break up with him, he'd exert himself for a few weeks, but then drop back into his old way of doing things. still, she felt she loved him, and he could make her laugh, and she felt guilty about leaving him or hurting him. and didn't want to think she'd wasted all that time.

eventually she got frustrated enough that she gave him his ring back and told him she'd be dating other guys.

he was really quite desperate when she started seeing other men... for a few weeks he would show up outside her apartment and moon up at her window, show up at her work, call and hang up or call and cry on the phone in the middle of the night. but even her dating other men wasn't enough to make him change his behavior for more than a few weeks.

last year she got married... to a really nice man, an actual adult, with a career, his own house, and an interest in outdoor things they can do together, like walking their dog and baseball. he loves that she's who she is, and participates in many of her activites, as she does in many of his. they're a great couple, well matched. she's really happy, now she has a partner who she can *share* a life with.

I'm thrilled for her, I was afraid she'd marry the previous boyfriend simply because she'd never dated anyone else... she would have been miserable and frustrated. now, she looks back and wonders what she could possibly have been thinking.

BTW, he still lives at home, and hasn't changed his life a bit.

 

[EweSheep]

zzgypsy, exactly my point! My nephew is heading in that direction, either my way or the highway if his girl questions their relationship. Good thing, they all left him in the dust! Right now he is dating a senior (met her as a junior in high school), I believe she is 18 and he is close to 24 years old. He is very set in his ways and loves the games as much as sex. He does have a kind heart when it needs to be but dating wise, I would tell all future girls to avoid him unless they are gamesters like he is. He works 30 to 40 hours a week at a seed company, lives with his mother (my sister) and spent alot of money on his "toys" including beefing up his Ford Focus like a mustang racecar! He will not grow up for a good while.

 

[Animalian]

We went on our weekend away.

He was in a terrible mood from the start, he said it was because of the 'impending drive' (2hrs), we had our first fight on the way because he hadn't called ahead to find out how to get our key because we were checking in late. I'd reminded him so many times and he still hadn't, he tried to get me to but I refused because after all, he was supposed to have organised this holiday...

we went to go see the penguins, he was excited to go see them and we both enjoyed it, but when we were looking at the penguins around the boardwalk, I turned around to discover he had run off and I was talking to myself.... found him a hour later inside the building at the top of the beach, playing a game on his phone...

In the hotel room he would play his nintendo ds, he had bought a new game just for the trip...

Whenever we went into a shop or wherever to explore he'd dissappear almost instantly, am I wrong to find that weird being as we were a couple on holiday? If I found something interesting it would take me ages to find him to show him.Not that he'd be interested except when I found a present for his brother.

There was a pool, we mucked around in it for a bit but the majority of the time he swam laps, I watched/played with some geese that were reclining to the sun chairs (so cute).We rescued a frog from the pool filter, that was fun, it even interested him.

We went on a cruize to see seals, he was excited, we both enjoyed it, it was AWESOME! But on the 30min trip back to the dock as I tried to inspire chat about what we'd just seen, he fell asleep. It was so embarrassing to sit opposite him. Quietly snooring away.... I got a 'pity' look from an old lady and a mum with kids... it was so embarrassing...

He seemed cranky at me the last night because I was hyper and I jokingly said "aww am I pissing you off", he said yes, I just glared at him. We didn't talk for a few hours then we both just fell asleep.

He was driving, when he brought us home he just dropped me off, like a parent does with their kid at school...

I was surprise that he messaged me the next day, even more he agreed to see me. And again the day after that, I was rambling in the car as I picked him up on my way home from work and he said "why do you have to talk so much when you drive" I threatened to take him home if he hated me talking so much. He told me not to 'be like that'.... sadly he did get his was and it did shut me up though..... ticked off silence... but still...

Back at my house he sits playing game on his phone. He even pulled it out to check facebook MID-CONVERSATION with my mum! Rude arse...

Oh and once again it's almost been another week since we've seen each other since then.

I saw my oldest and the 'introducing' friend last weekend and spoke to them about it. They say I keep going in circles. I need to make a break somewhere, decide something, and that whatever I decide it will hurt either way. The only difference is how long I will hurt for.
And they'll be ready with hugs and chocolate

 

[Nicola]

I agree with what your friend said, you are going in a big loop around and around and you need to decide when you say STOP WORLD I WANNA GET OFF THIS LOOP! and leave, yes you will hurt either way like they said and how long you wait will determine how much it hurts the sooner the better i would say rather than waiting 2 more years then having an AH HA! moment then leaving and hurting more than you would if you left sooner rather than later.

to you

 

[bakerjw]

After watching this post and posting some of my own thoughts I think that your best bet is to get out. People are like bad roosters. There's no sense putting up with a bad one since there are so many good ones out there.

 

[EweSheep]

Time to let go of this relationship. Overwhelming many of us feel this vibe from you and what you expected out of this relationship isn't panning out. A couple going on a trip they do things TOGETHER, not going off at different directions unless it is painful for the guy like shopping. You can shop and he can sit outside watching the crowd going by, that would have been perfectly FINE with me. Just irks me that he HAS to have that games thingy with him, indeed he is hooked on it and he won't change for you at this time.

Time for a break, let go and continue your life without him. Look at it as an experience and when someone else on here has the same problem as your soon to be ex or "parted as friends", you can relate to it and share it with others.