Need an ear, and maybe some relationship advice.

[Southernbelle]

From experience, let me tell you, it hurts SO much worse when he pushes aside or gets angry at one of your precious children because they're interfering with his game. Are you willing to be a single married parent? Put the children to bed by yourself every night, do all the housework by yourself, fix all the meals and go to bed alone every night for the rest of your life, even though he's right there in the house? Never getting to sleep in the morning after you were up all night with a sick child, because he was up late playing games. You mentioned you didn't get sympathy after a beloved pet died, do you think he'd be there for you after a devastating miscarriage or take care of you if you were on bed-rest during a difficult pregnancy? Think he'll change diapers or get up in the night with a newborn? I can tell you he won't and it's a long, difficult road for you and your children.

Things won't change as they stand right now. He has a relationship with you that requires 0 effort from him. He doesn't even invite you over, he doesn't seek out your companionship which is a huge red flag. He is content with the gaming world and doesn't want to change. He's not ready for real life. He doesn't want to look for a house or make wedding plans. He's certainly not ready for marriage and family. Divorce is such a difficult and ugly thing; it would be much better to step away from the relationship before marriage, if you have any doubts.

I know you've become comfortable with him, especially since it's your first and only relationship. This relationship is "the devil you know" so it's hard to let it go and be faced with the unknown. Trust me, there are better men out there, ones more ready for commitment. You sound like a fun and interesting woman with lots of hobbies and interests. Go ahead and cry and mourn the years you've spent on this relationship, then spend some time with yourself. Take yourself out to fun places, meet interesting people and do everything you wanted to do that he never wanted to do with you - go to the beach, go out with friends, go dancing, take yourself out to eat at nice restaurants, read books... Have fun being young and when you least expect it some guy will notice you loving your life and will want to join you.

George Straight - She Let Herself Go

 

[SourRoses]

Honestly... I could say it's something you have to come to terms with on your own, which it quite likely is... but on the other hand, if you want a true opinion on the matter, Get the heck out of that NOT-Relationship!

I've been there. Not been engaged to it, but been there.

You have nice-girl syndrome, just like I did... and when you finally wake up from nice-girl syndrome, like I did.. you will suddenly be a B-word to him, and everyone like him.

There is absolutely NOTHING wrong with being alone! Quite alot of great things in fact! If you cannot enjoy yourself without a partner, you will never enjoy yourself with one. I had to learn this the hard way, but I'm telling you, I'm sooo much happier single than I EVER was with a guy. I can look to myself for approval and myself for attention and feel confident. I can do what I want when I want and say what I want and feel what I want. Until I have this down PAT I will not be dating anyone, no exceptions.


If he is not pursuing you before the wedding, he will NOT be pursuing you after.

There IS, somewhere, at some time, a guy out there who will be right for you. One who will be the spouse you need. Part of you wants to call that a fairy-tale, I know it, and settle for what is available... but thinking that someone who is NOT the right match will ever keep you content and share a happy life with you, THAT is the real fairy-tale!

Just because we are adults does not mean we don't continue to learn and grow and change ALOT! In just the past few years there is so much about me that is much different than what it was before, when I thought myself done growing... I'm stronger, more outspoken, more confident, more knowledgeable, more opinionated... I have more hobbies, things I have found that I truly LOVE having in my life. If I had married the first shmuck I dated, I wouldn't have gotten to have those things. He would have held me down, like your stand-in is holding you down.


First, you get rid of the guy. You'd be surprised, how quickly "Love" will fade away when you have the benefit of distance you have created. Soon enough you realize that what you loved was an idea, not a person. In 6 months you will be rolling your eyes when you think of this fellow. I did it and still do

Trust me... NOT a SCERIC of hurt felt here.

Second, you start enjoying yourself, for real. Not parties or TV or the same old nonsense, but more of the things you LOVE. Your animals, quality time with your friends. The peace and quiet. ADVENTURE! Read books. Be spontaneous. Do whatever you want! It's FUN!

Just don't go looking for a replacement stand-in. When the right guy comes along, he will enjoy doing alot of what you enjoy... because how can you keep animals with a partner that doesen't love them? How can you raise children with a partner that does not care? How can you be happy with someone that does not love you for yourself instead of merely caring about what you do for him? How can you keep youself happy and strong in the Word with someone who wants to never hear about it?

 

[punk-a-doodle]

It sounds like there are some genuine concerns you both have about your compatibility. There is absolutely no rush to get married. There is no harm in taking more time to get to know each other and others, and in breaking off the engagement for now. It sounds like you haven't really dated many other people, so you may wish to do this to get a better idea of what you are looking for, and especially from a wider variety of backgrounds (college is good for that, so is traveling and internships). It's ultimately up to you both as to what you will do marriage wise, and it is your decision if you wish to marry him, and I think that is important to remember too. Sometimes outside pressure to either marry or not can be quite overwhelming.

 

[chickbea]

Am I doing my math right - you're 23 years old?
If I had it all to do over again, I wouldn't have tied myself to even the best guy in the land at that age! This is the last time in your life where you will be free to do the things you want and see all the things you want to see. It gets harder and harder to do that as you age and your obligations pile up, believe me! Now is the time to go and do and be and live and experience everything! Go! GO!

Here's relationship advice for any age person - Having a partner should make your life HAPPIER AND EASIER, not harder and more stressful. If you have the former instead of the latter, it's time to get out!

 

[mom'sfolly]

If he ignores you now, it will be worse when you are married.

If he takes you for granted now, it will be worse when you are married.

If he doesn't like your pets, friends or family now, he won't like them when you are married.

If he doesn't respect your feelings now, he won't respect them when you get married.

If he doesn't emotionally support you now, he won't support you when you get married.

If he games all the time now, he will do the same when you are married, but with a live-in maid and sex partner.

If he doesn't put any effort into the courtship stage of the relationship, marriage to him will be completely one sided.

If he irritates you now, he will irritate you after you are married.

If your friends and family don't like him or how he treats you, they probably see what you do not.

If you marry him, you will end up doubting yourself and your decision making. You will invest yourself fully with someone, from your description, loves convenience and lack of effort more than he loves you. He doesn't share the same values, interests or activity levels. Eventually you will both end up resenting the other for how you both choose to spend your time. Your pets and social activities will get in the way of his gaming, and you will resent the time he spends gaming. Both of you will feel that the other wastes all their time doing stupid stuff.

I think you both probably deserve better than a marriage to each other.

 

[redhen]

To me..is sounds like hes not really that into you..

(sorry..

)
Just my opinion, but when a man LOVES you.... you KNOW it..you just know it. And you DONT feel the way that you are feeling now..
If a man loves you..you DO NOT have to basically insist that he spend time with you.
If a man loves you..he CARES that you are hurting..(like when your dog died)...
The choice is yours, but i know why you are SCARED.... you KNOW somethings wrong with him.

You are so young and ALREADY in an abusive relationship cycle... (yes, him ignoring you and treating you like a doormat to be used when its convenient for him, IS mental abuse..). And thats makes me sad for you..
He KNOWS he can get away with this... well,... because frankly, he has for 7 years now...
There it is..
The choice is only yours on HOW you want to live the REST OF YOUR LIFE...
If you LIKE the way you feel now... then fine. Go with it..
If not...

 

[satay]

Got to agree with redhen " He is just not that into you"

It seems he likes the fact that you have stayed even though he has treated you badly. Why would he change when he knows you will pretty much put up with anything.

People treat you how you allow them too.
I hope you find the strenght to leave this man and to find someone who really appreciates you for just being you.

 

[Beekissed]

Quote:
X2 on this. This tale has 'disaster' written all over it. I know it seems like all those years have been wasted but they have not....you have spent them learning about what you DO NOT want and what won't work for you. All education that is worth anything at all takes a lot of time to complete.

My advice? Graduate from this course and get on with your real life, taking the lessons you have learned. Also...you might use this time to get a closer relationship with the Lord, learning what the Bible states about relationships and using that as your guide for next time.

 

[Kaitie09]

I'm in almost the same boat are you. High school sweethearts, together for 4 years. I'm growing up, he does not seem to be. I can see the potential in him, but it is just not happening. My problem is that we have been best friends since were were 10. We have both gone from saying "if we break up" to "when we break up". I just think neither one of us wants to be the one to do it, because we don't want to lose the other.

I can understand your internal conflicts. Some nights I sit and wonder what it would be like without him, and can't. Other nights I imagine being married to him, and can't. I know our relationship is slowly fading, but I still want to stay friends with him. I tell myself that I need to just suck it up and do it, but it breaks my heart. I hope you can do what I can't right now.

 

[AhBee01]

I think he sounds depressed. I also think you should reconsider your relationship, it seems one sided. I hope you get your answers, good luck!