Need an ear, and maybe some relationship advice.

[justbugged]

Quote:
Simply more evidence that he really loves them. They don't talk back. They don't cry. They don't ask for anything. They assist him to not deal with anything in the real world. He loves his world, and most likely feels very safe. He isn't required to do anything besides play with his fantasies. The game systems are so much easier, than having a relationship with another human being.

Did I understand that he is still living with his parents?

Yes, and so am I (my own parents that is)
I felt ready to move out years ago. But any attempts to get the ball rolling would fizzle out. Partially because I would do everything because he wouldn't so I'd give up on it thinking he wasn't really interested

He doesn't want to move. He doesn't have any reasons to move. He is getting everything he needs where he is at. I would imagine that his mother is doing all the cooking and laundry. So if they go away on holiday, you are then asked to come over and fill in for his mother. I think that is the worst thing that can happen to a relationship. Who would want to have whoopie with their mummy. Or in your case why make whoopie with your child. That is all he his. He is a child. He parents seem to be okay that he will continue to stay a child for the rest of their lives. This is making him a retarded human. He will continue becoming less of an intelligent person as time goes on. At best all you will be able to do, is stand in as his mother.

You need to move out on your own. Find another person and share a space. Stretch your wings and fly.

 

[Animalian]

Here's another example from today. One of the rare times he wants to do something out of the house.
I'm at work and get a text message. "got the next few days off", a few hours later at my tea break...

him"If I were to borrow Huey (my dog), where would the spare key be?"
me"why are you taking huey?"
him"wanna go for a walk or something"
me "your bored?"
him "a little"
me "i'd say its too hot for him at this time of day"
him "ok"

the at lunch I messaged "Could go for a swim, I think the pools are open now"
"hmm good idea"

1. He's been told many times where the spare key is...
2. I made a half truth, I didn't really want him to walk the dog alone because he is 40kg and only really listens to me, plus He has no real experience with dogs. He wouldn't recognise if Huey began overheating. Which he is prone to. He almost always refuses when I offer him the lead. He likes Huey when he feels like it.
3. I suggested swimming instead. I have been bugging him about going for a swim all month but get "....nah not today". So when he said yes I thought he might mean WITH me. I hear nothing more, I get home, he's not there, and I see on facebook that he went for a swim by himself during the day.

That's all the contact we've had today. Worst part is that now I know he is sitting and home alone, gaming, knowing I'm home alone too... It doesn't make sense he would want to come spend one on one time....

Did I mention in the years we have been together we have spoken on the phone a grand total of 5 times? He even asked me out by text

 

[Mattemma]

I would live my own life and not live WITH him.This way you are free to see him when and if you want to,but also free to engage in activities that do not interest him. While on your own you may meet someone more in line with your way of life. He is and will always be your first love,but when the relationship is lacking to much to give you a sense of contentment then it is time to move on. He sounds more like a roommate than a spouse.

You only have one life and if you want to live it like it is now just keep going along,but do not expect him to change when you put it all out there.

I would tell him what issues there are as you did in this posting. Not to push him to change,but to make him see why YOU are making a change(or accepting him).Nothing wrong with him or you.Just together the needs(for you) are no longer bieng met.

Move out on your own and do not let him move in.Stay with parents and save some cash.Cut contact for a while and focus on yourself.He will STILL be there gaming away in his bedroom.With little motivation he may be a 50+yo gaming in his childhood bedroom.His choice I guess,and your choice if you want that sort of life for yourself.

Best wishes for you both!

 

[Animalian]

Quote:
I have told him/spoken to him about it. Many times. Especially when I've almost broken up with him. Let him know how I feel about how he treats me... What I would like. He puts in the effort for about a week... then POOF it's as if nothing ever happened. Also whenever I bring it up he says he "never saw it coming" or there was "no warning" I was unhappy.....

 

[EweSheep]

Sounds like a whiney a** kid if you ask me!

He is NOT going to change....he has indicated that already by focusing all of his energies on the games. Let him date his games.

Go to California, and I am certain there are guys that LOVES Aussie girls! Oh goody, the charm those boys can do! Enjoy the parks in CA, with the giant redwoods and outdoorsy stuff, it woudl be an experience you won't forget or regret.

Close this chapter on this guy and start a new one for the next thing, your independency and what YOU want to do. You are young and enjoy it, life is too short. I didn't meet my husband until I was 33 years old, got married at 39 and we have been together for that long! It was well worth the wait and I also enjoyed the independence in my 20's and 30's, doing what I wanted to do!

 

[perolane]

Everyone who posted here has given you good advice....now only YOU can make the decision to change your life. You can not change another person...change comes from within themselves. From your posts, I don't believe that he cares for you...you are a convienience when needed.

You're so young, please do not walk, RUN away from this man & this relationship as fast as you can!! You will survive & in hindsight, you'll wonder why you waited so long! There is someone out there for you with the same values, goals, & interests. You have so much time to find him...enjoy your youth until you do!

 

[mom'sfolly]

I'm going to suggest something. It will sound strange, but I think it might give you the perspective you need.

You rarely see him, you text him, and never talk...so, break up with him mentally. In your head, move him to the friend category. Any interaction with him, consider him just another friend. But, DON"T TELL HIM. Just make a mental break. See if your perspective on him changes. Is he a friend you would continue to spend time with? Is he someone you would be attracted to? Let yourself be open to other encounters. If someone asks you out, for a casual date, or even or a more formal date, go. This guy isn't going to notice. He's not going to notice that you are unavailable. If you want to go out with friends, go dancing, go to a movie, do it. You can invite him if you want, but if he doesn't want to go, go yourself.

This man is so into himself, he's not even going to notice the mental break...but you will. This will be very freeing. Do not lock yourself into a life with a killjoy.

 

[kaom]

I've only read your initial post...too many follow up posts to get through. but I can tell you, quite simply: you need to dump him. your gut feeling is always right. it's what you know anyway but maybe are too scared to either admit openly or even just to yourself.

they say opposites attract but this guy's negativity will kill you. end of story.

move on. cry a lot. then get ready for an exciting life full of adventures and passion!

 

[turney31]

mom'sfolly :

I'm going to suggest something. It will sound strange, but I think it might give you the perspective you need.

You rarely see him, you text him, and never talk...so, break up with him mentally. In your head, move him to the friend category. Any interaction with him, consider him just another friend. But, DON"T TELL HIM. Just make a mental break. See if your perspective on him changes. Is he a friend you would continue to spend time with? Is he someone you would be attracted to? Let yourself be open to other encounters. If someone asks you out, for a casual date, or even or a more formal date, go. This guy isn't going to notice. He's not going to notice that you are unavailable. If you want to go out with friends, go dancing, go to a movie, do it. You can invite him if you want, but if he doesn't want to go, go yourself.

This man is so into himself, he's not even going to notice the mental break...but you will. This will be very freeing. Do not lock yourself into a life with a killjoy.

Very good advice!​

 

[m.kitchengirl]

I hope you are hanging in there today.
I am overwhelmed by the responses you got, so I am sure you are DOUBLY shocked.
At least.

Another thing I want to say. There is a lot of talk on this thread about him being depressed.
He probably is. I think video gamers, on the whole, are pretty depressed people.

I was parked outside of a Game Stop store the other day & everyone walking in & out of that place looked like they were about 3 hours away from climbing a clock tower and opening fire. No offense to gamers. I think it is just the lack of sunlight and over use of Doritos that gives them that gray pallor. It is probably the fact that they HATE to be anywhere but in front of the screen that makes them look homicidal.

Anyhow, my prejudices aside...

Don't excuse his behaviors because he may be depressed. Like alcoholism, depression is something that one must battle everyday. If he isn't committed to get treatment for his own sake there is nothing you can do to help him.

I think it is important to find a man who treats you right when he ISN'T in the dog house. If he is behaves when put on notice, to me that is almost worse than never being good to me at all.
Good love is consistent, not trotted out for show when company comes, or you pack your bags.
Good love is reliable.