Need an ear, and maybe some relationship advice.

[seminolewind]

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I have chronic depression. I am very hard to live with. Thank God my hubby understands. And I am not nasty. And we are alot older than you. I am glad you are questioning whether you can live with that or not. What's it going to be like later on when you have kids? I think you are too young to get involved and marry into an already complicated relationship. Medications do help, but it's never 100%, esp with the mood swings.

I am not knocking people with depression. I am one of them. But you are young now, and I would not be taking any steps closer to the aisle at this time. And being nasty and controlling are separate issues. And I would be saying to myself "how dare you", and I would not be putting up with that.

I think it's a good thing that you came to us for advice. It's a step in the right direction.

 

[ChicksterJo]

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I really liked what was said here. I haven't been in your exact same situation. But I know a couple of guys who are always playing video games, or watching t.v., or talking to their friend on the phone, etc. not paying attention to their partners, girlfriend, wife...That is a bad combination. I told my SO that to be with me, he doesn't necessarily have to be exactly like me, or enjoy or love the same things I do, but we should get along naturally. We should enjoy each other's company. We communicate and it took some work to get there, but we learned to talk with each other.

If your fiance doesn't understand the kind of life that you want to lead, and if he doesn't feel like that's the life he wants, then what good is it to be with him. You do have to think about what you think your life will be like years from now, and ask yourself if you'd have any regrets about being with him. Don't stay with this guy just because it's a habit to be with him.

 

[EweSheep]

I have a nephew just like that. He already went thru four different girlfriends, twice with one girl. All of them told his mother that he was so focused on the games, rather be in front on tv whenever she comes to visit my nephew. He goes straight to the TV to play and all they did was sitting there, and more sitting around that they got fed up with him. He is 23 years old and still lives with his mother despite of full time job but that is all he does with his free time and holidays. When he goes with us on holiday dinners, he would eat fast and needs to get back home to his games.

He is not going to change. His girlfriends are like the revolving door and he really didn't want to take the time to go out or he is not "up to it". Rarely he ever takes them to the movies or birthday dinners.

My sister and I don't think he will have a good relationship until he cut back on the games. Im glad none of his girlfriends stay with him very long and they went on to have successful relationships with other men and one is getting married to a wonderful devoted guy that took the time to give her attention.

 

[Animalian]

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Yeah he does that too, takes a week off and just does the same old thing, gaming away. Then I'll end up saving some time off, tell him and suggest we go away or at least spend it together. But he'll have no more leave available.... Half the time I wouldn't even know he'd taken the time off either.

@punk-a-doodle I always spoke to people about being bullied. I wouldn't blame myself, I would wonder what was wrong in the bullies life that would make them be like that. Therefore I would feel sorry for them. Look for their good points and always treat them nicely. I refuse to give up on people.
It worked in one case, my friend chris bullied me for two years, then something clicked and now he's my best guy friend. Been like that for 9years now. Turned out his umm... "inner turmoil' was the stress he experienced at home living with a manic depressive father and other people constantly accusing him of being gay! It was awkward at first, but as soon as he opened up enough for me to find that out, he made sense, and I talked to him/helped him as best I could. He seemed to settle a bit with someone to talk to. Now he's a fully fledged psychologist and ok with his dad etc. I think learning psychology helped him to understand, so he can accept his dad's behavior more now.

 

[punk-a-doodle]

@punk-a-doodle I always spoke to people about being bullied. I wouldn't blame myself, I would wonder what was wrong in the bullies life that would make them be like that. Therefore I would feel sorry for them. Look for their good points and always treat them nicely. I refuse to give up on people.
It worked in one case, my friend chris bullied me for two years, then something clicked and now he's my best guy friend. Been like that for 9years now. Turned out his umm... "inner turmoil' was the stress he experienced at home living with a manic depressive father and other people constantly accusing him of being gay! It was awkward at first, but as soon as he opened up enough for me to find that out, he made sense, and I talked to him/helped him as best I could. He seemed to settle a bit with someone to talk to. Now he's a fully fledged psychologist and ok with his dad etc. I think learning psychology helped him to understand, so he can accept his dad's behavior more now.

That's good that there is no self-blame, as that can be very detrimental.

It's great to not give up on people, but only, only, only, if you are able to keep your boundaries safe and secure (I'm not saying you can't as an individual, but rather, many people are not able to). If not, extreme physical and emotional harm can happen (not sure how appropriate specifics are for this forum). Yes, psychology can be a very therapeutic and healing subject for many to go into. Most of the psych majors I know have had some serious turmoil in their life and are now better able to manage it because it helps to offer understanding. So glad your friend chose this path of healing, and that you helped him there.

 

[Animalian]

I hate how I'm so indecisive over this... One minute I hate it and just want out and remember everything he's done. Then the next day I'm all 'it's not THAT bad' and go back to normal.

Today we were messaging and he was buying shoes at the plaza (mall i think you'd guys call it) near my work. It was 11:30 and I suggested we have lunch there together, he said ok what time. I said 12:30. Apparently thats too long to 'wait around' which is understandable, except for the fact he lives 5mins down the road and could have gone home for the hour... We haven't seen each other for 4 days...

I've been thinking hard about all this, and I think it would be better for me if I broke it off with him, I'm tired of being let down and ignored and think it would be healthier, mentally/emotionally, for me in the long run. But I'm someone who always wonders 'what if', and I do love him and have some good memories with him. I also re-melt every time I see him. So I don't know if I can be sure enough, for long enough, or bold enough, to actually do anything about it....

 

[duckyfromoz]

I recently learned that my sister had finally split up with her one and only ever boyfriend. She had been with him for around 10 years. ( she still lives at home with Mum- and always thought no-one else would be interested in her, so she just stayed in a dead end relationship ) Now at thirty years old she is out and dating- nothing too serious yet- but she has more than one fellow showing great interest. My mother says she is the happiest she has been in a very long time. I am very happy for her too as she has been able to gain so much by finally making the hard decision to end the relationship even though she was still in love with her partner. If my sister can do it...anyone can - and find new happiness.

Personally...I am the last person that should be giving relationship advise. I am happily singe and plan to stay that way for at least another 5- 10 years. I have a teenaged daughter to care for- my birds and a full life with what I chose to make part of my life. So I wont give you any advise...just hope for you that you can soon make up your mind and be happy in yourself for what ever your decision turns out to be.

 

[EweSheep]

If he didn't tell you or let you know he had some time off and does his thing, it is not being very considerate. If my boyfriend did that, I would know he is not very caring to share or he is sending you vibes that he does not want to be bothered by you or want your presence around. And I would just "go away" for awhile to clear my head of indecision what I want to do with the relationship. Once you know where you want to go, either drop him or put up with him.

 

[chickened]

My wife and I can make it about 3 days apart from each other. We do vacations together, we go out to dinner usually 2 times a week when we can afford it. My wife fixes 3 meals a day for me, my wife stays at home and takes care of the farm and would not have it any other way, we do things for each other that each other knows we do not always enjoy doing, we resolve all disputes the same day, and the list goes on and on... we have been married almost 25 years. These are things that we have done for each other from when we met, at 5 years, 10, 15, 20 and ... well you get it. There should be some progress in your relationship after what? 7 years. Time to move forward my dear, with or without him. Personally, if the guy has not offered to marry after 7 years it is not in his gameplan book or he is waiting for you to ask and then he may do it to shut you up. I know this as a guy who was in a few relationships prior to marriage, you say what she wants to hear if all you want is the milk.

 

[halo]

Have you thought of maybe a "time out" from each other for a bit. Just let him know that your not entirely happy with how things are and maybe you need some time apart to think and regroup. He may be taking you a bit for granted, so with some enforced time apart, you'll know whether he really cares about you and will be willing to worth things out, or if it really doesnt matter one way or the other to him.

The final question...are you better with him or without him?