Nevadans?

[americanvalkyrie]

One of the most poignant moments of my life was having my dad fall sobbing into my arms when we got there for mom's funeral. He was a hardcore cowboy, tough as nails. Never showed emotion or softness to his kids. But mom was everything to him. I was single at the time... had been dating Russ for 5 weeks... and dad's gesture made me realize exactly what I deserved in a husband. I knew dad loved mom, but never realized how powerful that love was until that moment.

I can say that losing mom was easier than losing my daughter, though. I had Russ to help me through, I had strengthened my faith and my belief that I would see her again. I didn't have either of those when my daughter died. But really... there is no comparison. Just like it's not fair to reflect on our own grieving experiences and expect someone else to feel the same. (I'm not saying this in relation to anyone on this site. I'm saying it in relation to prejudices I've experienced when people have tried to tell me how to grieve, or that I shouldn't grieve. That hurts the most... people telling you that you shouldn't grieve.)

When I see others in pain, I try to remember the few things that made me feel better... Someone honestly, TRULY being there is the best. Saying they're there for us, then paying attention so they can jump in if we need something. Trite phrases like, "You have a guardian angel now!" do nothing, sometimes hurt worse. Ignoring someone for months on end as they "heal" doesn't help either. But just sitting and listening when that person decides to open up... bringing by a plate of cookies... I had someone be that person when I lost Aurora. 14 years later, she's still my hero.

I pray I won't lose Russ too soon. I know I'll be a widow someday. He has too many genetic health problems. But I just pray, so hard, that he won't leave until the kids are raised. That I'll be strong enough to handle it. Hopefully I'll have enough people around me to help me out, and I can take lessons from my friends who have been there.

Huge hugs to those of you who are grieving right now. I don't know you very well yet, but my heart truly goes out to you.

 

[Peep_Show]

There is no right way or wrong way to grieve. You've got to pick your own path on that one. And, yes, even doing nothing is a personal choice. Sometimes being still will chill the internal chatter and let a true voice come forth, but admittedly it's hard when you're reeling, stunned, in a fog to get over that insult and into insight.

MIssy: Hallmark is merely frosting and not the cupcake.... I agree that trite sentiments do little and sometimes actually sting. Being there and checking in, even if just to say "Heya, thinking of you and wondering how it's going" and then really listening and validating the response is far more therapeutic. Grief can truly be a self-imposed exile on life.

Penturner: Beautiful words about the singing. That sounds very much like what my wise and learned Navajo friend would say.

Kim: re: your 53 days in the Seventh Circle. Egads. The saying is "It always comes in threes." I find it usually applies to appliances and mechanical things, although 2007 was a big one for personal loss for me with three very important male figures in my life having horrific tragic ends. But all of yours in the span of two months? Double hugs and a Badge of Courage for you for having an experience like that in spades.

I've got a beloved uncle in Hospice care right now, predicted not to make it to Thursday (although I feel a vibe that the Super Bowl won't be that super), so all the relatives are gathering. He had another stroke and fall and just gave up on the recovery. I fear that once he goes Mom (already in decline) will have a rapid descent, so perhaps it'll be 2007's deja vu. When Mom passes, though, I don't know whether I'll feel lost or relief. I think sudden or fairly quick is better than lingering and slowly ebbing away. A prognosis of a slow insidious disease truly infects the whole family and really puts a pall on things. In some respects I think I've already grieved having had 7 years of imminence between her and Dad. I feel good, though, knowing that when the folks have passed I won't have regrets about not having spent enough time with them as I've been uber-attentive.

And so we just take it a day at a time......

 

[sherylreno]

Sheryl I actually get better hatches in my LG than my Sportsman, but I use 2 LGs for hatchers too. My problem with these hatches was shipped eggs. I know the one shipment was doomed, but was hoping the others would make it or do better. Now that my birds are laying again I can't wait to get some to hatch out.

But don't be discouraged with an LG. They work if you set them and then not keep adjusting. That's the biggest problem most have with them. Not the incubator it's the operator. Just play with it a bit before you set any eggs.

Thanks Kim! I haven't read anything on here good about a LG but John said so what it's cheaper than shipping and you can get the top of the line with the automatic turner and still save money. I got $175.00 from Nonni and my MIL so I thought it would be a good time to start hatching. I'm trying to get the ducklings to hatch in the middle of March because my son and his family is coming then and I want to see ducklings hatch out with them. I know they would love it.

Sheryl, have your ducks given you any more eggs? How is an LG incubator rated? Sahara wants to hatch eggs, but I don't want to spend over $100 on something, when we don't have the capacity to keep multiple hatches. Maybe I'll hatch vicariously through other people's forum posts.

Kim, that just plain stinks about your Marans hatch rate! I'm noticing a trend here... people trying to hatch Marans and being disappointed. Is there a lower hatch rate for them, or is everyone just getting crummy luck with expensive eggs?

Elizabeth, when mine started, I got one egg... a few days later another egg... hours and hours of chickens singing the egg song... dogs letting me know that there was a lot of a suspicious new sound going on... then within a few weeks at the most they were all popping out breakfast. The 3 faverolles started laying within the same week, and the Delaware about two weeks later.

Now, I rarely ever hear clucking out there. They just drop an egg and get on with life. Today, after catching eggs in the same nesting box since October, I found one 3 inches away. I guess when you gotta go, you just gotta go?

Oh my gosh Missy, if only you knew!

The WH's are the best egg layers by far. They are better than any chicken can be. They don't take breaks at all and they lay the same time every single day. I'm having a hard time to get up at 3:30am to collect Sierra's egg and then 4:30am to collect Misty's egg. So when I get them at 5:30am they are already cold and the donuts are already gone, except with one of Misty's egg which didn't have a donut but just the spot where it would be if it got fertilized. WH's only has a 75% fertility ratio so it's a hit and miss with them. I know when it's warmer out I won't be having issues like this but I'm trying to rush it a bit with the family coming. Perhaps I should bring them into the house in the brooder and make them stay there until they lay there eggs but boy would Justin be so make at me. I don't think I could live down the telling me off thing he likes to do when I take any of his ladies.

 

[sherylreno]

Sunny, I see where you understand about your Dad being lost. It's so hard when you lose your right arm. My Dad said he had it better than any of his other male friends who lost their wives because he has a family support system to lean on. It's hard to believe I'm going on 3 years with my Mom. She comes into my mind all of the time.

Daniel, speaking of singing - I know where that comes from too. My Mom had a special hymn she would sing at Church and all day long. Christmas of 2009 I went to the House of Bread to pick up some cinnamon bread to make french toast. While I was standing in line my Mom's favorite hymn started playing on the speaker. The tears just came flowing standing there waiting to get to pay for the bread. I get to the register and tell them what I wanted with tears just flowing down as fast as they would come. The girl didn't even blink at first getting my bread and asking if that was all and I said it was the best and thank you. She saw I was crying and wanted to know if everything was okay, I told her it was, I just got a gift today from my Mom.

I got back into my truck and just bawled away. Nonni was inside the truck waiting for me and she was upset and wanted to know what was wrong. I told her nothing was wrong, my Mom's song started playing inside there. She said don't drive until you can get it out. Boy did I just sit there and bawled and said what a happy Christmas this will be knowing I still have Mom with me.

I don't know what's better really. Sudden death or a death you can be there with and be able to talk to the person. With my Mom, I was actually prepared. Don't ask me how but I was. I knew I was going to Florida to say good bye. When the doctor's told us there wasn't a chance that Mom could survive any longer and we have a choice with hospice or we can wait and see if she could recover. My Dad, sisters and I decided to have Mom use hospice. Dad went and told Mom she could go to hospice if she wanted to and if she got better she could come home. Mom asked Dad what did we already decide and Dad said I'm here now to ask you what you want. Mom couldn't answer him. Dad asked her if she wanted to think about it and she said yes.

Well Mom went into a coma after that so we really had no choice but to use hospice. It was hard on Dad. My parents met when Mom was 14 and Dad was 16. They were married when Mom was 16 and Dad was 18. She went into the coma 3 days before their 52nd Anniversary. We were in the hall at the hospital talking. Dad said there was no way he could watch Mom die. My 2 sisters said there was no way to watch her die either. I raised my hand and said that's why I'm here, God brought me here for her. I can and I will be here with her. Dad said he was going home and would not be back to see Mom again. I told him no one is to judge you Dad, you make your choices. He said it was just way too hard.

Two days later Mom came out of her coma. It was sorta funny the way it happened. The nurse kept asking her if she was in pain. Mom couldn't do anything but the nurse would come in every 15 minutes and ask if she was in pain. My youngest sister called and said she was bringing Mom's favorite drink because Mom said if she didn't feel good than get her a diet cherry lime aid and she would always feel better. I laughed and said Kathy, a diet cherry line aid uh, well Mom can't drink anything she's in a coma still. Kathy said it's makes no difference she's bringing it.

The nurse came in right as I hung up the phone with Kathy and asked Mom if she was in pain. OH MY GOSH, Mom opened her eyes looked at the nurse and yelled - I told you no!

I jumped so high, I could not believe it. The nurse laughed and said you just got a gift that most people don't get, enjoy this moment. Mom looked at me and said where's the diet cherry lime aid. I laughed and said it's coming. She said good.

Kathy got there and I started feeding it to her with the straw. Mom grabbed the cup from me took off the lid and started chugging away. Kathy looked at me and said, see I told ya so.

Kathy called Dad and said - she's awake do you want to come and he said he couldn't. The nurse came in and asked Mom if she was in pain and Mom said yes. I asked the nurse to please don't give her any meds so we can enjoy this moment. The nurse said she had no choice because Mom said yes. The nurse gave Mom the medicine and Mom fell asleep. She never woke up again. I left for the night and went back to Dad's.

I woke up the next morning and I couldn't find Dad. I called him and asked where are you and he said at the hospital with Mom. I got ready and left right away to the hospital. The first thing I said when I walked in was - Happy Anniversary. He was holding Mom's hand. He said thank you, I was hoping she would make it to today. He said he thought she was doing better today but I told him no. Her kidney's had emptied into the bag. He stayed until it was time to take Mom to the hospice center. We met him there.

I'll just say, it was the best thing anyone could ask for. They treated Mom the best I've ever seen. They gave Mom a bath. Fixed her hair. Made sure she was comfortable. Mom passed the next day. Peacefully.

My parents and my in laws were married on the same day but 1 year apart. My FIL had gone through the surgery for pancreatic cancer. When Mom died, my FIL called me and told me how sorry he was she had passed.

Well, longer story short, my FIL had a cardiac arrest. He just fell over dead. He died 13 days, 13 minutes from my Mom. His death was harder for me than Mom's was. My Mom already arranged her Memorial, her urn and where her urn is to be kept until Dad could meet her again. I have it. My FIL picked his crypt but nothing else. He didn't think he was going to die that year. My MIL told him he can't die yet and he told her he wouldn't.

The first thing my MIL said to me was he lied to her, he wasn't suppose to die. I told her it wasn't his choice to die. We can't choose that. I put the funeral together. I chose the marker, the casket and everything else needed.

It's still hard with both of them. I hope everyday they both find someone to help them with their pain and to have fun again. They both deserve it. I will welcome anyone into our home that will give them happiness again.

Okay, I'm done. I hope this didn't bother anyone to hear this. My Mom is with me now waiting for Dad. She wanted me to place her on my fireplace mantle but there was no way I could do that so I put her in the guest room. If it bothers anyone when they sleep in there then I remove her to the living room.

 

[SunnyDawn]

All these stories are so touching! I don't know why so many folks are afraid to speak of death. I've always thought we should continue to honor our dead.

Missy and Kim, I have no words. In my mind dealing with the death of a child has got to be the worst thing ever! I used to have horrible nightmares that something would happen to one of my kids, especially my DD. I finally had to accept that this was a possibility that I had no control over and worrying myself sick wasn't helping anyone. I just cannot imagine the sorrow you must have felt! I've never lost a child or a spouse so my heart can't know what you went through. Huge hugs to you both!

I have been very blessed that, while this is not the first loved one I've lost, this is the first in my immediate family. Your stories remind me of a tale I heard long ago about Buddha. I'll have to paraphrase since I can't remember the story word for word. A woman who was stricken when her son suddenly died came to him insisting that he bring her son back to life. When he tried to tell her that he had no such powers, she insisted that he could if he wanted to. He finally told her to go out and find a household that had not experienced the tragedy of death. When she found this family she was to return to him and at that time he would bring her son back from the dead.

Well of course she traveled far and wide and could not find one family that had not experienced the death of a loved one. The lesson for the woman was that she was not alone in her grieving and that it is simply a part of life. Hearing your stories reminds me that I am not alone with these feelings. Most of you have experienced the pain I am feeling and many of you have experienced pain much greater! For those of you that haven't had to deal with this yet, I hope you go a very very long time before you do.

Daniel, I think you have more than a touch of the clairvoyant. My Mom kept starting songs she wanted me to sing the last week she was still here (she slipped into a coma for the last 2 days). I would pick up the song and sing it with her and she would smile the most beautiful smile as soon as I joined in. Her whole face would just shine! The day before the coma they brought in a piano player that was volunteering his time at the hospital. He was actually quite good!

He seemed a little miffed when my Mom said she would prefer it if I sang the lyrics and he just played the piano. Once he heard me sing though his irritation faded away and he started to enjoy the music. A large crowd of folks gathered outside the room listening. I tried very hard to not let the huge lump in my throat stop me since my Mom was so happy listening to the music that she actually started to tap her feet to the beat!

She requested song after song but in the end a particular lyric got the best of me and my Dad and I burst into tears. Well more than tears. I can sing through tears but not those kind. She looked very sad that the music had ended but I just couldn't go on. I promised her I would finish the song for her another time. I will keep that promise but I am not able to just yet. Thank you for the reminder that I still owe her that.


Speaking of music, Kim you need to tell the story of the gas station, that car of yours, and the gangster crowd it drew.



On another note. I am not getting any notifications of new posts on any of the threads I am subscribed to! I had heard others complain of this but until now had not had this problem. You can't just unsubscribe and resubscribe like on the last version of BYC. I have tried everything and it is still not working. The flip side of this is that my inbox is much neater than it usually is.

 

[sherylreno]

Hi Sunny, you brought the tears back from earlier with me. They were sweet tears though.

 

[chicharomirinda]

to you Sunny and thanks to you and all the others for sharing your stories with us. I pray for peace and comfort for you in the midst of your loss. And

to the others who have had loss as well.

I also do not get any notifications any more or they are hit or miss. Hopefully they will work out the bug. I really like the notification mainly to be able to click on the link and get to the right place in the thread.

 

[sherylreno]

I cracked open the 2 duck eggs that were laid today and they were FERTILE! Donuts were there!

Now to open the incubator boxes and get that going as I collect my eggs for it.

Aubrey, may I borrow your incubator for the hatching of the ducklings? I want to be ready if I need another one.

 

[wolftracks]

I love all of the posts. Sunny, you ans Steve just fit when Bill and I met you. I wish you two had known him like other people did. You two though remeind me too much of US. It's great to see, but also hard. Don't know if that makes since.\

I'm leaving for the cememtery in just a bit, so kind of a fitting story huh Sunny???

Oh and the "comes in threes" is the story of my life. Bill was filling out life inssurance apers the day before he died. I didn't want to talk about them. I had just lost my parents and couldn't. IHe said the next day after his apointment at the VA clinic he'd know why he was feeling very well and do whatever they said to do cause he wasn't going anywhere and not to worry. I told him not to be my number three. He laughed at me and said "Baby, I'm not going anywhere. You're stuck with me for a long long time." I found him the next morning on the floor in the bathroom. He had been gone for hours. Hadn't made it to his appointment and until the autopsy, we didn't know he was really sick. I think the fact that I woke up thinking all the bad was going to be better and I was going to start life over and we had made so many plans the day before was just to much. Had to take the house out of escrow. I still don;t know anyone here and I have a hard time leaving the house. It's just hard without him here to get me through every day. Anyway, that's the short version of it really. He died 11 days before our 11th anniversary and that's the day I had his funeral.

So I met my dad a little over a year after we were married. We got out first computer and I spent every night that he was at the hospital search the internet to find my dad. When I finally did, we went back to Oklahoma during a family reunion and I met nearly the whole family including 2 sisters and 2 brothers. The first night my dad and I were sitting on the porch and he told me I was added to his will, and that really bothered me. I just wanted to meet him. BTW he didn't know I had been born. A really long story!

I got word of the money about a week before Bill died. I told him if it was enough Iwas getting a new laptop. I didn't get the money or know how much until after Bill died and my brother pushed to get it through so I could live on it while waiting for my survivor benefits. I'm still waiting on those! The VA sucks! And I may not get anything.

So I find out how much it is and to me it felt like a million bucks. Our van broke down. I needed a car. My daughter took me out to Travis to get my laptop and I used to to find a car. Everything was more than I could afford. I wanted a Handa Accord. My oldest has one that Bill loved to drive and it goes forever on a tank of gas. So I couldn't find one anywhere. Daughters number 3 and 4 went with me to an auction. I couldn't beleive how much Accords were going for. Man! So Bill had a car he always wanted and he was going to buy my sister's and she ended up selling it to someone else. Really hurt his feelings. The day before he died we decided to start going to the auctions and we were going to get one. Not the car I was looking for however. But my car came up. The price was still low, but still more than I wanted to spend.

Daughter #3. "Mom, this is Bill's dream car!"

Me "I;m not spending that much on that car! I'll be broke!"

Daughter #3 "Mom, that's low for that car. Just go up 50 bucks and you can say you did it. It's not gonna go that cheap and you can make a bid for Bill."

Me to the guy calling bids "Can we go up $50?"

Auctioneer "SOLD!"

Me "CRAP!"

Girls ran to the car.

Me "Back away form MY CAR!"

Sorry, but you had to know why I drive this car first to understand. I KNOW Bill had something to do with this car!

So I needed a Black AM roo. Sunny had Clyde. We talked and her and Steve were delivering birds, so we decided to meet in Fairfield. That's another long story. So I finally get to the resturant and we sit and talk for a while. Then we go to leave and I put Clyde in the car and since I had been lost for HOURS I decided I should fill the tank just in case. BTW this was an excellent move on my part. Took 5 hours to get home. LOL

So I drive my shinny black Jag S-Type with the chrome 20" rims and low profile tires into a very lit gas station and go pay. It was empty when I got there. I was the only car. The radio is playing through the loud speakers. I turn after paying and I swear every gang banger in Fairfield had driven in while my back was turned. I had never been one of those people that let things like that intimidate me, but it was my first time out without bill. I was far from home. Everyone was looking at me and my car. Guys even got out of back seats and passenger seats to look at it. I'm standing there thinking I should just forget the money and take off, but I started to pump the gas. A few of the guys were whispering and really eyeballing the car. I felt sick and alone. I whispered, "OK Bill, now do you see why I need you to come back? I can't do this without you." The song on the radio suddenly changed. I grew up on this group. When ever I heard this song, which wasn't very often I thought of my husband. "Don't Mess With Bill" echoed through the station. I got this smile on my face and knew he was there watching me. I looked across at the guys that had been eyeballing and they were knodding their heads and I got thumbs up on my car. When I went to put the nozzle back, same thing from almost every guy in that station. I got into my car. Waited for the song to end and drove off. Unfortunately, my gps was set on scenic view or something and I ended up way out of the way and since I was back in the Bay Area found my own way home. I was feeling pretty confident when I left that station, but Bill sure didn't help me get back home any time soon.

OK time to go back and retrace those steps. LOL Taking Bills some flowers, a birthday balloon and peanut butter cups! Then I'm going out on the base and look at the planes. I'm weird that way and so was he, so Dakotah and I are doing it today.

 

[NevadaRon]

Well, no more eggs so far. Just the one on Wednesday. Lots of the girls are squatting for me so I know it's only a matter of time before more start showing up. I have been searching the coop everyday since then though.

You didn't say how many times a day you have been checking!