Nice Girl syndrome... so true

[chickened]

Quote:
yep.

 

[ChooksinChoppers]

Dude, I really wish you could spend a day at my job and tell me that...If that were true then my life would be so much easier and I'd sleep better at night.

There are abusers who would rather go to jail than let their partner leave a relationship. Then you have some police officers that would rather blame the victim for everything that's going on and not enforce court documents saying that the abuser can't be in contact with her.

It's not that simple. It really, really isn't. If it was I wouldn't have had to attend a funeral in March for a former client who's abuser finally caught up with her. She had a protection order. She was only outside of shelter because she was visiting family at a birthday party. Don't tell me it's that simple...please. It's an insult to her memory and the survivors I work with.

It's not that simple! Just isnt. I have spent time in a shelter myself and I know it is NOT that simple. Lots of guilt over taking the kids away and self esteme issues going round and around in arguments and misery....life is too short to be a " Nice Girl" I now have my "big girl panties" on ....if I had the funding I would start my own shelter.​

 

[chickened]

Something to consider when treating women that come from abusive situations is to not let them go from one extreme of being a doormat to the other extreme of being calloused and cold and hating all men, it is unfair to a good man and only hurts the future opportunity to enter another better relationship. I have seen this happen a lot.

 

[Dunkopf]

Quote:
You know Ed. You're right on that one. i have read many postings on here where we all get lumped into the same category as a=holes just because we are men. I'm not an abusive person and my wife considers herself fortunate to have met me. I consider myself to be fortunate to have met her. We are truly soul mates and we work hard at keeping our relationship sound. I feel bad for women that have been soured on men because of one or more bad situations.

I hope any woman that has had a bad experience or a few will give guys a second chance. Some of us are good people. I'll do just about anything to make my SP happy. All you have to do is look at all these stupid animals we have everywhere. I do like the goats though. the bull is cool too but when he grows up I'm worried he might be dangerous.

 

[redhen]

Quote:
while I see what you are saying, sometimes abuse starts out subtle then builds, the abused becomes isolated an afraid and by the time he or she realizes something is bad it is very difficult to leave.

once the person realizes the situation most of them do eventually leave (at least now a days. it use to be very few to no resources were available to abuse victims)

leaving an abuser is often the most dangerous time and this is when many of the victims who will be killed are killed because the abuser is desperate to re-assert control over the victim.

What's more, society doesn't make it easy for a woman to leave a situation like that. Most religions mark the man a the head of the home and that you have to honor what he says and does. So there's that. FYI: I'm not blaming religion for DV, I'm just saying that this can play a factor. Then there's such a stigma on divorce and on being a single parent, even if it is happening more and more everyday.

Most of these women (and even men) have been psychologically beaten down to where they think that this is what they deserve. They can do no better. They will ultimately fail and mess up their children even more if they leave. That's what the abusers program them to believe.

It is statistically proven that it takes a person an average of 5 to 7 attempts to leave a domestic violence relationship. It ISN'T because he/she likes it. It ISN'T because he/she deserves it. It's for many, many reasons...some of the ones I've described and then many others. We as a society should make it easier and reach out to these people who are suffering and let them know that NO ONE deserves that.

The bottom line is that you are an adult and have choices. Sadly the children dont have the choices that the adults have.
Choose to stay... ooh well. Stop whining about it. Really, i'm sick to death of hearing about it. Put your big girl panties on..and take responsibility for your OWN life.
Just my opinion. We are entitled to our own opinions on this matter.

 

[redhen]

Quote:
Yep..and i get to live with those messed up kids. Breaks your heart when you see how it REALLY affects these kids first hand in every day life.
Thats why i say those arent mothers if they ALLOW their children to endure it. I'm sorry, its somethng that i feel very strongly about.
Again, just my opinion.
And yes, the cycle DOES usually continue.

 

[punk-a-doodle]

I guess I just really don't understand your views on this, and have not found that the judgement passed on people in this situation make matters better, but that understanding why it happens and gearing programs or offering help that works can. I have some family who would be very hurt that people don't consider their mother to be a mother (had an abusive past, not surprisingly stayed for a while in an abusive relationship), and they are a very close, content group after she received help. Family who thought they were 'helping' during the time she was with her husband were not helping, both by offering money for her to run away (completely misunderstood the control of the husband...guess who used that money?), or by judging (did not help her or the kids).

I really hope that now that the children are in a safe environment (you foster/adopt?) that they will get the help they need to grow up into adults who know both compassion and how to maintain boundaries for themselves. It's definitely a life long struggle.

 

[chickened]

I think one difference is that children cannot always get out of abusive situations but as an adult you have a choice and there is never a time that you do not have that choice once someone has entered a shelter. Women have stood up and defeated abusive husbands (Loraina Bobbitt sound familiar) that is another alternative to a abusive situation. Not all women are feeble or emotionally inept but I assume the ones you deal with are and for that I do understand your feelings on the matter and justly so.

 

[punk-a-doodle]

It's not that simple! Just isnt. I have spent time in a shelter myself and I know it is NOT that simple. Lots of guilt over taking the kids away and self esteme issues going round and around in arguments and misery....life is too short to be a " Nice Girl" I now have my "big girl panties" on ....if I had the funding I would start my own shelter.

I'm so, so glad you got yourself and your kids out of there and have a new take on life.

 

[redhen]

@ Punk-a- doodle..: My views are simple. If you are an adult woman and are in an abusive relationship. Then thats really YOUR choice and business. Not mine... not yours, not anybodys.
If you ask for help, i will go above and beyond to help you... each and EVERY time you ask for help.
But i also respect your choice to stay and live that way, if you so CHOOSE to, because you are an adult. But really, STOP whining about it. Its a life that you have DECIDED to stay in.

BUT if you have children, you had better get it together and QUICK because your children ARE being damaged. Whether you want to admit it or not. Dont make your children suffer because of your issues. And yes, people that STAY in an abusive relationship DO have issues. Sorry, but its true.
And if i know that you have children and are living with an abusive spouse, i WILL call and report you to DCF to try to get those kids some protection.