Nice Girl syndrome... so true

[chickened]

I figured that one out I think shelters andwhat you do is a calling from God I really do I could not do that work I am too... well lets just say I would suck at it. There are extremes in all cases but you must admit what I described happens alot long before you get a crack at them.
Quote:

What about those that don't have alcohol or drug problems but their abusers are psychopaths? I really wish I could share the stories of the women I work with at the shelter because they are some HARDWORKING individuals who have had to give up everything their children and them have ever known. They are making it work! Can they leave shelter right now? Heck no! Their abusers are trying to find them. We've had some near misses that cause all of the shelter workers to panic. Police reports have been filed and their abusers are still out on the streets.
Check out the NCADV's website. National Coalition Against Domestic Violence If it weren't a problem, then this wouldn't be necessary.
This is a real sore point with me.

 

[WickedNerd]

Quote:
What about those that don't have alcohol or drug problems but their abusers are psychopaths? I really wish I could share the stories of the women I work with at the shelter because they are some HARDWORKING individuals who have had to give up everything their children and them have ever known. They are making it work! Can they leave shelter right now? Heck no! Their abusers are trying to find them. We've had some near misses that cause all of the shelter workers to panic. Police reports have been filed and their abusers are still out on the streets.
Check out the NCADV's website. National Coalition Against Domestic Violence If it weren't a problem, then this wouldn't be necessary.
This is a real sore point with me.


Yes, there have been some survivors of DV who have gone to drugs or alcohol to cope with the abuse. I won't deny that because it would be foolish not to. However, even if they have used before and are doing so when they come into shelter, I have to believe that they are doing the very best they can with what life has handed them.
Some of the women, men, and children that come through this office door have seen more and had to deal with more than any of the people I've ever known. They've had to survive with what has been handed them. Not all of them were lucky to be born into a good family; in fact, most of them grew up with abuse so this is the world they've always known. They think that it's supposed to be this way because no one has showed them better. Many of the crisis calls I conduct are from people that will never make it to this door.
I don't know if I'm doing the work of God and I don't think I'm better in this department than anyone else. I've just seen both sides of this fence, and I have to tell you, it truly stinks on this side. I ask that anyone who encounters a situation where someone is being beat down verbally, physically, whatever...hold your judgements. If you haven't been in it, you don't know what this person is going through and if you have you still might have little idea of it. Instead, offer a hand. Give them the NCADV's number or the number to your state's hotline. Call 911 if you see it escalating into a potentially dangerous situation.
I hate attending funerals for the victims who couldn't escape, even without our help. I've had to do it twice and I've only worked with this agency for 3 years. It. truly. sucks.

 

[welsummerchicks]

The abuser-abused relationship is a very complex one and does not yield nicely to simple observations like 'Why doncher leave if he's a hittin' yer?'

The abuser does what they call 'groom' his victim. Basically removes all possibility of the victim leaving by conditioning them psychologically - it's basically like brain washing, which is very effective and very hard to break.

 

[chickened]

I forgot but a couple guys worked my former BIL over for hitting my sister and that helped alot also. A bit barbaric but very effective and no school needed.

 

[dainerra]

eeerrghh deleted my post.

I would love to be a stay-at-home mom. The people defending "nice girls" aren't talking about the women mentioned in the article.

The "nice girl syndrome" is the woman who was raised to never say know. She is sick with the flu, throwing up barely to stand, but someone from the PTA calls and says "hey can you do the car pool tonight?" and she goes. Not because she wants to, but because she was raised to NEVER say no. The nice girl has her plate over-flowing with volunteering, charities, and work. She doesn't have the time or the energy, they might not even be causes that she is interested in. But a friend or a co-worker asked her to do something and she can't say no.

People take advantage of her. The know that she won't say no, so they just pile on more work. They know that she will give up HER passions and wants to do the grunt work that no one else wants to do.

These are the women that the article is talking about; the ones who need to learn to stand up for themselves and to put themselves first.

 

[KristyHall]

Quote:
my mother once pointed out that people feel bad and support the veterans who are prisoners of war, men who are trained to withstand the abuse and brain washing, when they are abused and brain washed into submission.

But many of these same people think that women and children who have had no such training can easily walk away without any mental affects.

 

[Junkmanme]

Quote:

Dude, I really wish you could spend a day at my job and tell me that...If that were true then my life would be so much easier and I'd sleep better at night.

There are abusers who would rather go to jail than let their partner leave a relationship. Then you have some police officers that would rather blame the victim for everything that's going on and not enforce court documents saying that the abuser can't be in contact with her.

It's not that simple. It really, really isn't. If it was I wouldn't have had to attend a funeral in March for a former client who's abuser finally caught up with her. She had a protection order. She was only outside of shelter because she was visiting family at a birthday party. Don't tell me it's that simple...please. It's an insult to her memory and the survivors I work with.

For the record, I am NOT a "Dude". See link: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Dude
Please refrain from calling people "names"...particularly when you don't know the person at all.

IF the work you do tends to derive you of health-giving sleep, perhaps you should consider a different type of work.

I didn't INSULT anyone. Your own perception did all the insulting. (except for your calling me a "Dude".)

-Junkmanme-

 

[KristyHall]

Quote:
Dude, I really wish you could spend a day at my job and tell me that...If that were true then my life would be so much easier and I'd sleep better at night.

There are abusers who would rather go to jail than let their partner leave a relationship. Then you have some police officers that would rather blame the victim for everything that's going on and not enforce court documents saying that the abuser can't be in contact with her.

It's not that simple. It really, really isn't. If it was I wouldn't have had to attend a funeral in March for a former client who's abuser finally caught up with her. She had a protection order. She was only outside of shelter because she was visiting family at a birthday party. Don't tell me it's that simple...please. It's an insult to her memory and the survivors I work with.

For the record, I am NOT a "Dude". See link: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Dude
Please refrain from calling people "names"...particularly when you don't know the person at all.

IF the work you do tends to derive you of health-giving sleep, perhaps you should consider a different type of work.

I didn't INSULT anyone. Your own perception did all the insulting. (except for your calling me a "Dude".)

-Junkmanme-

wow...

 

[WickedNerd]

Quote:
Dude, I really wish you could spend a day at my job and tell me that...If that were true then my life would be so much easier and I'd sleep better at night.

There are abusers who would rather go to jail than let their partner leave a relationship. Then you have some police officers that would rather blame the victim for everything that's going on and not enforce court documents saying that the abuser can't be in contact with her.

It's not that simple. It really, really isn't. If it was I wouldn't have had to attend a funeral in March for a former client who's abuser finally caught up with her. She had a protection order. She was only outside of shelter because she was visiting family at a birthday party. Don't tell me it's that simple...please. It's an insult to her memory and the survivors I work with.

For the record, I am NOT a "Dude". See link: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Dude
Please refrain from calling people "names"...particularly when you don't know the person at all.

IF the work you do tends to derive you of health-giving sleep, perhaps you should consider a different type of work.

I didn't INSULT anyone. Your own perception did all the insulting. (except for your calling me a "Dude".)

-Junkmanme-

I was speaking to Chickened. I wasn't talking to you, Junkmanme, hence why I pulled it from HIS post.

I didn't say you insulted anyone.

And you really need to read it all the way through. I say that calling the solution to DV easy was an insult to the people in it.

 

[punk-a-doodle]

Dainerra, yes, that can definitely be a manifestation of being taught to never say no, and probably the most common one. It can extend much farther that PTA meetings in certain environments. The root is sometimes similar or the same though, and can extend to men too. It just doesn't as commonly within our culture.