Great conversation.
Debi, and for anyone else out there reading this, I'll tell you how my path diverged.
I was sorta raised Christian when I was younger, as in my Father took me to church all the time when I was with him (fire and brimstone sorts), and when I was with my Mother, I went to church with whatever neighbor would take me (Christian Science, Morman, Baptist, Presbyterian...). I loved Sunday school and Jesus. Jesus loves all the children... you know? My childhood sucked. It wasn't filled with the horrors that I have seen inflicted on children as I grew older, but at the same time it wasn't conducive to growing up in a manner where one felt loved, secure, and well rounded. I became a ward of the state at around 12 and stayed their ward till I finally ran away at 16. In and out of foster care, rehab centers, juvenile hall and group homes... spending a lot of time on the streets of Chicago with gang bangers, pimps, and junkies... that's how I was raised.
I hitchhiked from Illinois to California and met my first husband around the junction of I-5 and I-10.
What's the point of this information?
Those things that shaped me into the woman I was becoming, had nothing to do with me. They were not my fault. It was just the life handed to me. The years that followed, I wasn't a good person. I made awful decisions based on the skill set I had...
I felt so much guilt and pain. I went to church. I was a sinner. On my knees I confessed all my sins to God, I wept and believed that he would save me, yet I continued a destructive path and felt more guilt and more pain.
One morning I watched the sunrise over the Puget Sound, and I had a profound realization. Gazing at this beauty, it occurred to me that no one else saw this sunrise the way I did. No one else could see it through my eyes, from my perspective. All I had to do was open my eyes, and see the gifts the universe provided. And this is when I finally found peace. My life still had it's dramas and crisis playing out, but I could stop anytime, and listen and hear birdsong, or waves beating against the seawall, or see the mountains, or touch a leaf or a stone... I could experience these things not as an outsider, but as a piece of the whole. I could breathe it into me and stop scurrying around like an ant under a magnifying glass.
I did not need to feel guilt for being the way I was created. That's right, I believe I was created chaotic, and that it is only by connecting myself to the natural world, that I can connect to the spiritual. Why would someone have to beg for forgiveness for being the way one was created in order to have spiritual grace? And that is when my path diverged from "straight" Christianity. I think Jesus understood this. I was the woman running through the streets, and I was also the crowd chasing her. Jesus taught me that it is wrong to throw stones at others, just as it was wrong to throw them at myself.
Gah, I'm over thinking this, and started rambling when I tried to put into words to describe the shift in my. What I've written is not succinct, I do not seem to have sentences needed to convey what is in my heart.
About the big-bang versus creationism. I don't know. I've stopped worrying about it because it has nothing to do with right now... as far as I can see.
I don't begrudge another's belief system. I marvel and delight in the happiness of others, no matter how they come by it. I'm a curious individual and love to hear about the paths others have chosen.
I'm debating on whether to hit the submit button....
Okay, I waited an hour, gonna hit submit.
