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Henny - you are experiencing normal grief over the loss of your mother's independence, her failing mental health and the relationship with your mother that you used to enjoy.
The Bible tells us we are to respect our parents and I don't think that doing the best we can to find a place that will provide for their needs is in any way disrespectful. I also don't think God wants us to ruin our own health in order to take care of others, including our parents.
I cannot begin to imagine how difficult it would be to put a parent into a long term care facility, but I remember how difficult it was for me to acknowlege, more than 10 years ago, that I could no longer provide the level of care at home that my husband's uncle needed. The uncle's health had gradually declined during the first 15 years of our marriage, but like the frog in the hot water, I couldn't see that the time had come for me to step back and acknowlege how sleep deprived I was and how it was affecting me in a negative way. It wasn't until he was moved into the nursing home and seemed to actually like it, that I could look back and see what a physical and mental strain I had been under.
Everyone copes with grief in different ways. You have apparently chosen to deal with it yourself, in the privacy of your home, without the love and support of your church family. That is alright. But, I think you will find that your church family loves you dearly and will cry and grieve along with you, if you will just allow them to help you through this very difficult time in your life. You will likely also be surprised by how many of them have had to deal with similar circumstances and understand your pain.
Thank you P&Bs...What you said really struck a chord....I do realize that I have been stretched to the limit for about 4 years...It is just so different... and I feel bad for feeling better... it's all such a jumbled up mess in my head...I have had her with us for eleven years and I guess it's normal too just feel odd....
