OMG. I could KICK my FIL.

[punk-a-doodle]

It's your equipment from the sounds of it, therefore you lay down the rules. Takes it out on mom? He's manipulating all of you, and abusing his hold over each one of you. So make him mad...on a weekend when you have already taken MIL out to town or a road trip. Sounds like she could use distance and a heart to heart at any rate. If this was a temporary situation, that would be one thing. But, this is a long-term situation that has been going on for a long time. For all you guys know, such a bitter and insecure old man may have some surprises already waiting in his will (ie. none of you are on it), so I wouldn't personally hold out for that either if that is factoring in at all.

Sounds like your husband and BIL are good at farming and working together. From the sound of it, they would do well working up to working on their own land.

Whatever you guys decide, I hope it smooths out for everyone involved. So sorry that you have to deal with such a negative and controlling presence in your lives.

 

[caspernc]

It's a different world than most people know. I'm there and understand. I stood up to FIL in the first two weeks of marrage to DH. Well it didn't go over well but I basicly told him we could go else were and do it on our own, and we would shorty as soon as we sold all the equipment and we could do repairs (which is what we do now) (FNL works for us now

) I did it at the most perfect time and blind sided him! NO ONE talked to him like that! I told him he raised a smart son and I hoped I didn't find him in a ditch cause I would walk on by! ( I would have NOT done that, but I meant it at the moment). Sorry I can't give advice. We just had an opening and took it. 23 years later and we are still scratching it out.

 

[sourland]

Well folks, just understand that one day you too will be old. How do you want to be treated at that time? Relegated to the sofa? I think not.

Many years ago my father told me that only a fool enters into business ventues with a friend or relative.

 

[punk-a-doodle]

Well folks, just understand that one day you too will be old. How do you want to be treated at that time? Relegated to the sofa? I think not.

Sounds like he isn't being forced on the sofa...but that he doesn't mind breaking (and not paying for) other people's property. I don't think this is so much an issue of age, as it is one of control. My least favorite family dynamic. XD​

 

[sourland]

Quote:
Sounds like he isn't being forced on the sofa...but that he doesn't mind breaking (and not paying for) other people's property. I don't think this is so much an issue of age, as it is one of control. My least favorite family dynamic. XD

Interpretation.

 

[gale65]

Thanks everyone. I was just venting-it's pretty much out of my hands. DH knows how I feel but he ultimately has to do it on his own. As for going into business with family, it's pretty common in farming. DH's brother likes to help but he works full time (and then some) at the landfill so he can only help on his time off. He doesn't want to farm (BIL doesn't, that is) full time. His other brother lives in Kentucky-he was here because of FIL's stroke and helped while he was here, but normally has his own job and life down there.

FIL would definitely not be relegated to the sofa. He raises cattle and has a good size herd to take care of, including cows that have calves on a regular basis. He also does lots of other things around the farm that keep him busy enough. But he shouldn't be around all the dust that is stirred up during harvest and I can't even imagine how he'd cope with cutting beans. Hopefully he won't be helping by the time the beans are ready.

 

[Sonoran Silkies]

Quote:
Sounds like he isn't being forced on the sofa...but that he doesn't mind breaking (and not paying for) other people's property. I don't think this is so much an issue of age, as it is one of control. My least favorite family dynamic. XD

Interpretation.

It's both. You need to find a way to remove FIL from the equation in a manner that does not shatter his self esteem. Tell him the equipment needs to be worked on (it DOES), and that y'all will have to take a break. Send him to one of the older sons to visit while the machine is being repaired. Make sure to both repair it and finish the job while he is gone. Find valuable work that NEEDS to be done and ask him to be responsible. Also, ask him to consider how it will affect his wife if he has another stroke or heart attack and dies. He needs to comprehend how his actions affect those he loves.

http://www.barnesandnoble.com/w/how-to-care-for-aging-parents-virginia-morris/1102006334 is an excellent resource although not specific to the OP's case.

 

[mikensara]

my fil passed away 4 years ago he had parkinsons can you imagine him driving and he wouldnt stop and lose his independance we got many phone calls he had many fender benders thankfully he never had a serious accident or killed anyone. I started taking different routes i was terrified he would hit my car he would wave at you and drift well over the yellow line. anyway my point is when you do something you love ie your father in law always enjoyed farming he was compasionate about what he did for a living its hard to let go. and sadly its unfortunate he takes it out on his wife but shes his rock his best friend they have spent many years together. just be there for her when you can to take her shopping or take her out for lunch she sounds like she needs someone to be compasionate and be there for her as well.

 

[sourland]

Quote:
Trust me, I full well understand farming and family partnership. My father and grandfather farmed together. Dad also worked a full time job - times were tough. My grandfather's name was on the deed. He sold the farm, gave my father his share, and they never spoke again. My father did not go to his father's funeral. The Scottish can be an unforgiving people.

 

[Avalon1984]

Could you maybe arrange for him to do other chores that do not directly impact the quantity of your harvest? If he does cattle on the side, is there maybe some chore that he can take more responsibility of regardless of how fast it gets done? Then you could say that he is so “busy” with the other chores that he cannot help with the corn harvest? I know my dad gets like that and I just divert his attention to other things he could do which may not cause damage to my property