prayer warriors (following Jesus Christ, everyone welcome)

[Cynthia12]

(For we walk by faith, not by sight.........2 Corinthians 5:7

 

[kikiruru]

thank you Lord

 

[EggSighted4Life]

Hi folks. It's been a while since I posted on this thread but I do think of you all often and lift you up in prayer.

I have an issue I need some Godly advice with! I hope some of you will use your wisdom to help share his words with and direct my path...

So my son is 27 years old. His name is Marc. We raised him very authoritative style (push ups with a 50# bag of dog food on the back or planking for hours on end) and bible thumping since we didn't know any better. Made him eat anchovy soup. It made my son very bitter and I understand that it takes time to heal. My husband has been his dad since he was 4 years old.

Fast forward Marc moved out on his 18th birthday. Since then, we have done everything we can to support him. Helping out with car issues, minding our own business, having BBQ's, not talking about drama, and finding things of common interest to focus on the good. My husband and I BOTH acknowledge where we went wrong earlier. And we are in our own different stages of still healing and growing into who God wants us to be. My son, I'm sure is somewhat angry at God. He won't full on admit (right now) that God is... well, I don't know. Our most recent conversation he said Jesus is awesome but all the stories of the old testament are just too hard to believe. He also said yes, there is too much order to believe that creation was random. And that religious people are a number one deterrent against believing.

Anyways, it's my husband that goes out of his way to make sure my son and his girlfriend know they are cared about... in his way... which means doing things for them, taking them to dinners and brunches even without me, and yes buying them (stupid) gifts of alcohol. My husband goes overboard on EVERYTHING he does. A few years back... we bought them a house! Which they do pay $600/month to cover our loan and insurance but will be handed to them eventually when they aren't so young that I have to worry about it being foreclosed over a petty tax bill that wasn't paid (I've been young before).

Long story short... my son didn't even so much as call or text to tell my husband happy birthday or happy father's day. He does make sure to at least call but usually bring some small dessert for my birthday and mother's day. They invited me to a bonfire and provided all the goodies on Mother's day. But I don't blame my husband for being hurt and offended. We all have step daddy issues, my husband resent his step dad to this day for being a money miser... but a little courtesy can go a long way.

Yes, my husband isn't perfect. My son is especially angered that my husband (who works nights and just got off of a mandatory overtime that meant he had worked 16 hours) had to holler out the bedroom door for us to keep it down twice the other day. Puh lease! My husband was in the right even if he wasn't friendly about it and slammed the door. He is the one who has gone to work everyday for the past 25+ years to provide for us. My son thinks husband should have been able to control himself and not had a little outburst at his age.

To me... the disregard is intentional and meant as big F you. I don't blame my husband for being hurt AND wanting to react. He does everything with the hopes that people will appreciate it. He doesn't comprehend the idea of doing something because of how it makes you feel without some SORT of expectation. When we bought the house I did it for us, to know my son (who hasn't worked in many years and only recent started doing odd jobs, with someone I connected him to) would have a place to live and not have to worry about it. Yes the house was a foreclosure and in a state of disrepair... but the kids will barely even mow the yard once per year before 4th of July. And they NEVER really do anything for us... unless I pay. Yes, I want to do everything as unto the Lord... but it's hard to keep doing kind hoping maturity will bring a thought of someone other than themselves.

I don't want to start a fight. I feel like cutting off and never having contact again... just like the rest of my (loser) family... would cause less turmoil. I know it hurts, but I suffer the consequences of my husband feeling abandoned due to someone else's ongoing actions or inaction. Oh ya, they are willing to show up and eat for free or go on field trips and other adventures. But not willing to help do ANYTHING... without something in return. This is my side... my son may have a whole other story to tell. I want to be stead fast and a true example of God. Not someone living by their "feelings", but someone who KNOWS LOVE.

I'm a little fed up though.

Thank you for words of wisdom, both from those who have raised kids and those who might be the kid resenting a parent!

 

[Cynthia12]

This is a very sensitive subject. I'm sorry you are going through this. I don't feel like I should give the all out explanation of how I feel personally, only that I will say, it's time to.. let..go.. a bit. Not only for your sake, but his too. Found this article. Hope it helps. And of course, pray. Always praying for our kids. Good luck to you all.
How much to help a struggling adult child? The answer sparks a heated debate!
Posted Mar 26, 2017


I have posted several times over the years on the topic of how much parents should help their struggling adult child. According to the latest census data, more than half of adults aged 18 to 24 live with their parents. About 13 percent of those ages 24 to 35 also do, the highest percentage ever recorded by the Census. Let's be clear that in many cases, adult children living with their parents may be working hard, or doing well in college or grad school, or saving up money to rent an apartment or purchase a home

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At the same time, the many overly dependent adult children who seemed stalled out with little motivation can be emotionally and financially draining on their parents. Common among this population, and consistent with the myriad of comments from my readers to this topic, are often substance misuse, depression, low self-esteem, and social anxiety.

The comments from readers on this subject have frequently included personal and emotional accounts of frustration, anger, and despair from the adult parenting trenches. I have observed commenters of my posts respond with hostility to one other due to the polarizing effect this topic seems to produce. That is, parents of struggling adult children tend to go all or nothing in looking at their situation: Either the struggling adult child needs to be let sink or swim or the parents are okay nurturing the struggling adult along. The answers are not always so black or white.

Below are three guiding signs, however, that you may be enabling your adult child.

Three Red Flags That You Enabling Your Adult Child?

1.Your adult child does not take life on--but you do! You are shouldering his or her debt, taking on a second job, or taking on additional responsibilities while your adult son or daughter is caught up in inertia, being seemingly endlessly non-productive. You and your spouse or other family members feel strain created by the excessive neediness from this overly dependent adult child.

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2.Your adult child "borrows" money from you because she or he can't maintain solid or consistent employment. He says he intends to pay you back but that never happens. Yes, it is okay to help adult children out financially at times, as long as you are not being exploited in doing so.

3. You're resigned to disrespect. You think that because your adult child has "problems" that lets him or her off the hook from showing heartfelt respect. You may notice that he or she seems respectful when wanting something from you. Your adult child, however, turns on a dime or gets passive-aggressive if you refuse the request. You feel worn down and accept this emotional chaos as normal.

Encouraging Your Adult Child to be More Independent

Try not to be adversarial as you encourage your child to become more independent. The goal is to be supportive and understanding with a collaborative mindset. Be calm, firm, and non-controlling in your demeanor as you express these guiding expectations below to motivate your adult child toward healthy independence:

1. Agree on a time limit on how long children can remain at home.

2. While living with you, encourage working children to contribute part of their pay for room and board. If unemployed, for starters, have them help out around the house with gardening, cleaning, or other chores.

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3. Don't indiscriminately give money. Providing spending money should be contingent on children’s efforts toward independence.

4. Develop a response that you can offer in the event that you are caught off guard. Agree that you won’t give an answer for certain time period whether it be the next morning or at least for 24 hours. For example, the next time you get an urgent call that says, “I need money,” respond by saying, “I’ll have to talk it over with your father (or, if you are single, “I’ll have to think it over”) and we’ll get back to you tomorrow.” This will allow you time to consider it and give you a chance to think and talk about it beforehand. It will also show that you are remaining steady in your course while presenting a united front.

5. Remember that you always have the right to say, “I changed my mind” about a previous promise.

6. Set limits on how much time you spend helping your child resolve crises. Encourage the child to problem-solve by asking, "What are your ideas?”

7. Remember you are not in a popularity contest. Be prepared for your child to reject you. He or she will most likely come around later.

 

[kikiruru]

thank you Lord

 

[trudyg]

I'm not wise by any means, but we decided that we need to put our marriage first. Certainly, when the kids are small, you do what they need, etc, but they'll grow up and leave and you'll still be a couple--you want to at least like each other! Other than that, you do the right thing regardless. If you need to apologize then do, if you need to step back from the stress then do it--you don't owe anyone a reason for what you do as long as you know you're right with God. And pray. I've seen prayer work wonders in ways I wouldn't have imagined. It's a wonderful thing when your loved ones turn around--read about Franklin Graham. I'll pray for you and yours.

 

[kikiruru]

thank you Jesus

 

[kikiruru]

thank you Lord

 

[kikiruru]

thank you Jesus

 

[Cynthia12]

Love these guys, what scripture does this remind you of?