It's not at all unusual for couples to both get depressed when one of them has several chronic health problems.
Most likely, his depression, eating, stroke and back problems ARE all related and I have no doubt his weight and sedentariness aggravates his back problem.
Depression quite often follows strokes - not just the 'oh gee I had a stroke' kind of feeling, but actually - the injury to the brain due to the stroke actually MAKES depression- good old biochemical depression.
I'm going to put to rest the 'I don't help someone unless they've already tried to help themselves'. If a person has a broken leg, do you expect them to jog on it before they get a cast? Will that make the leg better? If a person has a heart attack on the street, do you say, 'get up and jog a couple laps and then I'll drive you to the hospital'?
Depression is a paralyzer. It MAKES people not help themselves, that's what the disease DOES to people. You wanna change things, you're gonna be 'gettin' under and pushin' up' for a while. BUT HERE'S THE REAL TRICK - You NEVER want to go too far with that or over do it - and a social worker can show you what you SHOULD do and what you SHOULDN'T do - but lemme tell ya, the 'helpful advice' you often get is - it's wrong. It's just ineffective and all it will do is make things 'worse for longer', and this is a disease that you DO NOT want to go any further for any longer (I'll tell ya about 'kindling' sometime). It's time to raise hell and get him outta that hole in the ground.
TALK TO AN EXPERT. GET YOUR MARCHING ORDERS FROM THEM - and please look for someone better than who's been dealing with him so far, because what's been going on is a CRIME.
And frankly, a good many people with depression, don't look terribly sad and people don't feel awfully sorry for them because they simply seem to be - not trying. As my friend said to my family member, 'I'm SORRY but you just do not exactly look tragic'. We're given a bad deck of cards, frankly. No one ever teaches us about depression. Most of what we know about it we get from the movies. And the movies has got it wrong.
Depression is not always some gifted poet, greeting the moonrise with tears and his head in his hands and the poem half written. Depression makes people do DUMB things - think in totally unproductive and sometimes irrational ways, harm themselves, be lazy, inert....not exactly a lot of unfinished poetry going on. And it's a grinding seemingly endless pain in the rear to live with someone with it! There I said it!
Here's what happens. They simply lose their energy and sit down and stop doing things. Sometimes, with some people, that's ALL YOU SEE. Just - they ain't doin' nothin' to help themselves. These are called 'vegetative symptoms' - patterns of eating, energy and activity change and there is a big loss of motivation and drive. We had a family member like that and I recall very, very well how it felt to be doing all my chores as well as hers. 'Get UP! DO SOMETHING! At least TRY!' I swear to heaven it was the most exasperating thing in the world. And she seemed to be capable of doing some things- things she wanted to do....
Sometimes this is referred to as 'dysthymia'. It's something our old family doctor called 'the slog alongs'. There is no real obvious appearance of depression per se; some people have no idea they're depressed, some describe a feeling of numbness or blankness. The person just seems to infuriatingly DO NOTHING.
And the carbohydrate hunger that goes along with it - yep the pounds get packed on.
There are some who say this vegetative side of depression could mean that depression is sort of a 'hibernation gone wrong'. That's darn close to what it looks like - the person just does very little and is...well I remember how much it drove me crazy to be doing her chores and mine.
The trouble is of course that the very disease itself makes them - not do anything about the DISEASE too. Try not to get too frustrated with him, that's the only real advice I can offer. It's kind of a 'get under and push up', and the pronouncements of 'you can't help someone who won't help himself'.....welllllllll......The rules with depression are basically, the disease makes them depressed, and the disease makes them not do anything about it, and the disease makes them...sicker.
You don't, actually, have to put up with any more of this than you can 'stand'. If you want to get out, get out, and don't worry about 'his mom killed herself and so will he'. It doesn't necessarily work that way. Depression and suicidality don't always occur together. Some people just 'slog along' forever, never clearly getting better and well - some don't even really seem to get worse. Suicidality is not a GIVEN. You should be on the lookout, because frankly, the biochemistry department, not the person, is in control. He doesn't have any real choice about 'I think I'll be suicidal today - or not'. YOu just watch out for it like you watch out for complications of heart disease.
Quite frankly, people with depression do better if someone can stick by them - the statistics bear that out. They need someone to push them along, and it's a pretty long hard slog for the person pushing them along, too. That's just how it is. That is this disease. Not a choice - a disease.
But even though that's true, we never ACT like it's a 'oh I'm out of control and I can do nothing about it'. We push, hard, we keep pushing, and we keep making sure those little baby steps get taken every day. Take the medicine, stand up, walk, do the exercise, stretching for the back, posture stuff, eat the salad, brush the teeth, pick up the stuff at the store.
Sometimes it helps an awful lot if a social worker is involved. They're not as frazzled and disgusted and tired - they get to go home at the end of the day and there isn't a sick person there waiting for them! So lean on 'em a little, ask 'em what to do and get your tasks divided up into little steps and manageable chunks. They can also tell you what to do and what not to do.
We reach down, with all the strength we have, we make this herculean effort to yank them out of the pit they've gotten themselves into, and then we start pushing them along...and then we back off a little and see how badly they totter along on their own two feet, we catch 'em before they fall entirely, and then push again...let go....let 'em try to stand on their own two feet. It's like teaching a two hundred pound baby to walk!
And you don't get a lot of thank you's, my dear, at least not at the start! There's nothin' worse than a sick man! I don't know if you saw the Onion news about ManColds. LOL. You get a lot of 'leave me alone''s and 'Don't nag me!' So you talk to the social worker, you say, 'is he ready to fly on his own a little, can I step back?', and they most always say, 'you bet' and you're scared, but you do it, and another little step forward is made.
And one day, you're not the helper any more. He comes up to you, and he says, 'Let me help you with that' or he says, 'Tell me how you feel', and then you know that you have your man back. He's out of the pit, and you pulled him up.
AND....Give yourself a free pass to be pi**ed off, lonely, angry and wanting to just GET OUT OF THERE and go out with your friends and not think about him for a couple hours! When you give yourself the freedom to feel and think and be frustrated, when you give yourself permission to laugh, to make a joke, you'll lighten your burden. And it's a HE** of a lot easier to carry it that way.
We all need sometime, to say, 'God, I've got a big problem. It's bigger than me. I need help. I need someone to dry MY tears, and ask how I'M feeling today. I need someone to tell me what to do. I need someone to take the load off my back, just a little bit'.
You are going to find better ways to deal with him in this process. Experts can teach you these things that no one ever teaches us. YOU are going to change and grow. People are a team, and they function as a team, and as he gets better, you're going to see your life change in unexpected and wonderful ways.
Give yourself permission to make mistakes, and don't convince yourself he's a delicate little flower that's going to break if you put a toe wrong. RELAX....Let God help, let the experts help, let the medication help him (he's been grotesquely under treated for long enough, what's happened to him is a crime, and that's not your fault).
Go out with your friends, go out for a drive, look at gardens and houses and farms and go window shopping. Plan your dream farm. Your dream chicken coop. Grab a cook book and plan an all local-produce feast with fresh veggies and herbs. Learn a new language. What would you do if you had a million dollars? Have some fun - dream, relax, treat yourself good. Come here and vent if you need to and folks - please understand how FRUSTRATING it is to deal with a family problem like this and just LET THE LADY VENT so she can keep putting one foot in front of the other. She's going to be alright. I'm amazed at what she's done so far - she's not your usual type person.
I am also amazed at your husband. If someone told him to see a neurosurgeon, he really is in a lot of pain, that is like THE LAST thing a doctor ever will say is go see a neurosurgeon. A stroke can cause depression, or worsen it. It can make it harder for people to evaluate and take action. Having health problems can make a person feel trapped and helpless. When someone turns to food for comfort and can't seem to lose weight that just adds to the helpless feeling. When a person gets dug in that far it's hard to crawl out.
He's a good man. He's found ways to comfort himself, he's asked for help, even if he's stumbled a little in getting it. He's survived having a mentally ill mother and a tragedy in his family. He sounds like a good person to me. I LOVED the story of him getting out on that bike. NO - he should NOT be riding a bike with the back problem he has - but HE DID IT - JUST TO HELP YOU FEEL LESS FRUSTRATED.
And the PVC's - I have them, and let me tell you they are scary. No, most people aren't willing to change their eating habits - that's normal. Oh and men ALWAYS want to discuss things with a guy friend before they do it. LOL....that's them.
You have to learn to let him have a lot of dignity even though he has these problems and you're frustrated. YOu have to let him kind of steer the boat a little or he's not going to want to paddle at all. No matter how sick anyone ever gets, they never ever, should have their dignity taken away from them. You have to make them feel like they can take control by treating them like they are a person who can be in control. Like for example, at one job, we always called everyone by their last name, Mr. Smith. Mr. Jones. At another job, we called everyone names like Jimmy and Billy. Once there, a patient told the nurse, "you call me Billy like I'm a baby. I'm 85. I have alzheimers. That doesn't make me a baby, I'm a grown -*** man".
No matter what, a person has to feel like a person. No matter how sick they get, no matter how far down they've sunk, no matter how badly they seem to be handling it.
Sure he's frustrating, but he sounds like he wants to survive and he sounds like a good guy. He's worth helping. The only question is, can you adjust, from being the helper to being the person who stands back and smiles with pleasure and says, 'he is doing this himself'.
I wish you the best of luck.
