Mom of two kids with depression, I don't know why your boy was crying, whether it was normal sadness or frustration, or under-treated depression. But I know you'll be there for him and keep advocating for him. Frankly yours is the kind of story I read and think, 'now THERE is a good mom'. We are always all learning, the people who are sick, those who try to help them. I make mistakes, everyone does, don't sit and regret them. We don't want them dwelling on failures, so we shouldn't either.
It is SO hard to know what to do and what not to do! But that's why the experts are there to help us!!!!!!!
I'm going to say something Fros, maybe just think about it a little bit. And here it is:
I never, ever, EVER tell ANYONE that I feel sorry for them. EVER. No matter how bad off they are. If they are in the hospital in frikkin RESTRAINTS I don't say that.
I might say, 'Well of course you're in the hospital, you had a relapse! That happens sometime. So what, we'll get through this', or 'Of course you're upset! Anyone would in this situation!' or 'Well of course you feel tired, but we got something we can do about that'.
There's a blog about one fellow who said when he got bipolar disorder, he WAS in the hospital in restraints(he was taking swings at everyone). His mom came marching in like General Robert E. Lee, sat down by his bed, grabbed his hand and held it in a vicelike grip and said, "***WE*** ARE GOING TO GET THROUGH THIS'. He NEVER forgot it. No matter how sick he got, no matter how he didn't respond to this med or that, no matter what went wrong, he ALWAYS had this idea, this little idea in his mind, that WE were going to get through this. WE. That's important.
Here's an example from one of my favorite books (Coping with Schizophrenia) - a young woman would hallucinate a lot between the time she got home from her day program and when the family got home (that's common). Her chore was setting the table. She went up to her mother and said, 'I feel awful, I am hallucinating all over the place', Mom said, 'You don't think that will get you out of setting the table, do you?' Now I suppose that table wasn't perfectly set given it was being done through all that. BUT IT WAS SET! So there you go, maybe it was a little bumpy, maybe not perfect, but you did it! So hallelujia! That's just one more of those little steps along the road to saying, 'Depression go to he**!'
Now everyone's different. What's appropriate to push on for one isn't for another. Another story in the book was about the woman who wanted hubby to cut the lawn. Well that drove him into meltdown status. He would be trying like mad to keep the mower straight and with how the illness affected his vision he just could not. He was too sick for that. They decided he could do something else. NO, NOT sit in a chair like a helpless baby, do something appropriate.
One of my folks came up to me once totally hysterical, and said, 'There was a woman on the bus shooting bullets at me with her eyes!!!' He was on medication but still had some breakthrough symptoms(because he had abused drugs and alcohol for years - that can damage a mentally ill person's brain very severely).
So number one, no point in arguing that bullets don't come out of eyes. And if you think about it, well, isn't he really just saying the woman was staring at him and making him feel uncomfortable? Isn't that really what's going on there? Except that dear old schizophrenia doesn't let him just be uncomfortable, it adds a little something of its own to make the situation totally unbearable (yes it sucks).
I said, 'Now hold on there. You mean to tell me you were experiencing that, and you STAYED ON THE BUS???? YOU STILL WENT TO THE STORE AND GOT YOUR GROCERIES? THEN YOU RODE THE BUS BACK HOME????? Man! That is real cojones!!'
That guy was walking around busting his buttons all day, he said to several people, 'I was scared, but no, I didn't get off the bus, I stayed on'. When he left I heard him mutter under his breath, 'AND I DIDN'T EVEN GET OFF THE BUS'.
The key was he FORGOT about what his illness was doing to him because he was so proud of what he did!!! He just had that one little moment where he said, 'I will manage this illness, it will not manage me!'
In another situation my friend told me her son wanted his own apartment. They were so scared to death to do it, they were afraid he'd burn the thing down. Well it hasn't been all beer and skittles, but he has his own place, no it's not the neatest place in the world! But he is learning to be an adult and having his own place makes him feel like more of a whole person.
No, that's not the solution for everyone. Some folks I know need assisted living, some are better in a group home, some need a full care residential setting, and some folks, well, they just do better at home...heck, others I worked with are leading teaching programs at hospitals, being commercial artists, everyone is different. Some people just get sicker than others - just like some people are partly deaf and others are more deaf. It isn't a choice. That disease started before they were even born. They aren't weak or bad, you aren't weak or bad, it just - it happened. So now let's beat the he** out of it and live life to the fullest we can.
I know we'd have my SO's brother here today, if he hadn't died of hodgkin's disease. He'd be 70, and he'd be going from his bedroom to the tv, mostly, and on walks when we nudged him along, and living a very quiet, very limited life. But that's what worked for him. Everyone's different.
That's what we have to do. We can't snap our fingers and make that illness disappear. And it isn't our faults it's there, and it isn't THEIR fault, either. Most of the mentally ill people I've met are very, very tough and they deal with a lot and they fight and struggle every day, some of them to do the simplest things.
But what we can do and what we must do is show them that they can minimize how much impact it has. They can still be a person with dignity and self respect. Sure, my friend may not be able to be an air traffic controller, but maybe he can hold a door open for a lady, or maybe he can say to another sick person, 'Try not to think about it' or maybe he can do SOMETHING. WHAT? Well that depends on their illnesss. It has to be reasonable expectation or you just cause them more shame of failure. But I tell you they can very often do an awful lot more than we think they can!!!
