Relationship Advice.

[clairabean]

Sometimes the ideas and memories are what we stay in love with. We forget all the realities in past relationships- the arguments, the stress.... the burping and farting. We remember the hugs, the kisses, the love, the warm feelings. The more you romaticize the past, the more the present feels lacking.

I can not tell you what to do. But I can tell you straight up you need to make a decision. Either work on loving this new man, or stop and cut ties. He deserves the whole you, not the half you, while half is still in love with your past.

 

[Avalon1984]

I have been dealing with immigrations extensively and everybody will tell you that it is best to go with an attorney for all the paperwork. between the application fees (upward $1000), the whole paperwork and the lawer I have spend well over 5k and I am not even at the citizen stage. Immigrations is far more complex these days than just coming over and getting married.

 

[ChicknThief]

Quote:
^This. You aren't being fair to yourself, or to your current boyfriend by staying. You need time to heal and move on, and you won't do that when you are still rebounding onto someone else dear. Be single for a while. It takes time to remember who you really are after ending a long term relationship. You will never forget your ex. Why should you? He shared a wonderful part of your life for you. After a while, the loving feelings will go away, and be replaced with fold remembrances-but nothing more. You will heal dear. And I truly believe that you will find your someone. And when that happens, you will know it. Good luck hon

 

[zzGypsy]

Quote:
great advice here.... this is spot on.

your ex is not as perfect as your longing for him would make him seem.

your current man deserves a woman who really loves him, not just as a friend. he may take second best (although he shouldn't) but it won't lead to a satisfying relationship that can take everything life dishes out. think about what happens when that day comes, as it did for you and the man you *really* loved, where you're grouchy and you both snap. if you couldn't survive that with *real* love, how will you survive it with this?

if you can't love him all-out, let him find someone who can.

you need to let go of the ex if you're going to have a real relationship. once you do that, you might find your current man *is* the right one, or you might find he's not, but at the moment you're not free to love him, your heart's occupied. wise or not, that's the situation.

if you're still hanging on to your ex and can't let go, AND if he's still the same way about you, sell your car and your furniture, get a visa, buy a ticket and go find out. just put enough away for a return trip if it doesn't work the way you dream it will.

one more thing to consider... there is sometimes a great appeal to the unobtainable. in a way it may be safer to give your whole heart to a man half a world away than to give it to the one you see every day... because you don't have to live in daily life with him. either way, you are not taking the risks of living daily life with someone who has the power to break your heart. maybe you're just not ready to take that risk for real yet, maybe your heart needs to grow up a bit more first.

anyway, that's the view from the been-there section of the bleachers...

because where you're at is not an easy place to be.

 

[redhen]

Quote:
You broke up for many reasons...I can guarantee if you were to rekindle with your ex-and actually live together-there would be trouble. You never lived with him..You only heard and saw the best-that's all you had time for...there is bad in everyone in every relationship-it's up to the couples to either accept the bad and continue a relationship ( whether you are married or not) You still LOVE your ex because maybe there wasn't enough existence with eachother to see things in a normal light...You are now with someone you see daily-live life with etc...If you are still in love with your ex - do yourself a favor and your fiance and leave. Allow him the repsect to be with a woman who will love him to pieces and no one else...let another woman have romantic feelings for him ( the way he deserves to have them) and vice versa-I cannot imagine how he feels right now knowing you don't have those feelings for him and knows you are still in love with another man...There's nothing wrong with you hunny...you just need to live life longer to experience things. Let him go-you'll realize what you've lost after you've lost it-your not doing him any favors at this point Go live with your ex -seriously..see if you can make it as a couple-put your fears to the side and go with your gut...it will either be awesome and meant to be or a eye opener that you made a mistake..It's life-live and learn-there are no gurantees-ever!

Ditto!! Great advice!

 

[ChicksterJo]

I know how long distance relationships can be very stressful. At times you think, Is it worth it? or How long will I have to wait until we're "settled"? (at least able to see each other when you want). Don't go living with your "what-ifs." If you are not truly emotionally invested in your current relationship then you might think about ending it until you know what you want. Do you want to pursue a relationship with your ex fiance, maybe try to live together for a year and see how you like each other's company (ALL THE TIME!). Then consider getting married. I can't tell you what to do, ultimately, but I'd suggest that you don't get married to somebody you haven't lived with yet. If it's not against your culture or religion then that is my biggest piece of advice. Be fair to your current partner, and be fair to yourself.

 

[CherryChick]

First off I want to say thank you for everyone who has replied to my post. There are many helpful feedback here.
I do wonder since we werent' together all the time since the distance that maybe that is why my feelings are so strong. We had a great time when we were together it was for a least a month that we would stay. My current boyfriend is the most amazing understanding man I've ever met. He understands where im coming from especially breaking up with his fiancee before we got to together and is willing to give me time to myself and seperate so I can "find myself and my true feelings"

 

[swift4me]

There is a great Patsy Cline song that is about your situation.

I must make up my mind today
What to have, what to hold
A poor man's roses
Or a rich man's gold

One's as wealthy as a king in a palace
Tho' he's callous and cold
He may learn to give his heart for love
Instead of buyin' it with gold

Then the poor man's roses
And the thrill when we kiss
Will be memories of paradise
That I'll never miss

And yet the hand that brings the rose tonight
Is the hand I will hold
For the rose of love means more to me
More than any rich man's gold


Good luck,

Pete

 

[Ahava]

First, NEVER lower your standards. Second, using someone else as balm for a broken heart never ends well. Break off this new relationship if you're not really into it. You need to heal, get to know yourself, and live your own fabulous life.

Someone else said to take time to be single, and I wholeheartedly agree. Obsessing over a man (or a woman) is not healthy. Get out and do things that are just for you, things that do not include romantic relationships. The best way to heal is to learn what makes you happy to be you, so that when a new relationship blossoms you're already a whole person and can give all of yourself.

Try being exclusively single for a year. If, after that time, someone new comes along, don't commit for at least six months. You deserve the time.

 

[sonew123]

Quote:
Aw hunny..a month is nothing..seriously..It may seem like being together for a month straight is amazing, great, and full of laughter/love but it's not reality. Now Im not saying the ex isn't a great guy or anything but the man your with now seems so sweet and kind. I'll tell you this from my owm personal experience. A long time a go DH and split up..we were getting divorced...I started dating a guy who I fell madly in love with-madly...( I had known him or thought I knew him for 2+ years prior as a friend) It was awesome-my stomach hurt from laughing so much, my cheeks hurt from smiling, my heart hurt from missing him when we couldn't be together ( the days when I had my girls he was not allowed over and my children never knew of him-I wasnt ready for that and neither were they in my opinion) We dated for 10 months? Then reality hit...My blinders slowly came off and seeing him in his true light made things come to a screeching halt. He was ignorant, selfish, shady, impatient, and downright mean. When he became comfortable with me..that's when the real him came into existance. I dumped him asap-no looking back-no regrets...What Im saying is that if you were to live with your ex for 6-9 months straight-youd see him in a totally differently light. People can only "fake it to impress" for so long and then BOOM-the real people emerge. Now, I just happened to have gotten involved with a loser

BUT your ex might be different-your gaga feelings might remain and be even stronger after living with him for 6-9 months straight or only reassure you that you had made the right decision long ago to break up! Like I said before..It's life -you have to live it first before you make such massive decisions in your life. You are at an age where you need to go out and live your life for you right now-settling is not an option-ever.

tell me this..Are you still in contact with your ex?