So.... Do you think someone that does this has problems ?????

[zzGypsy]

m.kitchengirl :

I have dealt with this for the last 9 years.
She is a sad case, and that is all there is to it. I can't tell others how she is because it is something one must see to believe and I am not going to add to her troubles by announcing her issues to our mutual friends.
People who have normal friends and healthy friendships can't understand how destructive these kinds of people can be. Even I didn't get it and let things drag on for a lot longer than I should because, on the surface of it, of course your friends should share your interests and be able to participate in your life, right? She has shown me a lot about boundaries and my tendency to placate people and avoid conflict. I tend to be "nice" to people, which is not always the same as being good to them. It is something she has helped me recognize and work on, and my relationships are healthier for it. Unfortunately, until she gets help, we will never have a healthy relationship. She is, at this time, incapable of doing so.
I am honestly unsure there is help to be had, and looking back through our lives see she was always this way, except now she is better at it.
Good luck to you. You have to keep telling yourself that you did the right thing by ending the friendship and not get sucked into feeling like you abandoned her.

That sounds like classic borderline personality behavior. It sounds like you've found a managable, if not comfortable, way of dealing with her. If you are interested, you might want to do some reading on borderline, it may provide you with some additional strategies for managing your relationship and keeping it in more workable territory. Borderline is a tough, tough problem to solve, and 20 years ago it was considered essentially untreatable (that is, no therapy or drug improved the behavior and ability to function), but in the last perhaps 6 or 7 years, some therapies show the promise of improved function and behavior. it takes someone with experience in treating this particular issue, it is outside the experience and skills of most therapists. of course, that would require her to have an interest in solving the problem, and means to afford the therapy.

anyway, I encourage you to do some reading on borderline, it helped me to manage my friendship with someone like this better, provided some insight, some strtegies, some alternate behaviors on *my* part that let me deal with the situation more successfully, and with fewer eggshells.

my hat is off to you, sounds like you've managed to hold a resonable line, and be as gracious as it's possible to be under the circumstances.​

 

[m.kitchengirl]

Thanks, I try to approach her with compassion.
I saw the book you recommended and am going to search for it on Amazon.

I just wanted the O.P. to know that this is a real problem, and not minimize it or feel like they are making more of it than it may be.
When I would try to talk to other people about the problems they would often act like this was normal "friend" behavior & I was being overly protective of my self.
Only those of us who have gone through it know how destructive these friendships can be. It wiggles its fingers into every part of your life.
I am intrigued by this book. I allowed the behavior to affect me for too long and it has opened my eyes to how much work I need to do on my relationships so I can guard myself against these types of patterns in future.

 

[hennyannie]

I think I have a really good idea what type of person you are talking about here.
I have a good friend who is also friends with my cousin, they are closer in a way than we are. I noticed that no matter what my cousin got into my friend did too.Examples: Horses, showing, boer goats, mud racing and the list goes on. I at first thought that cousin was talking them into this stuff, but later it was said "If we bought home wart hogs they would go get some." I finally said something to the friend about it and she claimed that her husband was the copy cat and had to have everything they had. I had a real hard time giing him credit for it when I saw her buying things for the kids to "keep up w/the other family". I finally got so sick of this that I spent no time with either party. IT makes me very sad.

 

[zzGypsy]

people have various levels of social and friendship skills... on one end, you have someone like a PP mentioned that just didn't have any training, and when coached, was able to use the info and adapt. and on the other end you have folks who are massively disabled by things like borderline personality disorder. those folks are "crazy-making"... that is, they make others around them feel as if *they* are the crazy one. that's often exacerbated by the fact that 3rd party and periferal friends can't see the extrordinary level of manipulation that goes on, or how far the 'sane' friend is bending to try to make the friendship healthy and workable. well meaning 3rd parties often tell the 'sane' friend it's thier issue, their insecurity, their lack of patience or generosity that is the problem. it's all part of the "crazy-making" mess, and can make it very hard to get your perspective healthy on the matter.

the sad thing is that folks with this issue are capable of behaving in ways that makes them look like true friends, and we can develop attachments and affections for them that cause us not to act in our own best interest, or in the interest of a healthy relationship. the other sad thing is because this is on a continuom of behavior, and not well recognized, and difficult to treat, often folks who could benefit from help dont' get it.

I have several friends who clearly fall into this category, I do not let their interactions rule my life in any way, lest i be drawn into their crazy world. I have figured out how to measure my interaction with them, and set boundaries that, while they don't like them, are effective. they sometimes declare me cold and uncaring as a result... I am not fooled into being manipulated by that. these relationships are not ideal, but we've found a functioning stasis that is as healthy as I think it's possible to be, under the circumstances. perhaps because of this strong equilibrium I am sometimes able to offer them insights they can use. I do not ever think it will heal them. none of them are currently interested in seeking help. I suspect one of them might be, one day, the others never will.

do I sound like a magnet for these folks? used to be, my particular issues plugged nicely into theirs. not a magnet any more, but boy did it take a lot of work to learn my part in it and learn to do it differently. borderline is crazy-making for those around it, I decided I didn't want to be crazy anymore.

in addition to the book I recomended there are a variety of newer works on the subject. I've read half a dozen, and for just trying to get your brain around the dynamics of the issue I think that first one is the best. it was the first of the "lay" books on the subject, i think, and does conclude there's no real help for borderline folks. later books conclude that there is the possibility of help, and propose some protocols.

best strategy I think is to not have these folks in your life if you can help it. If you're going to have to live with this because it's family you don't choose to cut off relationships with, the next best thing is to read read read. you really can't help them change much (unless you're their therapist) but you can become ever more effective at identifying the pitfalls early, and at managing the relationship, and that will make you less anxious, less on eggshells, more comfortable in the part of your life you end up sharing with them. it might never be ideal, but it is something you can find a way to live with, without becoming crazy yourself.

final thought on this: most folks with this sort of issue are relatively benign, they make yo nuts, but they aren't deeply dangerously destructive. a few are... these are the ones movies are made about, but they happen in real life too. they can disrupt your relationships, damage your work reputation, cause real damage in your life. for these, I don't think there's a healthy way to stay engaged at all, folks that damaged shouldn't get to stay and play. finding the line between crazy and dangerous isn't necessarily easy, but its important. I've been luck to only have encountered the crazy-making kind, not the dangerous kind.

best of luck with this.

 

[lockedhearts]

Quote:
See this is exactly where I was and where I see the mutual friend heading quickly with this person. With me it was horses and chickens, and sewing , with the mutual friend it is goats, cows, soap and jewelry making. I think BPD is exactly what is going on here, that makes me feel better as I did second guess my decision and wonder if I was being too harsh. But I do way better without drama in my life too.

 

[darkmatter]

I don’t have this problem; no one wants to emulate a crusty curmudgeon. Try not being so nice and interesting.

 

[zzGypsy]

Quote:

it's a workable solution.

wait... maybe I resemble that remark...

 

[Runt Of The Litter]

lockedhearts,
borderline is definitely a possibility if she is past eighteen,under that-kids/teens are often under peer pressure and may choose to follow the same things as someone they favour likes.

however,in adulthood,this is one of the many signs of borderline PD as mentioned.

if are getting stressed with it,end it-dont be involved in something are not comfortable with.
if its wort sticking with,perhaps ask them if they have any other hobbies they like and offer to try them with her.
be very careful if they start copying other stuff,lying,if they are manipulative or try to use mental blackmail.



apologies for the long waffle am about to post but had had a very similar experience with someone online for years,'she' [one of the many lies he told] had been the first friend had ever had,and 'she' felt so alike in every way which had never felt with any human,same likes/dislikes,same disability issues,same family issues,same everything- 'she' often asked what medications she shoud try,what seizures were like,what padded helmets she shoud look at,had not realised they had been copying entire life and using it online to get attention.

was abused by him with his multiple accounts,and he woud pretend to support against it with another account,using the multi accounting to wear down with nasty messages,was deliberately drove into severe depression and suicidal attempts by him.

had eventualy developed pyschosis as a result of all this and was officialy sectionable at one point last year if it wasnt for already living in a secure residential,have found him on every major forum of all the topics am into,used to think hey-he really must be like minded but it got to the point where he seems to be on just about every topic going.
he also has multiple accounts on them and attempts to manipulate communities.
he makes up absolutely everything about disabilities,dramas and family tragedies,to gain attention-the only one have ever been sure about him having is borderline PD.

-family and the national autistic society [used to be under them for care and day centre funding] had been trying to put pressure on getting the police involved,and the same with the other service am [still] supported under- social services/learning disability services....its gotten to the point again where
the autistic organisation am supported under now have found out and are getting the police in about this; as they said it is classed as grooming of a vulnerable adult and he coud be doing it to many others,as well as children.

it is similar though on a different level to just copying interests,but people shoud be better aware of whom they be friends with-offline or online.


and a true borderliner is very,very difficult to cope with,a lot of folks are misdiagnosed with it when they are actualy suffering from other conditions such as bipolar.
borderline PD is mostly a mix of the person wrongly learning inaceptable thinking and behaviors as coping tools,sometimes but not always bad past experiences contribute to it,and apparently there is thought to be some genetic markers for it which make some people more prone to developing borderline though have no idea how solid that proof is.
-it is not a condition which can be treated by medication as it is a way of thinking/belief which has become deeply etched into their mind over time,as opposed to chemical differences,neurological or genetic faults,and some people with it try to excuse nasty behavior to others as being unable to change,saying that borderline is untreatable,its only untreatable if the person with it refuses to accept these as issues.

 

[magicpigeon]

I've met people like this too. Usually they're a little socially uhm, deficient and aren't really sure how to make friends as such....


I suppose that's the only way they know how

 

[hennyannie]

Quote:
See this is exactly where I was and where I see the mutual friend heading quickly with this person. With me it was horses and chickens, and sewing , with the mutual friend it is goats, cows, soap and jewelry making. I think BPD is exactly what is going on here, that makes me feel better as I did second guess my decision and wonder if I was being too harsh. But I do way better without drama in my life too.

Was wondering if the person doing this also is the one friend type: Meaning does she seem to be so absorbed with this one friend that she can't seem to have other friends too? Seems like these folks tend to move on to a new person when the friend realizes whats up like you did.