Some Short Ones.

Wife: I have a bag full of used clothing I'd like to donate.
Husband: Why not just throw it in the trash, it's a lot easier?
Wife: Because there are poor starving people who can use these clothes.
Husband: Anyone who fits in to your clothes isn't starving.
 
Just heard a bloke playing Dancing Queen on a didgeridoo, I thought that's Abbariginal.

Just found out my new toaster isn't waterproof... I was shocked.

I took my wife to a freak show yesterday, but they weren't hiring.

Today I saw a midget prisoner climbing down a wall, as he turned and sneered at me I thought... 'That's a little condescending.

Someone's having a BBQ 1760 yards away, you can smell it a mile off.

I just saw a digital radio going cheap as it's stuck on full volume... You can't turn that down.

I Googled "Missing medieval servant"
Everything was going fine until it came back with "Page not found".

I told my wife she was drawing her eyebrows too high.
She looked surprised.

More to follow...
 
There was a report in the papers today saying people aren't spending as much as they use to.
I don't buy it myself.

My dog only responds to commands in Spanish.
He's Espanyol.

A team of eminent research scientists have grown human vocal cords in a Petri dish.
The results speak for themselves...

I wrote a book on penguins.
With hindsight, I realise that paper would have been easier.

I've been diagnosed with a severe case of flatulence. I won't be suffering in silence though.

I used to be a perfectionist, but now I don't give a dman.

My wife said she would like to know what it's like to be me.
So I made her listen to a scratched CD.

More to follow...
 
The perks of working in a keyboard factory - Extra shifts.

I forgot to go to the gym this morning. That’s ten years in a row.

Someone threw a lump of cheese at me the other day.
I looked at it and thought “That’s not very mature.”

A friend sent me a card saying “Get Bell Soon”.
He means well.

I told my new yoga teacher I was an expert. He asked me to show the class an advanced pose.
That put me in a difficult position.

A friend of mine got a job as a judge for a mime talent contest. It’s the quiet ones you’ve got to watch.

A friend bought me a cheap thesaurus. I couldn’t find the words to thank him.

Even tho I'm bald, I still have the same comb for 40 years, I just can't part with it.

More to follow...
 
I tried to catch some fog earlier, and mist.

A cartoonist was found dead in his home. Details are sketchy.

Every time I go out lately, some bird with long legs starts following me... I think I'm being storked.

When I find that Surgeon that messed my hand transplants up, I`m gonna kill him with my Bear hands.

Our local school has become an academy, it's sponsored by IKEA.
Standards may be fine, but assembly takes ages.

My girlfriend dumped me, she said I was obsessed with football, shame really as we had been together for 3 seasons.

Ban pre-shredded cheese... Make Britain grate again.

Bilbo Baggins of the Shire died in bed last night after an overdose of Viagra, I guess old Hobbits die hard.

I just got a new job as an auctioneer, I have a lot to offer.

The other day for a laugh, I held a coconut shell up to my ear... and heard the sound of a one legged horse standing still.

I just got a letter in the post offering me a heavy duty protective metal vest for half the normal price.
I ignored it, I hate chain mail.

I was up in the attic recently, and found my granddad’s old wig weaving machine.
It's a family hair loom.


More to follow...
 
I called the RSPCA today and said, "I've just found a suitcase in the woods containing a fox and four cubs."
"That's terrible," she replied. "Are they moving?"
"I'm not sure, to be honest," I said, "But that would explain the suitcase."

I was walking through an arts and crafts shop when I saw a sign saying, "Glue Sticks."
Well duh.

I think my eyesight may be going.....I keep running into pubs.

Once had a car that uphill would not go past 20 which was a devil because I lived at 68.

The inventor of the organic vegetable-based coffin has died, may he rest in peas.

I'm thinking of starting a club for insomniacs.
Is anyone else up for it?

When I get home late from the pub... I expect I'll have to give my wife a right good listening to.

I'd love to live in an disused lighthouse.
Nothing too flashy.

More to follow...
 
I've had a bad day today... First, my wife said she was leaving me... Now she isn't.

My mate's Grandad , a coach driver , died peacefully in his sleep , mind you his 42 passengers were screaming their heads off.

I got really close to winning the World's Most Congested Nose competition today.
But I blew it at the last minute.

I bought my one year old grandson a table lamp for his birthday, the wife said he was too young for one but you should of seen his little face light up when I turned it on.

As I pulled down my trousers and pants to show him my willy; I asked "So, Doctor, do you think this is normal?"
"No!! most people wouldn't do that in the supermarket."

I doubt that I use more than one rubber band a month.
Even that's stretching it a bit.

On my recent visit to the seaside I spent ages trying to figure out how to use the arcade machine.
And then the penny dropped.


There's always some idiot on Bonfire night who lets a huge banger off at three in the morning, making you wake with a start.
As the wife's about to find out.

I've just found out that my local all-you-can-eat restaurant has got mice.
I've had about 7 but I'm getting a bit full now.


I got sacked from my job as the restaurant manager today after an employee had a accident in one of the electric food mixers.
Apparently I'd failed to do an adequate whisk assessment.

I asked my next door neighbour why he had number thirty four painted on his bin when he lived at number eight.
"It's so the binmen will leave it near my house after they have emptied it" he replied.

Just landed a job as an assistant typist, helping with capital letters.
It's mostly shift work.

More to follow...
 
Paddy died in a fire and was burnt pretty badly. So the morgue needed someone to identify the body. His two best friends, Seamus and Sean, were sent for. Seamus went in and the mortician pulled back the sheet.

Seamus said, "Yup, he's burnt pretty bad. Roll him over." So the mortician rolled him over. Seamus looked and said, "Nope, it ain't Paddy." The mortician thought that was rather strange and then he brought Sean in to identify the body.

Sean took a look at him and said, "Yup, he's burnt real bad, roll him over." The mortician rolled him over and Sean looked down and said, "No, it ain't Paddy."

The mortician asked, "How can you tell?" Sean said, "Well, Paddy had two arseholes." "What? He had two arseholes?" said the mortician.
"Yup, everyone knew he had two arseholes. Every time we went into town, folks would say, 'Here comes Paddy with them two arseholes'.
 

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