Some Short Ones.

[oldrooster]

I was driving down the street one day an ambulance that came out of a driveway swiftly had it's door pop open and out came a cooler and I pulled over and opened it. It contained some severed toes. Do you know what I did next?





I called a tow truck.....

 

[CapricornFarm]

Hugh Blewit gets a job working at the sawmill, after a couple of days he ends up in an accident, he leaned over too far and got his arm cut off.
Luckily the guy working with him, thought quick and put his arm in a plastic bag and they rushed him to hospital.
After a couple of days the guy went to visit Hugh in hospital and was told that Hugh was in Rehab, so he goes to Rehab and there is Hugh playing tennis, 'Wow! the wonders of modern science,' the guy thought.
So a couple of weeks past by and Hugh returns to work in the sawmill, again another accident, Hugh got his leg cut off.
Well you know the rest, they put his leg in a plastic bag and rushed him to hospital. After a couple of days the guy went to visit and was told Hugh was in Rehab.
So he goes to Rehab and there is Hugh playing soccer, the guy thought, 'Wow! The wonders of modern science.'
So after a couple of weeks Hugh returns to work in the sawmill, you guessed, another accident.
This time Hugh got his head cut off, so quick thinking they put his head in a plastic bag and rushed him to hospital.
After a couple of days the guy goes to visit Hugh, but this time he was told they couldn't save him and Hugh had died.
Shocked, the guy asked why after the other times they saved him, the doctor said, "Well we could have only some idiot put his head in a plastic bag and he suffocated!"

 

[Col1948]

I bought my one year old grandson a table lamp for his birthday, the wife said he was too young for one but you should of seen his little face light up when I turned it on.

I doubt that I use more than one rubber band a month.
Even that's stretching it a bit.

On my recent visit to the seaside I spent ages trying to figure out how to use the arcade machine.
And then the penny dropped.

I've created a website selling and delivering sausages over the Internet.
I'll send you the link.

Last night my girlfriend and I played a board game designed for masochists.
It was great, we both ended up getting beaten.

I saw a homeless guy in town shouting about a lot of imprecise, random stuff.
It was a vague-rant.

My wife's constantly making sarcastic comments about my receding hairline.
It's starting to wear a little thin.

I turned to my colleague and asked, "Can you smell burning?"
23 years we've worked together at the crematorium and that joke never gets old.

Just seen an advert in the local paper.
"For Sale: Lego skyscraper, 25 pieces missing. £100 ono"
You couldn't make it up.

Research suggests that washing dishes after a long day helps to relieve stress.
I can't wait to see how chilled out my wife will be after she's done the load I've left for her.

I, for one, love Roman numerals.

I've been asked to take care of the neighbour's cat.
They aren't on holiday, they're just really lazy.

My mate said he was going to become the world's best goalkeeper.
I wouldn't put it past him.

I like to play chess with bald men in the park, although it's hard to find 32 of them.

At long last they're going to be able to explain what happened just before the Big Bang.
Not before time either.

A lorry carrying copies of Roget's Thesaurus crashed on the motorway yesterday, shedding its load across the carriageway.
Onlookers are said to be stunned, bewildered, dumbfounded, astonished, shocked, flabbergasted, startled, speechless and amazed.

More to follow...

 

[Col1948]

My mate needed a bone marrow transplant, it was hard finding a match but eventually we found someone in Argentina.
He's doing fine now. We will forever be in debt to Diego Marrow Donor.

6.30 is the best time on the clock... hands down.
Hands up if you think noon is better.

I learned people don't like to see you pulling your undies out of your bum.
And I need to find other tricks for my magic show.

My wife has been sacked from her job in recycling.
I can't believe she has gone and thrown it all away.

I went to the doctors today and he said I was paranoid...
...Well he didn't actually say it, but I knew what he was thinking!

I've just bought some Dorito swimming trunks.
I'm going for a dip later.

On average most men have sex 3 to 4 times a week except for Eskimos - they're lucky if they have it twice a year.
This news is distressing and came as somewhat of a shock to me as I had no idea I was an Eskimo.

More to follow...

 

[Col1948]

A young man called Chris from London wanted to buy a Christmas present for his new girlfriend. They hadn't been seeing each other for very long and she lived in Scotland. Chris consulted with his sister and decided, after careful consideration, that a pair of good quality gloves would strike the right note... not too romantic and not too personal. Off he went with his sister to Harrods and they selected a dainty pair of fur lined quality leather gloves. His sister bought a pair of sexy knickers for herself at the same time. Harrods had a free gift wrap offer but the assistant mixed up the two items, the sister got the gloves and Chris unknowingly got the knickers. Good old Chris sent off his gift wrapped present in a parcel with the following letter.
Dear Maggie,
I chose these because I've noticed that you are not wearing any when we go out in the evenings. If it had not been for my sister I would have chosen the long ones with buttons, but she wears shorter ones (which are easier to remove). These are a very delicate shade, but the lady I bought them from showed me the pair she had been wearing for the past three weeks and I hardly noticed any marks. I had her try yours on for me and she looked really smart in them even though they were a little bit tight on her. She also said that they rub against her ring which helps keep it clean. In fact she hasn't needed to wash it since she began wearing them.
I wish I was there to put them on for you the first time, as no doubt many other hands will touch them before I have a chance to see you again.
When you take them off remember to blow into them a little bit because they will be naturally a little damp from wearing.
Just imagine how many times my lips will kiss them during the coming year.
I hope you will wear them for me on our next date.
All my love,
Chris
P.S. My mum tells me that the latest style is to wear them folded down with a little bit of fur showing.

 

[Col1948]

My mate got a text from his ex-wife, it read: "Wish you were here."
He text back: "Where are you?"
She replied: "The Cemetery."

 

[Col1948]

Not a short but...
This took place a few years ago when I visited San Francisco, I went in to China Town and was amazed at the different shops, as I was walking along I noticed a Chinese Laundry and the name over the door was Van Olaffsen's Laundry.
I was intrigued by this a peeped in the door, as I did the door opened, I kind of fell in, I was met by a old Chinese man, he looked about 100 years old, I apologised for coming in but I said I was curious about the name over the door, Van Olaffsen, he said, "Yes that is me, I am Van Olaffsen."
He went on to tell me, "Many year ago I cam to America, I was in queue behind a big Swede man in immigration, the lady ask him his name, he say Van Olaffsen, then my turn, the lady ask my name I say Sem Ting."

 

[Col1948]

Someone bought me The Karma Sutra for Xmas, it's put me in an awkward position.

The man next door told me bought 50" Phillips, I never knew they made screwdrivers that big.

I bought a bottle of head lice treatment, but there was no instructions, to be honest it left me scratching my head.

The Spanish man who lives up the road from me keeps getting his car stolen, I feel so sorry for Carlos.

More to follow...

 

[Col1948]

I went to the doctor feeling worried today and said, "Doctor in my dreams one minute I'm a wigwam, the next minute I think I'm a Teepee."
"You need to relax, the problem is your two tents," he replied.

 

[Col1948]

I got to see all of my Grandkids at Xmas... I unplugged the WiFi.

The woman next door was telling me her hands are sore from using the broom, I told her to use the car next time.

I've got really good at sleeping... I can do it with my eyes closed.