Some Short Ones.

[Col1948]

Not short but...

There was a guy who lost his job, he went out one day looking for work, he tried everywhere, factories, building sites and shops, all to no avail.
On his way home he passed the docks, then he thought, 'Why not, worth a try' so he went in. there was a big cargo ship by the dockside and he spotted the Captain just going on board.
He stopped him and asked if there was any work going on the ship, the Captain asked if he had any experience, he said he hadn't, then the Captain turned to go on board.
So then the guy shouted, "I'm a hard worker, I'll do anything, plus I'm honest." The Captain turned round and said, "OK, we sail in 2 hours, if you can get back here by then with your things I'll give you a chance," then the Captain shouted to a deckhand to tell the guy what he needed.
The guy made it back in time and joined the crew of the ship, after a couple of days at sea he and the deckhand were mopping the deck, just then a giant wave washed the guy overboard.
The deckhand went to see the Captain, when he entered the Captain's cabin he said, "You know that new guy you started that said he was honest, well he just pissed off with the mop."

 

[Col1948]

When I lived on a houseboat I was seeing the girl next door, but eventually we drifted apart.

I went to an addicts meeting last night and they sat me next to a fruit machine addict, he kept nudging me all night.

For Sale: Thick layer of dust.
(As seen on TV)

If you had an apple which experiences no net force, then its velocity is constant: the apple is either at rest, or it moves in a straight line with constant speed - Newton's Law.
If you have an apple, a carrot, a cabbage, mayonnaise and mix them all up together, it tastes nice. - Coles Law.

Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday, Friday, Saturday, Sunday.
Those were the days.

If your wife says that she needs a new broom, it's best not to ask if she broke the old one in a crash landing.

Thought for the day: If smoking is bad for you, how comes it cures salmon?

I've just had a medical. The nurse told me that I'm the right height & weight for somebody carrying a piano.


More to follow...

 

[Fields Mountain Farm]

 

[Col1948]

The founder of Ikea has left his vast fortune to his family, no one knows how it will be shared out as he left no instructions.

Glass coffins.
Will they catch on?
Remains to be seen.

My Wife is leaving me because she says I'm obsessed with Astronomy, what Planet is she on?

I said to the baker, "All the rest of your cakes are 50p, so why is that one £1?"
He said "That's Madeira cake".

I thought that pulling the shell off my racing snail would help it move faster.
If anything it became more sluggish.

When I was a kid my dad used to tell me to keep my pocket money in a box under the stairs.
I was fifteen before I found out it was the gas meter!

I bought a 24ct gold necklace the other day, but when I put it on my skin started going a funny blue colour, so I suspected it was fake.
Turns out it was a bracelet.

Who understands Roman Numerals?
Well, I for one.

Put some desks and a blackboard in my living room today.
Looks so much more classy.

They say the best way to make a cup of tea is to agitate the bag.
So I poke the mrs and say put the kettle on fatty.


More to follow...

 

[Fields Mountain Farm]

Oh heavens...

 

[Col1948]

I came home from fishing yesterday and the wife had left a note on the refrigerator: "IT'S NOT WORKING; I can't take it anymore! Gone to stay with my mother."

I opened the fridge, the light came on, and the beer was cold... What the hell is she talking about?

 

[Col1948]

A man, his wife and 2 children were driving down a country lane, all of a sudden a farm tractor with 2 farm hands on it pulls out of a gate from a field.
The man managed to avoid it by swerving off the road, through the bushes and in to the field, narrowly missing a couple of cows then back through the bushes on to the road again.
1 of the farm hands turns to the other and says, "Wow, did you see that, we came out of that field just in time."

 

[Col1948]

After working together for years 4 workmates decided to have a reunion and were discussing where to go for lunch, they agreed to meet at the Dog and Duck pub because the waitresses had stunning figures and wore mini-skirts, afterwards they agreed to have a reunion every ten years.

Ten years later, the guys once again discussed where they should meet for lunch. Finally it was agreed that they would meet at Dog and Duck pub because the waitresses were attractive. The food and service was good and the beer selection was excellent.

Ten years later they again discussed where they should meet for lunch.
Finally it was agreed that they would meet at Dog and Duck pub because there was plenty of parking, they could dine in peace and quiet with no loud music and it was good value for money.

Ten years later they once again discussed where they should meet for lunch.
Finally it was agreed that they would meet at Dog and Duck pub because the restaurant was wheelchair accessible and had a toilet for the disabled.

Ten years later, they decided to have one final reunion and discussed where they should meet for lunch.
Finally it was agreed that they would meet at Dog and Duck pub because they had heard good things about the place and couldn't understand why they had never been there before.

 

[Col1948]

Start preparing for Christmas early... By falling out with friends and family today.

 

[Pork Pie]

Your wife deserves a medal