Some Short Ones.

[Col1948]

Opened the door this morning and someone had left 6 eggs, a pint of milk, 2 bags of flour and a bag of dried fruit.
I don't know what to make of it.

 

[CapricornFarm]

Opened the door this morning and someone had left 6 eggs, a pint of milk, 2 bags of flour and a bag of dried fruit.
I don't know what to make of it.

Fruitcake?

 

[Col1948]

Paddy and Mick were working on a building site, Paddy says to Mick, "I'm going to pretend I'm stressed and the foreman will send me home."
As the foreman was doing his rounds Paddy jumped up to the rafters and started shouting, "I'm a light, I'm a light." The foreman told Paddy to get down and said, "Paddy, you are stressed, go home and relax, come back in a couple of days when you feel better."
Paddy packs his things and heads home, then Mick started packing his tools, the foreman said, "Mick, what are you doing?" Mick replied, "Well I can't work in the dark."

 

[Col1948]

I went into a record shop the other day and said to the chap behind the counter "Have you got anything by The Doors?"
He said "Yeah, a bucket of sand and a fire extinguisher."

My wife bought a shire horse.
And I thought the first one was timid enough.

It was hard getting over my addiction to the Hokey Cokey. But I’ve turned myself around and that’s what it’s all about.

Marriage is all about knowing which hand towels you can use and which ones are for better people who visit you wife's home.

Whenever I have a headache, I take two aspirin and keep away the children.
Just like it says on the bottle.

Never hit a man with glasses.
Hit him with a baseball bat.

My friend has kleptomania.
When it gets bad, he takes something for it.

Alcoholic man seeks similar woman for a drink or two, maybe more.

I thought that my vasectomy would keep my wife from getting pregnant. But apparently it just changes the colour of the baby.

Told my wife I was going to make a car out of spaghetti, she thought I was crazy till I drove pasta.

My granddad was killed by a steam train, he was chuffed to bits.

I tried to redo the kitchen floor using the minimal number of slates, it was a futile effort.

More to follow...

 

[Col1948]

I was just talking to my mate Paddy, his wife got fed up of boiling water every time she made pasta, so Paddy had an idea, he said, "Why don't you boil a gallon of it then freeze it for later."

 

[Col1948]

I'm not saying my wife is fat, but the last time she went on a Ferris wheel the two guys at the top starved to death.

I was feeling guilty about my addiction to self flagellation, but decided not to beat myself up about it.

"I could go on forever".
With men it's a figure of speech.
With women it's just something they do.

I saw a guy admiring the giant gnome I made in my garden. "How long did it take you to make that?" he asked.
"Well, it wasn't built in a day," I said.

I love watching the metal detecting geeks on the land near the army barracks.
It's even more fun now I've removed the 'Danger: land mines' sign.

I've invented a microchip that, inserted into the brain, allows blind people to see.
I'm going to start a franchise selling them.
One day there will be Vision Chip shops everywhere.

Here's a Xmas tip: If you trim your Christmas tree enough it'll make your presents look bigger

I had to take the batteries out of my carbon monoxide alarm.
The loud beeping was giving me a headache and making me feel sick and dizzy.

Last night the master of suspense died.
He...

Got run over by a stretch limo this morning.Took ages.

More to follow...

 

[Col1948]

My girlfriend spends every night in town, going from one pub to another ... And somehow she always friggin' finds me.

If you've got bladder problems... urine trouble.

I think it's pretty cool how the Chinese made a language entirely out of tattoos.

I can count the number of times I've been to Chernobyl on one hand.
It's seven.

I looked at the calendar and thought, "It's been one of those days today."

I'll sell my broken watch when the time is right

My obsession with removing splinters is getting a little bit out of hand.

I've just thrown a plugged in toaster down the toilet.
That was a shock to the cistern.

My son said, "Dad, what's brown and stinks?"
I said, "Just shut up and eat your mother's cooking."

Albino.You can't say fairer than that.


More to follow...

 

[Col1948]

I might be schizophrenic, but at least I have each other.

I've just got a job as a waiter. It doesn't pay very well, but at least I put food on the table.

Went to a Board Game themed Fancy Dress competition, but knew I wasn’t going to win with my incomplete Monopoly themed outfit.
I had no chance.

Wife was having a right moan at me this morning.
"You treat this place like a hotel! In and out at all hours! Go on, get out, don't come back! And leave your key at reception!"

Went to the doctors with a pain in the backside... He recommended I take it to see a divorce lawyer.

My wife never seems to get ill. Even germs don't like her.

I've just deleted all the German contacts from my phone, So I'm now Hans free.

I see the men did well in the coxless fours... oarsome!

Started training for my new job motorbiking on the wall of death this morning. I'm just going round in circles at the moment.

Bad at golf?
Join the club.

I've given up using dating websites. They keep matching me with people that share your interests.
I don't want to go out with a weirdo.

More to follow...

 

[Col1948]

I was shopping in the supermarket today, and there was a weird looking child running around like a lunatic.
I said to the bloke standing next to me, " That is one ugly kid." He looked at me and snarled, " Do you mind, that's my son." I smiled and said, " I'm sorry, I didn't realize you were his dad." He said, " I'm not his dad, I'm his mother"...

Handing over my I.D. at the post office, the clerk blurts out, "You've aged a bit since this photo was taken"...
"You're dead right love!" I replied. "I had it taken just before I joined your queue"...


more to follow...

 

[CapricornFarm]

I read that studies show women who gain weight as they age live longer than men who mention it.