Some Short Ones.

[oldrooster]

Next January 1 everyone on earth will have perfect vision, just wait on New Years day we'll all have 2020!

 

[Col1948]

The wife of the man next door said she only married him because she thought he was brave.
He said "So did all my mates"

 

[Col1948]

Mary Poppins was travelling home, but due to worsening weather, she decided to stop at a hotel for the night.
She approached the receptionist and asked for a room for the night.
"Certainly madam," he replied courteously.
"Is the restaurant open still?" inquired Mary.
"Sorry, no," came the reply, "but room service is available all night.
Would you care to select something from this menu?"
Mary smiled and took the menu and perused it. "Hmm, I would like cauliflower cheese please," said Mary.
"Certainly, madam," he replied.
"And can I have breakfast in bed?" asked Mary politely.
The receptionist nodded and smiled.
"In that case, I would love a couple of poached eggs, please," Mary mused.
After confirming the order, Mary signed in and went up to her room for the night.
The night passed uneventfully and the next morning Mary came down early to check out.
The same guy was still on the desk.
"Morning madam ... sleep well?"
"Yes, thank you," Mary replied.
"Food to your liking?"
"Well, I have to say the cauliflower cheese was exceptional, I don't think I have had better. Shame about the eggs, though, they really weren't that nice at all," replied Mary truthfully.
"Oh, well, perhaps you could contribute these thoughts to our Guest Comments Book. We are always looking to improve our service and would value your opinion." said the receptionist.
"OK, I will, thanks!" replied Mary, who checked out, then scribbled a comment into the book.
Waving, she left to continue her journey.
Curious, the receptionist picked up the book to see the comment Mary had written.

"Supercauliflowercheesebuteggswerequiteatrocious!"

 

[Col1948]

It's a little known fact that during the second world war as the German Enigma machine was being cracked, Alan Turing's sister, Kay, did a great job providing sandwiches, cocktail sausages, drinks and cakes.

 

[Col1948]

Have you been a victim of faulty double glazing?
Could you be entitled to condensation?

The self deprecation society are opening a club in my home town and I've put myself down already.

 

[Col1948]

Jumble Sale Massacre: The greatest number of old ladies to perish whilst fighting at a jumble sale is 98, at a Methodist Church Hall in Castleford, West Yorkshire on February 12th 1991. When the doors opened at 10.00am, the initial scramble to get in cost 16 lives, a further 25 being killed in a crush at the first table. A seven-way skirmish then broke out over a pinafore dress costing 10p which escalated into a full scale melee resulting in another 18 lives being lost. A pitched battle over a headscarf then ensued and quickly spread throughout the hall, claiming 39 old women. The jumble sale raised £5.28 for local boy scouts.

 

[Col1948]

A famous art collector is walking through the city when he notices a mangy cat lapping milk from a saucer in the doorway of a store and he does a double take.

He notices that the saucer is extremely old and very valuable, so he walks casually into the store and offers to buy the cat for two dollars.

The store owner replies, "I'm sorry, but the cat isn't for sale."

The collector says, "Please, I need a hungry cat around the house to catch mice. I'll pay you twenty dollars for that cat."

And the owner says "Sold." And he hands over the cat.

The collector continues, "Hey, for the twenty bucks I wonder if you could throw in that old saucer. The cat's used to it and it'll save me from having to get a dish.".

And the owner says, "Sorry buddy, but that's my lucky saucer. So far this week I've sold sixty-eight cats."

 

[Col1948]

My wife rang me on my mobile today and said, "Where the hell are you?"
"Can you remember that jewelry shop we looked in on Saturday?" I asked. "The one that had those earrings you really liked in the window."
"Yes," she said, in a much more cheerful tone.
"Well, I'm in the pub next door."

 

[Col1948]

My mate said he didn't understand what cloning was.
I said that makes two of us.

 

[Col1948]

My mate's wife asked him what he liked best about her, was it her good looks, her gorgeous figure, what?
He replied, "I like your sense of humour."