Some Short Ones.

[Col1948]

My neighbour just got back from hospital.They think he might have pneumonuolltamicroscopiciscilcovolanacoconitious but at the moment its hard to say.

 

[Col1948]

I just bought a new radio, it said on the box: 'Built in Antenna' I looked in my atlas but I couldn't find it, where the heck is that?

 

[Col1948]

My friend has a rare condition where her face is completely allergic to Max Factor and No.7.
You couldn't make it up.

For my holidays last year, I threw a dart at a map of the world and decided to go to wherever it landed... I had a fantastic two weeks sat next to the skirting board.

I was going to make myself a belt made out of watches... I decided it would be a waist of time.

 

[Col1948]

Dear Mother In Law, please don't tell me how to bring up my children.
I'm living with one of yours and she needs a lot of improvement.

 

[Col1948]

I was chatting to a neighbor yesterday, he was excited because he has just got his big break acting in a play about Neurosurgery.
He said he was a bundle of nerves.

 

[Col1948]

A woman brought a very limp duck into a veterinary surgeon. As she laid her pet on the table, the vet pulled out his stethoscope and listened to the bird's chest.

After a moment or two, the vet shook his head and sadly said, "I'm sorry, your duck, Cuddles, has passed away."

The distressed woman wailed, "Are you sure?"

"Yes, I am sure. Your duck is dead," replied the vet..

"How can you be so sure?" she protested.. "I mean you haven't done any testing on him or anything. He might just be in a coma or something."

The vet rolled his eyes, turned around and left the room. He returned a few minutes later with a black Labrador Retriever. As the duck's owner looked on in amazement, the dog stood on his hind legs, put his front paws on the examination table and sniffed the duck from top to bottom. He then looked up at the vet with sad eyes and shook his head.

The vet patted the dog on the head and took it out of the room. A few minutes later he returned with a cat. The cat jumped on the table and also delicately sniffed the bird from head to foot. The cat sat back on its haunches, shook its head, meowed softly and strolled out of the room.

The vet looked at the woman and said, "I'm sorry, but as I said, this is most definitely, 100% certifiably, a dead duck."

The vet turned to his computer terminal, hit a few keys and produced a bill, which he handed to the woman..

The duck's owner, still in shock, took the bill. "£500!" she cried,"£500 just to tell me my duck is dead!"

The vet shrugged, "I'm sorry. If you had just taken my word for it, the bill would have been £20, but with the Lab Report and the Cat Scan, it's now £500."

 

[Col1948]

We had some very strong winds here in the UK last night, I read in the news a tree got blown over and killed a family, husband, wife and two kids.
A man from the council said, "We had no idea they were living up there."

 

[Col1948]

Last night We ordered a Chinese takeaway from a local place (I won't name them) So went to pick it up and as I was driving home, I heard the bags rustling and moving!
I thought what the hell is that?
Has something got in the bag, I thought I could see a little pair of eyes peering out at me. I was driving so I leaned forward, picked up the bag, put it on the passenger seat and there it was again, more rustling and little eyes looking out behind the prawn crackers, I thought its got to be a rat or a mouse or something, so I carefully pulled the bag down


















And there it was ... ... A Peeking Duck!!!

 

[FlyWheel]

My cousin was into animal husbandry, until they caught him at it one day.

 

[Col1948]

It’s now got to the stage where the wife and I have gone our separate ways and will be spending a considerable time apart for the indefinite future.
She’s shopping for shoes.

The man next door went hang gliding today, he wasn't planning on it, he was hanging out his wife's knickers.

Can't work the Wife out , first she says yes it's fine if I have a Tattoo and now she's moaning about all the Bagpipers in the back garden.

Over 10,000 people have lost their jobs at the Chi-Chong-Xi factory in Peking, famous for its production of Origami-based toys...
The Managing Director has confirmed that the company has folded.