soon to be 19 yr old DD just told me.........UPdate.......post1

[Intheswamp]

Quote:
I agree with you that marriage doesn't guarantee that they will be together forever. Marriage means different things to different folks and is of greater importance to some than it is to others. I am a Christian and the institution of marriage is sacred and holy to me, it signifies to the world that we are committed to one another.

There are good marriages... My parents were married for over 50 years (married at 18 & 21). The last ten years of my mother's life she missed my father terribly as he had preceeded her in death. I've been married to the most wonderful lady in the world for the last 20+ years. My best friend was married for 18 years but is no longer with his wife...the week before Christmas this year I was a pall bearer at his funeral and his wife misses him greatly. An older (WWII vet) friend's wife is in the nursing home and he goes by every day to visit her and be sure she is being taken care of....for the last five years she hasn't even recognized him, but he still goes. There are good marriages, I'm just so sorry that you've had the bad experiences that you've had.

I agree that marriage doesn't guarantee that a couple will stay together till "death do us part"...it is what lives within the hearts of the couple that will make the marriage be a lifelong union...or not. But, that public commitment to one another helps to stengthen the bond...otherwise, it's pretty easy to simply say "your nuts, I'm leaving, gimme my stuff". To introduce a "significant other" as a boyfriend or girlfriend is fine, it just doesn't really seem to carry the same weight of introducing a husband or wife. During life friends will come and they will go, but husbands and wives are few and far between and should deserve more reverence that a camping buddy or tennis partner.

Marriage can be wonderful. It takes love, faith, work, effort, commitment,...

Wishing you and yours all the best,

Ed

 

[Msbear]

Quote:
maybe they can say maybe about anything without a marriage certificate.

It's not just paperwork to me. I am very proud that we took the time to say our "I do's" and that we said them in front of everyone we care about. That means we are certain

Life is complicated enough already. Being married is one less thing. When hubby and I argue, I can't just pack my stuff, get in the car and leave. We have mutual belongings and common interest. These types of issues make it more difficult to call it quits and encourage folks to think long and hard before they say, "I do" and before they say "I don't anymore"

 

[chixie]

Quote:
maybe they can say maybe about anything without a marriage certificate.

It's not just paperwork to me. I am very proud that we took the time to say our "I do's" and that we said them in front of everyone we care about. That means we are certain

I too am proud to be married. I have been for 19 years and wouldn't change it for the world.I take my vows seriously .

 

[Msbear]

At 19 kids seem to want to be adults and think they are. I did. I now realize I was not. Hopefully, she will see the light and this will be just another phase

Mom, you sound like you got it together. Talk with her as much as you can. Let her know you disapprove.

 

[ebwy]

Quote:
maybe they can say maybe about anything without a marriage certificate.

It's not just paperwork to me. I am very proud that we took the time to say our "I do's" and that we said them in front of everyone we care about. That means we are certain

Life is complicated enough already. Being married is one less thing. When hubby and I argue, I can't just pack my stuff, get in the car and leave. We have mutual belongings and common interest. These types of issues make it more difficult to call it quits and encourage folks to think long and hard before they say, "I do" and before they say "I don't anymore"

and that's great - for you. all I'm saying is that not everyone needs to be married to have that level of commitment.
being married doesn't mean more commitment to me. I am just as committed to my man now as I will be after we marry. My ex and I were legally married, didn't stop him kicking me out with nowhere to go because he decided he didn't want to be with me any more.
My fiance and I are getting married because we want to, and because it will mean we are legally each other's next of kin (complicated story I'm not going into) - not because we aren't properly committed to each other.
And yes, life is complicated enough already. And now mine is more complicated due to a divorce (we don't have quick divorces over here, nor "no fault" ones).

 

[Sonoran Silkies]

I have only read bits and peices of this thread, so apologise if I am repeating what has already been said.

At 18, your daughter is not fully mature--brain growth continues into the mid-20s. While she is capable of somewhat mature reasoning (based upon her age), she does not have the life-experience to put things into context. You cannot realistically tell her what to do and expect her to obey, but you can lay out your concerns in a way that she is likely to listen. Ask her to consider the limitations she will be placing on her own life by having a baby now, out of wedlock. What choices will no longer be open to her, or will be much more difficult to achieve: partying, dating, education, career (for starters). Also, what choices will she be limiting for her child: more stable home--both economically and parentally, fewer material advantages, possibly less educational opportunities (based upon lack of $$ for a college fund), etc. Then ask her to explain any disadvantages there are for waiting until she is older to have a child as compared with having one now.

To what extent does she have a realistic understanding of the cost of living: mortgage/rent costs, utilities, groceries, etc. Go over your own family budget with her and let her see how much it costs to maintain a household. Ask her where she is expecting the $$ to come from, and what will happen if they don't. Don't expect to have all of this in one conversation, but as an ongoing series of conversations, where you ask her to consider each of htese things--she doesn't have to report her thoughts and answers back to you (although if she chooses to open that door, it would be nice), but do get her to agree to think about and consider your concerns.

 

[Anianna]

Quote:
I might take this one step further. Take her to the store and have her shop as if she had a baby already. When she puts one package of newborn diapers in the cart, point out she better add more if she wants enough for at least a week. It's one thing to say babies are expensive, but it's completely another thing when you actually have to fork over your last few dollars to diaper and care for one, especially at that age when most girls want to spend their money on more interesting things. If she thinks cloth diapers will save her, get one of those dolls that poops and let her experience just what a commitment that choice will take, including letting her do all of the storage and cleaning. Have her make a price list of big items and, if you don't want her to actually buy those yet, act as a cashier and have her pay you the money that you put into an account for her future children. She should also realize what kind of indirect household finances are involved, such as saving for unexpected expenses like doctor bills and saving money for school supplies and for college.

I wouldn't approach it from a "don't do it" mindset, though. I would approach it from a, "well if you're going to do this no matter what I say, at least let me prepare you for it" sort of attitude. That way, she knows you disapprove, but has to make her own decision based on a better understanding of just what it means to have a baby. Go all the way with it, though. She can't go out and do things because she has to "watch the baby", etc. Make it as complete an experience as possible.

 

[Msbear]

Quote:
maybe they can say maybe about anything without a marriage certificate.

It's not just paperwork to me. I am very proud that we took the time to say our "I do's" and that we said them in front of everyone we care about. That means we are certain

Life is complicated enough already. Being married is one less thing. When hubby and I argue, I can't just pack my stuff, get in the car and leave. We have mutual belongings and common interest. These types of issues make it more difficult to call it quits and encourage folks to think long and hard before they say, "I do" and before they say "I don't anymore"

and that's great - for you. all I'm saying is that not everyone needs to be married to have that level of commitment.
being married doesn't mean more commitment to me. I am just as committed to my man now as I will be after we marry. My ex and I were legally married, didn't stop him kicking me out with nowhere to go because he decided he didn't want to be with me any more.
My fiance and I are getting married because we want to, and because it will mean we are legally each other's next of kin (complicated story I'm not going into) - not because we aren't properly committed to each other.
And yes, life is complicated enough already. And now mine is more complicated due to a divorce (we don't have quick divorces over here, nor "no fault" ones).

Im sorry you had a bad divorce. I wasn't insinuating I have all the answers ...just that someone who is that young, doesn't want to get married but wants a child most likely has their priorities screwed up. Young girls want to have babies so someone will love them... not for someone to love. At that age, it's hard to fathom how much love a baby needs as they are still the baby themself.

Typically, a child born inside of wedlock is going to be a child with a more stable environment. Purposely, bringing a child into the world without a stable environment to offer is selfish and shallow. ..or 19

eta: "I wouldn't approach it from a "don't do it" mindset, though. I would approach it from a, "well if you're going to do this no matter what I say, at least let me prepare you for it" sort of attitude." Right on!

 

[Three Cedars Silkies]

WOW! I agree with the poster that said "At least she came to you before she got pregnant". Are you sure she isn't already pregnant? Hopefully not...but it won't be the end of the world if she is.

I agree with all that have said, "Make the commitment to the baby's father first...if you want the very best for your child"

Also agree with asking both of them to sit down with you and your husband with a tablet of paper and figuring out how much income they have, how much everything is going to costs...and be sure they BOTH understand that you will not be contributing $$ to them. Her SO is probably terrified at the thought of a baby, but he loves her and wants her to be happy, so he's going along. Terrible thing to do, but understandable at the same time.

This is a great opportunity to really have some teachable moments with them. Take the time to pray with them about God's plan for their lives...and the life of their potential child. Even if you aren't terribly "religious", this would be a excellent time to seek wisdom greater than all of yours.

Wishing you all the very best...

 

[Intheswamp]

Quote: