Teen caught Sneaking out Again!

[Patchofheaven]

I'm so angry and I want to vent and maybe get some advice from my chicken friends...

My 15 year old son (turns 16 in Sept) is sneaking out to see his 17 year old girlfriend (who is also our neighbor.) This is the 2nd time I've caught him sneaking out - the first time was about 3 weeks ago. The only reason I found out in the first place, was due to the fact that he left a pair of black jeans on the floor in his room, it had rained during the night and the bottoms of his pants were wet from going through the wet grass. I wasn't being nosey, I was just trying to wake him up to help me with the animals and do his chores. When that happened, I tried to be calm and talk to him about it and after we talked (calmly.) He ended up admitting that they have been sneaking out for months because her parents are so strict and won't let them see each other very often. We informed him that we don't condone this behavior and the next time he is caught sneaking out or breaking any of our rules, that we would call the girlfriend's parents and inform them of the situation.

We feel that her parents have the right to know what's going on with their daughter and our son. We would hope that they would show us the same courtesy...We don't trust our son anymore. We don't want to be a Grandparents at 35. Or worse if they are sneaking around having sex or whatever, what else are they doing...

Before this had all happened, we purchased him some condoms - if we can't stop them, maybe we could prevent pregnancy or STDs. We aren't stupid, we were young too and know all to well how in love teenagers can be and easy something can change their lives forever.

Since we can't trust him, we decided to set a few traps each night (since I've gotten so good at catching coons near my chicken coop.) I placed a piece of clear tape on the door/doorfacing. In the morning if the tape is free from the doorfacing, I know that someone went through the door during the night. This morning the tape was broken - I was so mad, he broke our trust again. I went straight to his room, woke him up and confronted him with this and he denies it again, but he knows he is so busted. I told him that was it and I was going to be making a phone call today to his girlfriend's parents.

We made this initial threat, hoping that this would be enough to make the 2 of them understand that we will not allow this to continue. Telling her parents is the last thing that we want to do - these are 2 really intelligent and good kids otherwise.

Are we making too big of an ordeal out of this, should I call her parents and tell them, What do yall think we should do?

Frustrated mother of hormone controlled teen,
Dana

 

[okiechick57]

OH geesh........you did good with the traps.....kids just think we are cluelss........ I will tell you if it was my daughter I would want you to tell me for sure......... I hope you do call them, maybe call a get together with both kids there after both sets of parents talk...... maybe just stroll over and visit with them.and not say a word, may make both those kids nervous enough to stop...... I hope you get a reasonable response from them. but definately would talk to them about it.... I had daughter do the same thing although she was a bit older .........I now have 2 grandkids ,which mind you, I cherish...... but they were so young !

 

[wegotchickens]

I don't know what to tell you. Trust is such an important thing.

For every well-intentioned parent action there is usally a teenage over-reaction. Perhaps if this girl's parents had been less strict, the situation wouldn't have reached this point.

How well do you know these parents? Do you think they'll be receptive to this news, or harsh?

Side note: You've made me feel slightly better and slightly worse. I caught my 14 year old daughter at the computer at 1:30 this morning, 3 hours after I'd told her lights out. So she got back up after midnight (when I fell asleep), snuck to the basement, fired up the computer and hid the screen under an afghan to hide the glow. I had the mother radar go off and went downstairs and busted her.
I was going to vent here and see if anyone had any input. Because this isn't the first time she's snuck around the house at night, breaking rules. And I may be in your shoes someday if I can't nip this in the bud!

 

[k625]

Good with the boobie traps. Nice thinking. Well.. I am still young...21, and I used to sneak out all of the time when I was "young" doing all sorts of things. My parents only caught me once, and that was it for me. I was petrified. It seemed for a while everything I did got back to my parents some how, one way or another. I def. think you should tell her family. By people telling my parents and of course me getting in trouble made me finally realise it was not worth it. When my parents trusted me all I had to do when I wanted something or wanted to go somewhere was give them a call, but when there was no trust there was no going anywhere, or wasnt even worth the argument to try. I grew out of my what I call " bad or crazy" years. I am a full time college student, and I can honestly say a great kid all around now. With my moms 100% trust. It pays to be good. I hope this helps and maybe with a phone call or two, they will realise its not worth the trouble. Sorry for all of your stress, hope the situation resolves soon!

 

[moonhouse]

I'm a high school teacher. javascript:insert_text('

',%20'');I would agree with the first post, that you should talk to the girl's parents with the kids in a calm solution-oriented way. But that would only be ideal if the parents can stay calm and the girl's parents may not be able to since they are so strict. Walking over and bringing it up non-chalantly may be a good way, maybe with some humor...or maybe inquisitively, "So did you know my son has the hots for your daughter?" If you could open up a discussion by asking a question that would be best. Then you could get information and then slide in that your son has been sneaking out...maybe they think she's spending the night over at a friend's house so from their perspective she had permission to leave ...you never know, but getting the most information from people before they are mad or accusatory is the best way, especially then you could then brainstorm solutions together. If you were to call and state, "My son and your daughter are sneaking out together." There is a certain embarassment on both parents that make them want to be stricter and control the behavior, which will just make it snowball into a bigger deal. But if you converse you may be surprised on what each kid is telling each parent, and you can be smarter.javascript:insert_text('

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[cookinmom]

I have no experience with this particular issue, but I feel your pain! Dr. Laura would tell you to ship him off to military school, but I don't think I could ever do that. I would definitely talk to the girls' parents. Trust me, parents of teenage girls are even more freaked out by this than for teenage boys. (I have one of each). They're often the ones stuck raising the babies! I hope you can find a way to get him to stop. Hugs to you!

PS - there may be a good reason her folks are so strict, i.e., maybe she has some history that's not public.

 

[CoyoteMagic]

Could it be the girls parents are strict for a reason? Such as she's done stuff like this and other things before. Trust me, we girls are no angels!!! I put my parents thru hellooooooooooo!!!

"maybe just stroll over and visit with them.and not say a word, may make both those kids nervous enough to stop"---I like this suggestion. Would scare the heck out of them and then you could have a talk with your son again and tell him next time it wont be just for a friendly chat.

 

[chickflick]

You told your son you would talk to her parents if he snuck out again......now follow thru.. If you are always making threats and not following thru, he is gonna know it and just keep on doing it. So, nip it in the bud....NOW

 

[MissPrissy]

You have to follow through with the line your drew in the sand. He crossed it now you have to talk with the girl's parents. Otherwise he is going to think your threats are just that threats and he hasn't really gotten anything to lose.

I am a believer in tough love. If I say it I mean it. Even if it breaks my heart I have to carry through. Teenagers (as well as younger children) have to learn there is a consequence for their actions -good and bad.

I have gotten my oldest daughter to the ripe old age of 20+ without any real troubles. I drew the line and she was expected to toe it.

I am very sorry you are going through this. Breaking a trust is not easily repaired.

 

[Frozen Feathers]

I'm not a mother of a teen yet, so maybe I my ideals will change once my DD does become one, but I definitely was one and the more my parents held control over me, the more I rebelled. Maybe I was a "bad" kid, but I doubt it. At 16 I spent every chance I had with my boyfriend...I thought I was going to marry him...lol I was wrong on that part. It took me about 2 years to realize I didn't even like him, let alone love him.

I think that it is good that you have at least supplied him with condoms. I think my next conversation would be to make sure he is using them. Ask him, what do you do over there, are you protecting yourself. I think that's the best thing you can do at this point.

Definitely "talk" to her parents. I wouldn't say anything about them sneaking around, but if he thinks that is what you are going to talk about...of course he'll tell her and that will make them nervous.

Maybe you could talk to her parents about letting the kids have some more time together...at places like the movie theater, the mall, public places. I know at this point you may not feel like "rewarding" him for bad behavior, but perhaps some more daytime visits would curb or stop him sneaking out, since he feels that they don't get enough time together.