No poison ivy? That's un-American! lol Imagine the worst itch you've ever had and mutiply that times about 100ish. lol Once upon a time (as told to me) there were some folks working in a tobacco patch when they came up on some poison ivy. A poor city kid was bet some money that he wouldn't eat some of it. Poor guy took the bet and ate some. He broke out with it all over!
Kinda like when we were camping in Tennessee. We had just set up the tent and I had to, well, I ..... oh, YOU figure it out! Anyway, somehow I got into a mess of chiggers. I had chiggers in places nice people don't talk about. By the time we got home (and believe me, we left early!) I
couldn't, well, I....oh, YOU figure it out! So my brilliant husband, who always thinks a little humiliation is good for soul unless it's happening to him, dragged me kicking and screaming to the ER and the Naval Hospital on the base in Millington.
After an, um, exam, the first corpsman shook his head and said, "I really don't know." And he left the room with me and my netherlands still hanging out in the breeze, which felt kinda good at that point, truth be told!
In came a more senior corpsman. "I think I know what it is, but I want a doc to take a look at it." Well, I DON'T, thank you very much! And he left the room. Ken was sitting in the corner snickering. There I lay, unable to grab my clothes and get the heck out of there, itching and blushing and fuming all at the same time.
A third corpsman entered the fray - er - the room. 'I understand you may have a rash and some itching you are concerned about. Let me just take a....."
"GET OUT!"
At last, a real doctor - a full fledged ObGyn - opened the curtain. He looked at me - really looked at me, and then said the stupidest thing anyone could say to a woman who not only had itches and burning in strange places but by now was also furious, "Well, young lady, what did you get into?"
"Well, gee, doc. I was out camping and having a wonderful time when I was attacked by a swarm of aliens. I think they are trying to take over the world one **** at a time. Get the CIA in here - call the FBI......might as well, most of the US government
has had a good look already!"
The look on his face was priceless. He was absolutely shocked! Ken was trying to crawl into a trash can. Me? I was just itching and fuming and totally humiliated.
After a long pause the doctor rubbed his chin and said, "Looks like a classic case of chiggers to me."
Well, it didn't feel so 'classic' from my end, I'll tell you! He ordered a sitz bath with colloidal oatmeal and cool water. He and Ken stepped out of the room. Alone at last - just me, my chiggers, and a good oatmeal soak. Suddenly that ER cubicle felt like Heaven! Instead of hearing the sounds of a typical Emergency Room, I heard angels singing.....and then I heard the doctor tell Ken, "You can pick up the oatmeal bath at any drug store, and I'll give her an antihistamine and a cream for the itch. The only thing I can't fix is her temperament. I'm afraid that's your problem, son."
Are you kidding me? Are you KIDDING?
Do I need to tell you who I had for a doctor for the first portion of my pregnancy? Ken laughed for 7 months.
I literally laughed out loud about this - getting a mental picture of that very description 
