This is supposed to get better, right?

[Ema]

well what can I say....uhmm first off he had no right to badmouth you to his female freind. If he has issues he should talk to you about it, not someone else. I am a firm believer that issues in a relationship should stay within the relationship not be thrown about to freinds and family unless its completely necessary. for him to disrespect you in such a manner is not a good thing. It doesn't matter if you suffered from depression or what you did in the 2 months he was gone. and He married you so its not his Money its both of your money. you go into a relationship owning different things when you make a union the belongings then become both of yours....his attitude towards you reminds me of my relationship with my old fiancee. He only cared about how things looked to others and often disrespected me. I was going to school to get a degree in Environmental sciences and he told me I was wasting my time, he gave me an ultimatum that to stay engaged I had to move in with him and he had spoken to my father about it, so there I went stupid enough to move out of my house and into his in the middle of nowhere. I didn't even have a car so I relied on him to drive me back into the city every morning to get to college. well guess what, he decided he wasn't taking me to college. the first time he did that it was pouring and he walked out of the house without telling me he was leaving I realized he had gone to the truck so I rushed to it, and he wouldn't unlock the door. he drove off while I was still holding the car door. he didn't come home untl 4 p.m he did the same thing for a week straight and he would call me lazy and a fat A**, I was 117 lbs soak and wet. then he started bringing guys around and telling me I should be walkign around with a bikini on and making sure his freinds were well cared for, a lot more stuff happened that I will not mention. I moved out immediately and back to my dad's house even though I was 21. he kept all my belongings and even made it known he gave his new girl freind all my expensive clothing and heels. I was just glad to be free of him only he stalked me for a week, and eventually I had him arrested. the whole time I was with him he was seeing my best friend...so much for that!!!

anyhow disrespect like that is uncalled for, that is what I am trying to say, being talked at and talked down is a way to break you down and super disrespectful, if he doesn't like you the way you are to hell with it. have the guts to pack your crap and get out. after a week of so of not having some one to talk down to maybe he will read your letter and maybe it will sink in. you tried your best. keeping on with this charade while you cry and feel bad for yourself will only empower him to keep doing it. How do I know, I mean you are probably thinking...I don't even know him...well because I have been abused in every possible way you can think off and I can recognize it anywhere, anytime, anyday...I see it often and I no longer stand for it. I had a hard life growing up but it made me stronger. I cannot tell you this will get better if you stand there and take it. you need to stand up to him and for yourself. if you were terrified about his coming home, you already knew this isn't a relationship. leave for a week or so, go home to mom and pop and explain what is happening. no parent will send you back to that. Trust me!!! they will gladly let you stay there will you figure things out. leave the letter on the table, with a smaller note on top.. write " I tried to talk to you, you won't listen and I cannot take your disrespect anymore, when you are ready to talk call me" that is it no more, no I love till I die I will miss you crap. let him have it and stick to your guns. we can give you all the advice we can but nothing will happen until you make the first move and by the way, if you do nothing at all and you get the sorry I won't do it again speach, I can assure you in time you will find yourself in a huge predicament, and if you have children, them too will take this kind of abuse...is that the sort of life you might want for a child, imagine everything he is saying to you, now imagine him saying it to your daughter or son....not a pretty picture. Ohhh and even though some people may not agree with this...don't forget to mention when he calls you about the email he sent his friend!!!! best to luck XOXO

p.s do make sure to take money out of the bank account for your trip home and expenses.

 

[kla37]

Ditto Emma. The only way to make this better is to look out for yourself. Men come and go, but you have to live with yourself forever.

 

[mylittlechickpea]

Thank you, Ema. I am sorry to hear that you had to go through those experiences to get to where you are now. I appreciate your greatly. And glad to see that you are much better off now.


I tried talking with him tonight, I told him I felt like there was something he just wasn't telling me. I have been kind of crabby all day, I forget to eat sometimes and then get busy doing other things, and continue to go all day, and today was one of these days. I realised it, and that my body was a bit out of tune with itself, and told him. I might be a little crabby. Well we had salmon for dinner, and as I was cutting the filet up to stick in the pan he comes over tells me what a huge piece it was, I reminded him I haven't had anything but two cups of coffee all day.. He'd picked out white asparagaus at the store... I didn't like it. I've never had it and I didn't want it and then I didn't like it.Bleh, we steamed them so they weren't tough or anything but the outside of it kind of was, maybe it was old, I dunno, but I didn't like. I had a salad, and then some brown rice.. I know brown rice is better for you, but again, I didn't like it. It's just not the same, and we had a bunch of white rice...

Well I told him he could shove it "a little more kindly" after I put my plate together that I was hungry and was eating what I wanted to.

Well after dinner we came out to the living room, we're still sitting here. Silently... Awkwardly... Dun dun Dun dun, na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na, Ba-di-doe... That was my Jaws music in type written form

We were going to go to the gym together tonight, but he wanted another beer. Of course if he has one I'm going to have one too, and so i stated this, and If I have another one I'm not going to drive to the gym... Well he's like "why can't we just do our sit-ups and push-ups here, and then go for a jog?" Because I don't want you criticizing the amount of sit-ups I can't do and push-ups I can't do, and a jog, really? Do you really think my smokers lung is going to be out there jogging? Ha! So I said, "C'mon, lets just go to the bloch arena (the gym on base)" And somewhere along the line he got cranky, I was still pulling my attitude with him, and had since gone to the laundry room to put on my dress that I wore on our first date three years ago next month that just happens to still fit.. Weird. I'm the same size I was three years ago... I brought something up about my gaining 20 pounds while he was away, and he looks up at me, saracastically (kind of) and says Only 20 Yea, buddy. 20. What did you think, I gained 100 or something, I'll show 100 if you really wanna see it. Challenge me. So he asks what eating me. I tell him. There's somethings he's not telling me. He says because every time he tries to say something I get upset and cry... Not all the time.... I said then stop telling me everysingle thing I do wrong as soon you walk in the door. "Then fix what I tell you to fix he says"..... Really, buddy??? Tell me I do something right for once, there's crap I do all the time for you, and all you see is the negative. He mentioned something about my letter, apparently there's no difference between talking to someone and talking at them.... He says I blame everything on him, I say he blames everything on me, I told him I wanted to get help, and we haven't said a word for a good half hour.....

And I'm drinking my second beer.




Edit:

And then who knows what clicks in his little mind, and he takes off his head phones, even though he hasn't even been listening to anything since we stopped talking, and we're done, we're good. Like nothing ever happened..... What gives

 

[Sonoran Silkies]

Chickpea, the two of you need to learn how to talk to each other, and how to listen, and how to fight and how to resolve issues--teaching you those tools is the best a couselor could do for y'all. You each have needs that the other is not understanding. He is pulling his feelings inside and stuffing them down without dealing with them--that is his "and we're done, we're good. Like nothing ever happened..... " Problem is, the issues remain unresolved and will come back (are coming back) much more intensely than if they were truly dealt with.

 

[chickensducks&agoose]

honey,
sounds like you really don't just want to dump the chump... so I think that you guys HAVE to go to therapy. like yesterday!

 

[kla37]

Therapy or the door. It will NOT get better without help. Losing yourself in this kind of relationship happens slowly, so it's hard to see it. Therapists for the military are free. Tell him that if he doesn't think your marriage is worth an hour a week than it's out the door. It is NOT normal to be treated that way, it is NOT normal to be upset all the time, and it is NOT acceptable. Pluck up! Just find a counselor, make an appt, and tell him to be there if he cares enough.

 

[kla37]

Just wondering, is he nice about your pets? Is he nice to them? My soon-to-be-ex threatened to kill my dog all the time when he was mad at me, and kicked her once. I'm a gardener and he would also cut down or dig up my plants just because he was mad about something that was ALWAYS "my" fault. If he does things like that it's a big problem and will escalate.

 

[rancher hicks]

The Lord knows I have tried not to log into this site. But as my DIL is going through a similar situation I feel I have some helpful info.

First you have to find what it is you two have in common. Divorce is high in the military and my father dumped us. Mum and all eight of us.

He isn't going to govern the house he just won't do it. I don't understand why military men don't see their "job" as just like a civie job but they don't. It's in their head and they just can't shut it off for "hometime". IMHO.

DS is living in denial that he has a problem. Antidepressants won't solve what's bugging you or your problems. They won't fix your concerns or his.

He has to not listen to other "men" as to how married life should be. Not let their comments about whose right or wrong get in his head. Look to men who have sucessful marriages. Not listen to guys who can't have a successful relationship.

Your a team and connected or should be. Talk about what you both hope to acheive in your relationship, what are your goals? Do you even have any? Chances are neither of you knows what the other one wants. It's something that should have been discussed before you got married.

Once your decided what you both want for the future devise a plan on how your going to get there. You can't wait til you get to the bridges of life to decide how your going to cross them.

Above everything else. BE HONEST. Most couple aren't. Before they get married "oh I love sports" After marriage "Why are you always watching football". "I don't mind going shopping" after marriage "No I dont' want to go look for womens clothes". Not the exact but you get the idea.

If he was in the military before you got married you should have had some idea what's what for military wives. Your problem is as old as the hills. What did you plan to do while he was away? You've got to have some of your own interests not spend time romantisizing of how things will be when he comes home. Look at his time away as a time to develop your interests. Take classes what ever . Don't expect him to show an interest and you won't be disappointed. You are two different parts of a whole not the same parts.

Now that your here get some counseling with out the anti depressants and take the advice. If necessary write it down to help you remember what to say.

You can do this, you have inner strength you haven't discovered yet. Oh and going to church won't hurt, I know it hasn't hurt us and we've been married 34 yrs.

 

[Slinkytoys]

Honey, hurting yourself by putting on weight or not working out will only hurt YOU. He won't give a rat's butt about it. So don't try to get back at him by going that route. If you get on with yourself and do what's good for you, he will notice. Strange how that works......they like us the way we are.....then try to change us. He sounds like he has some of his own problems and needs some help. If he won't get it, they you should. At least you will learn how to cope without hurting your ownself.
Slinky

 

[mylittlechickpea]

Sonoran, I'm trying to get it out of him. I'm pretty sure it's all those things that he mentioned in his email. I just want him to say to me, I shouldn't have to go through and be a snooper to figure out what bothering him. I've almost got him to actually say it outloud, but he won't... I'll be home late tonight, and tomorrow is another duty day, so Friday I'm bringing it up again that I want to get help for us, whether is only talking with his chaplain on the boat or making an appointment with a therapist, or that couples weekend. Something. I deserve it, and so does he.

Kla, I agree with your remark on the therapy. If it's not important enough to find an hour a week.... He is nice to my pets though. I have a fish, Franz Ferdinand, and my chicken, Chickpea. We're getting a bunny soon, but he wants that one. And he has a fish, too. I was a bit worried last night. He's been slow to warm up to Chickpea, not sure if I already mentioned, I brought her home with no permission, no disscussion, no inkling that I was going to bring a chicken home..... She pecked at his eye ball last night.... She was standing on his hand, and I kind of noticed she had that curious look about her, of "Oh, what's this nice shiny round white thing in your face" But because she hasn't pecked at my eyeball in so long, it didn't even phase me to warn him... Well she got him... I was a little afraid he was going to throw her across the room... He kind of pushed her back at me, and I put her back outside. He said is vicious, and an attack chicken, but no threats of tossing her in the deep frier just yet.

Rancher, we didn't really talk about expectations and goals before we were married, and I think now it showing it through. I don't exactly know what he wants, he won't say, but I think he thinks it's embedded in my female DNA and so I shouldn't have to ever ask what he wants... He has a very hard time turning off work when he comes home. I have a friend who is getting divorced, her husband works with mine, and they both tell two very different stories. All the guys are "on his side" because of what he says about her, and vise versa with the girls.. And I don't want to be that. They were married young, yes, but heck so are we. Hubby just turned 25 and my birthday in next month i'll be 24.. If he feels he can't keep us within us, I'd at least want him to talk to people who know what's going on and have been through similar situations, not Maygan.... This girl has no idea, what's going on, how I might feel, why I may be acting out in the way that I am... I don't know if she's just listening or giving advice, but if he wants advice I'd rather he go talk to his parents or one of his chiefs or something on the boat. Not some bi-sexual little hussy who is having sme kind of regrets of why didn't I get to you first, and now i'm stuck with my partner who is leaving me anyways because she has no idea how to stick up for herself against her parents or let them know that she is in anykind of relations with a lady because if they did they'd dis-own me and wouldn't pay for anything anymore... Sorry small rant, it's done and over with. I know this girl well enough enough. She hurt me last year. Pretty bad, and has not felt the need to apologize and so i don't want her friendship anymore. If you told you told what she did I'm pretty sure ya'll would buy some tickets out ehre just to slap me in the back of the head for continuing DH to have a friend ship with this girl. I don't want to be a controller, I don't want to tell him that he can't be friends with someone. He's a grown ass man, and I would expect him to make responsible decisions. Although while I'm already on the subject and you already know i think she's a hussy, she and her lady friend sent naked camera pictures to his phone last year, and said don't tell stacey. Really? That's all youcan come up with to save your own ass, don't tell me, at least tell me you were drunk or something, make something up to ease me my mind you grump. Well they weren't completely graphic, or anything, you really couldn't see a whole lot at all, but the mere fact that they would even consider doing something like this and then to go through with this and then when I finally bring it up to you because hubby felt like being honest was a good thing thing to do.... You laugh it off when i ask for an apology.... give my man a look of "I thought I told you not to say anything" and then laugh off my apology. I don't talk to her anymore. Yea, hubby sometimes eggs things on and pushes the limits, but he didn't push the send button. And he's the one that was honest and came clean. Althoguh I now wonder how many stunts they may have tried to pull like that. Anyways.

Slinky, good point. I'm not going to make myself even more unhealthy to prove a point to him. Because that'll just give him another to get all hot and bothered.... If he doesn't want to get the help with me, then I do need to get for myself. We both have a lot of problems. Together problems, and seperate problems that we brought with us into the relationship, or have developed since we've been together. I know what I need to fix, and he know's what he does. We jsut have to put that i that into action. the sooner the better.

Rancher, Sorry I cut off my reply with a rant... Anyways, yea.... I'm trying to get set with enrollment for the community college here, and I have my farmers every week that i enjoy whether he likes it or not, when I can find something better, I'll take it, but for now this is what i have. And I'm trying to get back into my knitting and i started sewing, i really do need to find more things for me, esspecially when he's gone because focusing soley on him while he's gone isn't working. I have been trying to develope meself a little more, I ust need to hop to it, and try a little harder everyday


Thanks everyone.


And please don't tell me what a tard I am for continuing DH to have this freindship... He knows exactly how I feel. We are not close friends anymore, although I still think she's wondering why.... I trust him with her, I don't necessarily trust her, but even though we are having these troubles, I trust him enough to let me know if she is being inapropriate.. You guys may not agree with me on that, but it is the way i feel. I'm not going to tell him who he can and cannot talk to. He may be a jerk sometimes to me but he's never told me I couldn't be friends with certain people.....