trying really hard to get over this, but

[CTChickenMom]

My parents both grew up in large families and they were determined not to raise my sister and I like they were. There was no playing favorites...ever. It isn't right. If your mom doesn't realize what she's doing than she should be awakened to that fact. If she does, well....I think I'd be less inclined to spend time with her. I wouldn't want my kids learning her behavior and thinking that its okay. Kids love unconditionally and thus learn these unhealthy treatments of others. They aren't born knowing all of this. As adults we learn how to be biggots and hypocrites from people around us. Each family member needs equal treatment.

My parents were at the birth of all 4 of their grandchildren and my sister and I each made it to the births of each others kids. We only do showers for 1st children in our family. Its a bit of a rite of passage, entering into motherhood. I know they did it up for your little sis but there are a couple ways to look at it: your sister is materialistic...mom is obsessive/compulsive...the restaurant had a good deal...someone got a deal on the goodies because they knew someone at the bakery.

Keeping your troubles under your hat won't make you feel any better. That said...don't charge at your mom with accusations. Act curious and conversational, "Mom...why was sister's shower so different from mine?" A first child is very different from all the kids that follow...that's different not better or worse. There's a lot to learn for both parent and child and parents don't always make the right choices even after their kids are grown up. Don't stop having children based on how you were treated. You are aware of the differences and are capable of making changes if you care to.

My first son, now 6, was born very prematurely so we had a shower for him after he'd been home for about a month. My mom is a pedi RN and I told her explicitly that Jacob was not to be passed around, it was February and people were sick. As a NB he already had a weaker immune system but as a preemie, he was even more suseptable. My DH said people would be upset about not holding him and he was right, people were upset with me and I didn't care. I had to look out for the welfare of my son. I wasn't there to please the masses. So, look out for your DD, teach her compassion and understanding. Money can't buy happiness. People who think spending money makes them happy often have underlying issues and are quite likely unhappy on the inside. Send mom a note, go hug your chickies, have a cup of tea and play Barbies with your DD. I think in the end you'll feel better.

 

[agnes_day]

Rhett&SarahsMom :

I am still hurt and I know it's silly and stupid.

Ok here goes.

Today was my younger sisters baby shower. It was at a nice restaurant.
A breakfast buffet was served. A huge table was set up just covered with gifts for the coming baby. Table decorations of cute little rubber duckies floated in shallow glass bowls. a cake from one of the REALLY nice and not cheap bakeries sat on another table. Next to the cake were candy bars wrapped in custom wrappers.
Over 50 people were invited and had rsvp'd. but the weather did not cooperate. it took me over 3 hours to get there and that was ALL highway travel! Normally only a hour and half drive. anyway.
Here is where I turn into a grump.

When I was pregnant with the first grandchild 6 years ago I got finger sandwiches from the local grocery store. In moms living room. No baby themed centerpieces at a nice restaurant.
No cake. No cute, little, custom wrapper, baby shower favors. I didnt get to have a say in whom to invite. So it was my older aunts, my moms friends and my MIL. None of my friends. No neighbors. No co workers.
I got diapers. Which were GREAT. But that is ALL I got. No cute baby clothes. Nothing from our baby gift registry. And we didnt have crazy expensive stuff on it! Not like my sister with FOUR freaking top of the line STROLLERS!
What does "baby Susie" get for her coming baby? clothes, top of the line baby whirlpool tub(CRAZY!) And then I find out that mom bought her a stroller! On top of paying for the entire shindig. None of the strollers on her list were under $250!
We paid for everything on our own!

I mean I know that my sister is moms favorite. she always has been. In fact SHE is another reason why I have an only and didnt want to try for a second child. I saw that my mom always treated her better and I swore that I would never play favorites with my own kids. so to stop that from happening I have an only. Sis always got to go on trips that mom paid for. skiing, Disney, Aruba, mom paid her rent and car payment and insurance through college and then beyond!

But I also know that once "Baby Susies" baby arrives that my daughter is going to be pushed to the side. I know that my mom wont do intentionally. But it will happen because the newest family addition is baby Susies baby.

I know this sounds petty. But I am just so hurt that this has happened.
Oh and today. My daughter was relegated to trash duty for the present opening part of the event. "Oh Sarah, can you take this wrapping paper and throw it away for Auntie sue?" So she got to stand there and run back and forth. And be told to move out of the way for pictures to be taken of my sister opening her gifts. Nice.
It was all I could do to NOT go to the bar and ask for a cape coder(cranberry juice and vodka) In fact if I hadnt had to drive all the way home in the crap weather I probably would have.
One thing thats good from this is I now know why my dad would invite me to hang out and read the paper etc in another room when there was a "Susie baby" event going on. And EVERY thing was a Susie Baby event.

ok... gripe done..But I am still hurt and not sure if I can talk with my mom without being obviously hurt any time soon.

trust me, be glad for even that. my family never threw me a baby shower, never bought me anything for any of my 6 kids, and now that my parents are deceased, they dont even really have grandparents because my mother in law told my husband that our kids have defective genes and she wants nothing to do with them. my sister on the other hand was allowed to live at home to have the baby, had baby showers for ALL of her kids, got nice presents etc etc etc.
it sucks to know that your kids know they arent as special to their grandparents as their cousins are!

 

[Rhett&SarahsMom]

thanks everyone.
I actually cried myself to sleep last night over this whole thing. And that just ticks me off. Since I then had to go to work with red puffy eyes.

I havent heard from my mom, which is unusual since we tend to talk on the phone daily. Maybe she is mad at me for not being smiling happy and supportive yesterday.
I want to be happy for my sister and her dh. But I am finding that difficult.

Right now my plan/hope to sell this place when the market turns is even stronger. Since the only reason I was even staying here was because my mom would get upset at the mere mention of us moving away with her "only grand daughter" Now I guess that wont be such an issue for her.

so with luck jobs will come back. The housing market etc will improve and I can move back South like I wanted to years ago anyway.

 

[SpottedCrow]

If it makes you feel any better, which I know it won't, I almost didn't have a shower because my "lovely" mother didn't want to have one for me because I'm a Cardiac patient and you "just never know..."

I'm so sorry, S&R's mom...Many hugs...I think you're pi$$ah! if that helps.

 

[ChickieWhickie]

My parents never played favorites between my brother & I. My husband's parents don't play favorites among their children either but some of the grandkids are different story. My husband's brothers do play favorites among the kids and each other. My husband was married before he & I married. His daughter that he adopted during his other marriage was treated badly. But one of his brothers has adopted 4 kids and they are treated like royalty. His daughter is a grown woman now, with kids of her own. She has never forgotten. I could go on but I won't.

 

[hatchaholic]

My sister and I aren't even speaking right now because of the same type thing. And, I found it did not help talking to the parents because they just justify everything.

And, my family didn't even give me a baby shower when I was pregnant with my first daughter. But my sister, who's pregnancy occured under much different circumstances than mine, got a huge baby shower. The reason, they just figured I wouldn't want one.

 

[Msbear]

I am so sorry. If it's any consolation, people are not perfect. We expect parents to be fair and do the right thing and have the right answers for us and, above all, lead as example. Unfortunately, this is not always the case. They are just people and they judge and act foolishly and do things unworthy of our respect. I would, without a doubt, make it known how you feel. I've learned along the way that it is never fair to your family, your husband and your children whom are your partners in life, to hold in your true feelings and be sad. They will be paying the price they do not deserve. Have an honest conversation with your mother when your sister is not around. She is a different person than you and it isn't about her. This is about you and your mother. Don't let these feelings fester and exaggerate... because they will.

One more thing. You would never have a favorite because you know what that feels like. You will be aware of this and will make sure everyone feels loved. Im prego with #2 now and that thought crosses ...how could I love another the way I do this one?... The answer is.. you just do. You love all of them the same. Im sorry your mother never learned what it was to truely be a mom. But Im glad you did.

 

[roosty]

Quote:
I agree!

 

[coffeemama]

Don't know if this was already asked, but did the same people throw your showers?

Sometimes I get shortchanged on things because I don't make a big fuss and EXPECT it. My wedding day was full of bridesmaids who didn't bother to tell me my dress was messed up or that my hair needed fixed. They are selfish women (I love them anyway) but if I had been someone who whined and expected them to be at my beckon call, they would have.

I also have seen this with gifts at my daughter's birthday parties. We have been low key about them-next month will be her third, and after years of watching her same age cousin get lavished with gifts and attention, we are having a big party for her. It's not all about the gifts, but everyone knows when the cousin's birthday is, but doesn't even send a card for my daughter-not even grandparents sometimes. I feel like I have to EXPECT them to bring gifts and attend a party just so they will acknowledge her day.

 

[hoosier]

I haven't read the responses, so don't know if this has been said.

Find people that love and respect you and your daughter as much as you do them, and adopt them as your family. Your mom will probably not change, so don't waste your time.