Well,, Steven hit his terrible two's finally, and his teen angst,,

[WriterofWords]

I so appreciate you guys taking the time to read and give me such honest well thought out advice. I have focused on him for so long I need to focus on me now I guess and getting my own situation in hand and taken care of. He's going to sink or swim and hopefully my swimming lessons will take care of him. I love him, I can't force him to do anything one way or the other right now, I don't want to try and use force. I think it will have to be his decision on how he handles this and his future now but I just can't hold his hand and walk him through any longer.

Thank you guys for being my honest sounding boards, I love you guys.

 

[CityGirlintheCountry]

You are a good mom, WoW. He'll be okay. He's just at that awkward point where he has to cut free and it hurts. I distinctly remember that point in my own past. It was painful, but just part of growing up. You've done a good job with your boy. He'll be okay.

 

[CedarRidgeChicks]

Dear Kate..I have a 24 yr old son and a 19 yr old son..the 24 yo has driven me "there" and back; the 19 yo is so mature and common sense minded, I sometimes am shocked!! They were raised the same..the only difference-24yo met a girl with no moral upbringing or common sense. She has brought him down to a level I can't fathom....but I draw strength daily on knowing that he was raised with the right morals and a sound foundation; and that God will be there when he finally turns to Him.

The hardest thing I have learned is to let go and let God handle it. I am a fixer. Watching him slip, and fail has nearly killed me..but he is slowly beginning to seek advise and ask my opinions. There is a slight flicker at the end of that tunnel!!

I have read many of your post re: Steven..I believe you to have given him the foundation and morals that will shape the man he is to become..there may be some falls and bumps along the way..but I think you can rest in that you have given him the tools he will need.

Now take some "take care of Kate" time..

..and I will keep you in my prayers!!

 

[MagsC]

Kate, I too believe you have given him the best foundation anyone could have. I think what you have taught him will win out in the end.

 

[insiderart]

Hmmm wow. Not sure about some of the responses. But sounds like he's going through that tough "I'm an adult now, you are a stupid idiot who can barely even tie your shoes properly, let alone give me any life direction." phase.

Tell him he is welcome to "man up" and make his own decisions and support himself and make his "own decisions" just as soon as he graduates. But he will always be required to show you respect and kindness.

I think I would seriously say a big, "OH NO YOU DIDN'T!!" just disrespect me. Not acceptable. Don't care what your new friend says, you will not treat me in this manner. You will complete your studies, graduate, and then you can get an attitude on your own dime.

 

[justbugged]

A lot of parents make the mistake of think that doing things and holding their child's hand way too far into adulthood is somehow proof of their great love, when in fact all it does is make their child retarded. (e.g. parents that keep preventing their children from needing to learn real consequences, or that don't let the child pay for or experience real life responses to their own behaviors.)We need to remember that our children need to be allowed to be adults, instead of staying our babies the rest of their lives. Allowing them to adults even when it hurts is a heroic act of love from a parent. I would rather be enjoying my children as adults, then if they had been retarded in their growth as human beings.

I had a child that would have never grown up, and left my care if she had not died when she did, that is truly deep grief. But I consider causing a healthy child to become retarded so that I can feel like a mommy still, is something I feel is the worst type of abuse that a parent can impose on the person they love more than anything in the world. True parental love means letting them go, and praying that they want to come back to us for adult relationship. We can usually fix or give our children everything they want at the age of three, but very few of us can to that for any adult, no matter how we love someone.

This is hard to do. As a society we keep being told that real love is not allowing our children to have any type of hardship. This isn't true. Humans need hardship to be able to grow and mature. If we don't allow our children to experience difficulties then they will remain children all of their lives, and that is very very sad. When we have children we need to think about the adult that we need to raise, not the babies that we care for such a short time. Babies are really cute, but I don't want one for the rest of my life either.


Take care of yourself. Figure out what you are going to do with the rest of your life. As a parent you job is done. The relationship with your son needs to become a friendship with an adult who will always share a really special bond, and common experiences with you, as long as you are able to keep the doors open to communication.

 

[mom'sfolly]

Kate, I think Steven may have hit something very common for his age and where he is in his schooling. My friend went through this last year with her 18 year old and I remember doing it to. He has a plan, he's been accepted into the program he wants, so he thinks that what he does between now and when he enters that program doesn't matter. Lots of kids, good kids, seem to go through this when they get accepted to the college of their choice. All of their schooling, work and goals have been targeted on that mark (for Steven, it must be the military), and once that confirmation has come in, they slack off and lose focus. My friend's son drove her crazy last spring with slipping grades, late nights and defiant behavior. He's now finishing his first semester in the engineering program of his choice....Hopefully things will go this way for you too.

Unfortunately, one of the downsides of having children is they take you emotionally hostage with their birth, and never let go. This is also an upside, but it can make for a very rough road sometimes.

 

[WriterofWords]

I do feel like a hostage, one about to get shot if they blink wrong! I wonder if I bury his buddy in the desert somewhere he'd go back to acting like himself,,,, nah,, lol I'm going to just see what happens this coming week after school starts up again. I just can't take anymore stress right now and I'm letting him cause me just too much heartache along with my other stress,, my system just can't take anymore so I'm going to smile if it kills me and grin and bear it for now.

 

[Tala]

Quote:
Yeah that. THe first summer I moved back in with my mom after a year of living on my own at college.....um yeah. Didn't go so well. I worked a lot to compensate - so I wouldn't be at home as much.

The next summer I just didn't come back. I got an apartment with now-DH.
It wasn't a mistake or the end of the world, in fact just 2 years later we became homeowners ourselves, so I don't see any problem with your son moving out

He's 18 he can move out if he wants to.

 

[GaNewChick]

I think one thing you have to come to terms with is ~ this friend isn't taking him down the wrong road. Your son is old enough to make his own choices and decisions. Maybe not the right ones, and certainly not the ones you would make for him.

Just know that you did a great job raising him and he'll come back to it.