Well,, Steven hit his terrible two's finally, and his teen angst,,

[rebelcowboysnb]

Quote:
My dad used the "Your still in high school" an the "under my roof" lines on my oldest sister shortly after she turned 18. The next day she came home an gave him papers where she quit school, packed her bags an moved in with me. She would have graduated in about 2 months. The both wish he had just backed off.

This is the Dad's fault? I dont think so .. that so called 18 year old made an "adult" decision... a VERY STUPID one. All she did was hurt herself there. My parents used those lines too, it didnt drive me out, it made me think about what I was doing. Every kid is different , Kate has shared her relationship with Steve on here and it does seem very out of character for him and not just a growing up and "adult" reaction. Sometimes peer pressure can get out of hand.

Kate, not sure what to tell you here but sometimes you have to let them make some bad choices so they learn.. as hard as it is.

Hang in there

Not saying it was dads fault. What Im saying is that dad did not know that those two comments to a teen can come across as a ultimatum. Ultimatums never go well. So when you think you are going to tell an 18 year old that you are still incharge they have every right to say no your not an take option B. Ya better know that every teen knows that 18 is when that option starts. Some parents need a reminder.

 

[Sonoran Silkies]

Sorry, 18 does not grant independence--not when you are not completely self-supporting. And especially not when you have not graduated.

 

[Rusty Hills Farm]

Quote:
Sadly, too many teens do NOT make the connection between "adult" and "self-supporting". They look at the calendar and think adulthood is automatic. Sometimes you have to let them learn the hard way. I was only 17 when I heard those words. My I'll-show-you reaction was to join the Marines. But 2 tours in Nam kicked my ass all the way into adulthood. That is a hard, hard way to get there. Writer, I hope your son has more common sense than I did at that age. Afghanistan is not going to be over any time soon. Neither is Iraq. Sadly, either one will teach that same hard lesson I learned so many years ago.


Rusty

 

[Scoop]

I didn't read every post but it does sound like you have done too much for him already. Quit filling out forms, etc. for him. How do they ever learn to do it without you? I let mine do that on their own and wait for them to ask for help if they need it. It sounds like you've done a good job raising him so far and I would still gently guide him when you can but don't do any more legwork for him. I have 2 teens that are self-sufficient and so far they are both still here. I don't hold any reigns on them as long as they do what they need to and don't get into trouble. Hope he still goes thru with his plans, I think it's good to have goals. Good luck! Oh, and showing disrespect to your mom is not becoming a man...

 

[chickenzoo]

I think it is time he has to learn is own life lessons. He thinks he has it all figured out, but he'll learn he doesn't. This is the time where you have to hope that all your great mothering is enough to make him choose the right path, and if he falls off, that you will be there no matter what, even if you have to bite your tongue the whole way... It hurts, but this is only a grain of sand in a life long journey for both of you.

 

[Mattemma]

I hope it all works out for him.People with goals like he has will have a driving force to meet those goal...but a friend with no goals can ruin it for him by sidetracking them on purpose.They do not want to see their friends meet their goals,because it reminds them they have none.I hope his friend won't be this type of person.

You hear it at times when a spouse sabotages weight loss or is actually mad when a partner meets a goal.They know it is good for a person to meet their goals,but at the same time are jealous and hope secretly that they fail or give up.

Be supportive and let him know you are there if he needs you for insight...but not to bail him out of a mess.My mom still bails my brother out and he is 40.It breaks my heart for them both.

 

[Camelot Farms]

I have found that sometimes our children stray a bit but when they come from a strong home and good raisin', they will wander back. And Kate, you ROCK! And I imagine Steven thinks so too.

 

[teach1rusl]

Ahhh...your tale made my stomach clinch, as my son will turn 17 in another week, ten years of which it was just he and I. So I know when those bonds are strained, it really feels like a betrayal of sorts.
But I do remember feeling so resentful of my mom (looking back it was mostly just wanting to be my own person) when I was that age. The week I graduated, I moved out, into a bad situation of course...lol. But it was too late; my mother had already taught me my core values, so I turned into a decent human being anyway...eventually

So have faith in that...that the core lessons have been taught, and that, in the end, he will make the right decisions (keep in the mind the right decisions won't necessarily be your decisions). Now when I'm so frustrated with my son taking steps and doing things that make me cringe, I'm gonna' come back here and read my own advice...lol. Seriously though...hang in there!!!

 

[new2chix]

Having 3 adult children (24, 25, 26), as well as a daughter who turns 18 next September during her Sr. year of high school, I would also suggest backing off - not down, but off. He knows where you stand by now, and he is legally an adult. He will make mistakes, poor choices, choices that you don't agree with... didn't you? Hopefully he has already learned that there are consequences to the decisions he makes, and mama doesn't "bail him out". Let him become his own person, even if there are aspects of him you wish were different. It is difficult to transition that MOM thing to being the Mom of an adult - it takes time to change your thinking (worrying!) You have done your work with him - any further influence you have on him will be by his choice - start trying to relate to him as an adult. If living under one roof isn't working for you both, talk about options and costs for you both - he may not have considered the fact that you have choices and options to consider when he is gone. I am very fortunate - all 3 of my adult kids have turned into people I like and respect - and I wish you the same.

 

[country freedom]

Quote:
Sadly, too many teens do NOT make the connection between "adult" and "self-supporting". They look at the calendar and think adulthood is automatic. Sometimes you have to let them learn the hard way. I was only 17 when I heard those words. My I'll-show-you reaction was to join the Marines. But 2 tours in Nam kicked my ass all the way into adulthood. That is a hard, hard way to get there. Writer, I hope your son has more common sense than I did at that age. Afghanistan is not going to be over any time soon. Neither is Iraq. Sadly, either one will teach that same hard lesson I learned so many years ago.


Rusty

I am 44 yrs old. My children have always known, that at 18 yrs. old, (and out of high school) - ready or not - you are getting outta my house! My children are required to put job applications when they turn 14 yrs. old, twice yearly (no-they're not going to get hired, but their names are getting out there). When they turn 15 yrs. old, they may get hired at a few places, and the money they earn from that job is entirely theirs. When they hit 16 yrs. old, having a job is a requirement, and the money they earn is supposed to go into 3 places: savings, needs, wants. I will not show them how to do this, they have to learn this on their own. When they reach the legal adult age of 18 yrs. old (and being out of high school) you will be moving out.

My oldest was less than a month shy of hitting his 18th B-day, (already out of high school), when he broke a mandatory house rule, and I kicked him out (he stayed with a neighbor/friend of ours), he had to do everything on his own about college, moved to the college town, and is doing ok, now, he is 21 yrs. old now, a junior in college.

My second oldest son graduated high school, went into the Air Force as an E2, and has been in Japan for the past 2 yrs. . While in Basic Training, he turned 18 yrs. old. He's doing well, also.

My 3rd oldest, a daughter, got pregnant at 15 yrs. old, a mama at 16, quit high school (going for GED now/ and going for CNA), has calmed down/ grown up since she's learned a few life lessons kinda hard ways - I won't detail here, rather long - listens to my advice, since she had her girl, told me several times I've raised them to use their voices when they need to, make decisions knowing each decision, good or bad, will affect others' decisions, like ripples on a pond, and looks at me as a confidant now.
She's the one who tried bucking the rules, voluntarily moved out twice, once into other set of Grandparent's apt. , moved back home, and once into her own apt. . She moved back home, 19 yrs. old now, only allowed to live at home because she has her daughter - other set of Grandparent's 2 sons are in jail/ or living at home and no job. Both sons of theirs are over 21 yrs. of age.

I have 2 sons and another daughter still at home, both sons are of job requirement age, and my daughter cannot wait to turn old enough to work. I am not able to give allowances, and am considered "working-class poor". All of my children have told me I've raised them up hard and honest. For me - thats a compliment!