What do you do with an unmotivated 18 year old?

[nivtup]

To me it sounds like no one is happy.

It also sounds like he wants to go it alone.

This is good.

Offer to help him arrange for housing, etc.

Agree to the first of April separation. Tell him you agree.

Tell him you will be changing all of the locks on the house on March 31. Then do it.

When he comes knocking, explain the hard facts of life.

Wish him luck, and send him on his way.

 

[sheila3935]

you said you are his payee? You can take the money and rent him an apartment. He will then be eligible for food assistance. Take him up to get signed up for that after you get him an apartment. Then tell him this is where you live. What you do now is up to you. Then each month with his money pay his rent and give him the rest. If he blows it oh well he will just have to figure it out. At least he will have a place to live and not with you. I have a 20 year old son that we found out was smoking pot and bringing it into the house. DH promptly kicked him out. He knew the rules he is dyslexic but finally finished high school at the age of 20. He lives with a cousin and still parties doesnt work etc, But that is his problem. He knows that with his behavior we will not help. I know its hard but they have to grow up and figure it out on their own as much as we want to we cant do that for them. I have a DD that at 18 decided we were mean and trying to tell her how to live her life. She moved out did the party thing ran with a bad crowd. At 19 she got pregnant and lost the baby, got kicked out of her apartment for having loud parties and wanted to move home. I told her no you are an adult figure it out. She did and now she is 30 her and her boyfriend have been together for over 10 years and they pay their bills and live a decent life. Sad that now she cant have any children because of the miscarrige, The doctors didnt treat her right and she developed fibroid tumors from the scarring and had to have a hysterectomy. We all live and learn. Time to let him.

 

[turney31]

Quote:
And this is exactly what my youngest did, thank God. I don't know if op's son could with his disabilities.

 

[country freedom]

I have 6 children - 4 are ADHD (2 severe, 2 mild)
I stopped medication after the Family Therapist threatened to have Child Protective services remove my children if I didn't find another Family Doctor who would *up* the childrens medication. This happened over 10 years ago.
I had Child Protective services, and Family Services helping me at the time, since I was going thru court, because of a very abusive marriage/family life - myself and children were being severely abused.
I ended up moving, with both Services helping me plan everything, after teaching me that I could live on my own.

People look at me and tell me that I am a *mean mother*. I am harsh on my children, but I've given them these 2 basic facts their wholes lives - when you turn 18 yrs old, you are out of my house, unless you are still in High School. If you go to jail - count on me leaving you in there, my priorities are the children still at home.
When each child turned 14, they were required, twice yearly, to put in applications around town. No, they wouldn't get hired, but they gained experience, confidence, and their names/faces would be seen.
When each child turned(s) 15, again required to put in applications around town. They may get hired at 1 or 2 places and work up to 3 hours for a few days weekly. That money is theirs, they are shown that there are 3 envelopes: Savings, Needs, Wants.
When each child turned(s) 16, each was/is required to get a job, a part of each paycheck (only if they've made 100$ and over), will be for rent/helping out in some way towards the household.
When each child reaches 18 years old (sometime during that year), they are required to move out, unless in High School. Every child so far, saved up for a car to get them to work.
My only exception was allowing my oldest daughter to move back home as she is the mother to my Grandgirl.
Shanara is severe ADHD, was he!! to raise up, 10 fights since 9 years old, never started any/finished them though - sending a few guys/girls to emergency room, getting pregnant at 15 years old, moving out at 17 into then boyfriend's parent's apartment, them breaking up, and she was on the street with her little girl.
Shanara now is a responsible young woman/mother of 20 yrs. has a great job, and a nice apartment. She dropped out of high school, but did get her GED.
One of my happiest moments with Shanara was when she told me she was sorry she put me thru he!! growing up, and that she takes my advice seriously, about parenting and life.....(her words)>after all, I raised all 6 children in bad neighborhoods, without medication, and none of them went to jail.

I was/am against of putting my ADHD children on SSI - If people get free gov. money, why work/they have free money coming each month, this I had seen many times over.
Bible says each person needs to work for their food, wether it be a woman manning the household and finances, or a man bringing home money to the family.

My children are the ages of: Son 22, junior in college in Michigan (severe ADHD)
Son 21, United States Air Force in South Dakota (Rank-E4), been gone for 4 years. He got to visit home last year.
Daughter 20, 4 yr old daughter, Indiana (severe ADHD)
Son 19, freshman in college in Indiana (mild ADHD)
Son 17, junior in high school in Indiana (mild ADHD), still home
Daughter 14, in school, still home.
EDTOAD--------------When they were younger, every time one of my children broke something, put a hole in a wall, ect......I paid for the damage.
I was asked why did I pay, since we are living in Public Housing, we shouldn't pay. Teaching my children that when something you mess up, you straighten it out.
After they had jobs, if they broke something, put holes in walls, ect.....they had to pay damages + pay rent/help out with household expenses - same as life
anywhere else.

 

[ChickenAlgebra]

With the threats he's made for his safety - take him to the nearest police station or hospital and have him put on a psych hold. Call the police if you can't get him to go on his own. They'll determine how long for.

It will piss him off. Fine. Let him be ticked. But if you can't have the rational processing of a healthy adult, you are going to get the help.

Oh boy. My sister was doing the same thing at 17. I was the "reasonable" adult home that weekend, and was 21. I can't even remember the exact threat used, but she was cutting and had threatened that she was going to take an overdose. I had no idea what to do, so I called the cops, they picked her up. 23 days in psych hold until she was deemed able to be released.

She hated me. My parents were livid that I'd done that. That was for a very long time the end of our family to some degree. My older brother sided with me, our baby sister sided with the problem child, because she got away with everything.

No one got her the help she needed, or made her grow the hell up on her own. Nope, got to stay at home, not work, not finish HS, not get her GED. Was using pot, drinking, etc.

Mixed Ativan, Valium and alcohol one night again when my parents weren't home. Got the call from the baby who was 15. Told her to hang up and call 911. She died that night from the overdose. She got to the ER with a BAC of .379. She was 20.

The end may have been the same if she'd been thrown out on her own. But she never had to hit rock bottom on her own, she'd always had a cushion thrown under her first. But that cushion eventually isn't there, and that crash down isn't any better. She never had to grow up, so she never did, and it killed her in the end.

 

[arabianequine]

The comments he said I did tell him that I was gonna call the police and the crisis center....he never said anymore it was sent to me through text. Not that that matters just saying no more happened by the time he got home he was not mad anymore. I told him he needs to be on some medication and he just seen the dr. this last fri. for his 18 exam and still refusing meds. I did tell them the hospital and police can make him stay and take meds to prevent him from harming himself and others. He does not have a case worker per say. There is someone that handles his ssi case at ss office. I will get him into his own place at the beginning of the month. I know he can have a chore worker. I think for now I will still be his payee. Just having him out of the house will relieve a lot of stress. He gets bused to and from school so that will continue if he lives on his own. He will get his own food benefits too. A friend has already told him that and he has wanted to do that for a while now. He still has no phone. He won't go to counseling either we have tried. When younger I made him 2-3 times and they kept closing his services there cause he won't talk so basically wastes everyone's time. This is after few months of trying each time and on meds.

He still did not shower last night or this morning.

He did kinda clean his room got all the dishes out and did the dishes. Folded all the laundry on the couch. He also washed one outfit.....wore them half dry to class today and he has a cold already.

 

[Momagain1]

well; now what I'm reading; is manipulation.

IMO; he's completely controlling the situation...
he threatened; you responded with a "This is whats happening coips/hospital" response..
his response: well I'll be ok when I come home, I'll do a bit of cleaning and not be mad...

that IMO is manipulation...

everything will be fine until HE gets upset again...you need to quit walking on eggshells in your own
home and honestly...I've been there..done that...and you just have to decide once and for all, even tho
he is your son and you love him much...sometimes the hard love road is what has to be done. period.

I'm doing it too..its not easy..I still dont know where my daughter is..I am assuming she is living at the
boyfriends house still..and it kills me..but I cant go back to where we were..I cant...

GL!

 

[ChickenAlgebra]

Quote:
Doesn't matter. He's unmedicated for mental problems. He's made the threat. Call the police and crisis center. Here, it's at very least a 72 hour hold for his own safety. They can make it longer if he's not taking basic care of himself and taking his medications.

 

[Camelot Farms]

This is a mirror post of one I did about 2 years ago. 18yr old is now 20. Moved 650 miles away and actually calls me just to talk not to ask for things.

There is hope!!!

 

[kera!]

I found that time heals..do as much as you can with him. not for him, spend time listen to him. always look for ways to praise hime for stuff he is doing good. I didnt see if you have other kids but if so him leaving would bring peace toy our home, i would say pray together everyday ask for help for you and him and your family, things will get better..JOY Jesus Others Yourself...we ae praying for you and your son