What do you do with an unmotivated 18 year old?

[TigerLilly]

Yeah; they don't call it TOUGH love for nothing though, you have to stand your ground.

 

[magoochie]

Some people will learn and some wont. It is a harsh truth, but he will either learn to fend for himself, or he wont.

Honestly, I dont mean to come across negatively, or rude, but have you considered he may be taking some sort of drug?

My step-son was the same way. First of all, my husbands ex took him to live in France and my husband had not seen him for over 17 years. She was never motivated either, and he learned it by watching her im sure.... But he slept all hours of the day, just played video games, never wanted to look for a job, never cleaned up after himself etc.

We had paid for his plane ticket here from europe, bought him a car, gave him his own room, bed, bought him a bunch of clothes, etc. But he said we werent doing enough for him. And he even told my husband that he was basically a bad father because he wouldnt be left any inheritence. And I quote "I'm ENTITLED to get something when you die"

First off kid, we dont even know you! we havent seen you or spoken to you in over 17 years, and we have bent over backwards to help you and changed our life to accomodate you and that is how you treat us after all we have done?!?!

He told us "my girlfriends flight comes in next week from france and she will be living here." I said "you cannot invite someone to live in our house without asking us."

So we told him he had to get an apartment before then because by him pulling that, neither of them were welcome in the house.

Turned out his girlfriend got $18,000 in an inheritence from her uncle, (hmmmm wonder where the "im entitled to something" came from) they blew EVERY SINGLE PENNY inside of 3 months. We later found out that most of it was on booze and drugs and a trip to canada.

Needless to say the girlfriend went back to france without a dime, and my step son moved to Oklahoma because his mothers father lined him up with a job, and we havent heard from him in over 4 months.

But all of that aside, it WAS HARD to do that to him. But some people just dont learn, and if they do, it has to be the hard way. Now I understand that our situation is a little different, because my husband never really knew his son. From the time he was 3 until the time he was 20 he never had any contact with him. But still ITS YOUR KID and it is hard.

But we are glad we did it. He has not called and asked for money or anything since he has moved. Then again he hasnt really called but a time or two to say hi and the last time was before thanksgiving.

You NEED to stand your ground. He will learn or he wont. Its that simple. Everyone wants what is best for their child, or someone they love. But you cannot help someone who wont help themselves first.

 

[redhen]

Quote:
Sweetie.. you cant do much else. I work and LIVE with these type of kids...
At 18..hes free now to do what he wants.
The ONLY thing you CAN do..is have control of what you ALLOW in your house...
At that age..he HAS to want to help himself....
As for destroying your bathroom,..yep... time for him to go and meet the real world. I actually would have pressed charges on him for that... cause that WILL happen to him in REAL life....
I'm a meanie though...

 

[arabianequine]

Thats all he wants to do is smoke cigarettes weed and drink if given the chance he is on it....but it is not allowed here. @ redhen he has ruined the bathroom wall and his room will be gutted when he moves out.

ETA: my husband took pics of his room and the bathroom wall today. Oh yeah one day we came home been a long time now but our couch, chair, and a recliner were all cut up. Another day his door to his room was all puched up holes all in it same door still on his room too. My husband refuses to do any changes to the inside of our house till he is moved out. @ redhen you want him

I can't even begin to say the things he said earlier I don't even want to think about it but let me just say we have a lock on our door. My husband has been locking our room at night for a long time now with a dead bolted at night and when we are gone cause he don't stay out of our stuff. I am not thinking it has been a half bad idea....really scary to know when you make someone mad what they would say and you can trust no one.

I am really tired of babysitting. He wants the benefits of being 18 but don't act barely 12.

 

[Momagain1]

I'm sorry, but an 18 yr old, school or NOT doing drugs or being involved in them/drinking and/or smoking is NOT allowed for any reason in my house. Period.

You SHOULD NOT have to lock your door to your room. PERIOD.

Honey I say it with the view of someone who has been there; done that and still doing that..(not the drug/alcohol/smoke stuff tho)..

our DD is now 20..she's so unmotivated to get a job; she's going to be kicked out of her boyfriends house..she'll b homeless. Mommy is NOT rescuing her.
I love her desperately, she has medical issues; Type 1 diabetes -- she doesnt control them very well, she has severe depression..was suicidal bout a yr ago..
I cannot enable her anymore. She has to learn to live with her choices.

We were paying for college for her..she flunked out..we stopped paying.

PM me if you want to talk...drastic actions on your part may be what has to happen. Let him move out. Let your sis take care of him.
they'll get tired of helping him...sooner or later they burn bridges...

I too, at 18 would have pressed charges for the property damage. He needs help; and until he WANTS it..he wont change.

I'm sorry! REALLY REALLY SORRY!

 

[celticbird]

I was quite the problem child...thats actually why im here. I was a messed up kid with not many if any friends my only friends were my chickens. I didn't have anyone or anything else to keep me straight. They were the only thing that kept me level when I wanted to knock heads id go out and mess with my birds.

Now im not at all saying try to make him be a chicken person. But he must be into something no matter how stupid it may be to you. If its legal try to be supportive. It may help.

I notice you say step father. How did the divorce or whatever circumstance effect him. You may have to look into yourself instead of just pegging him to find the real issues.

My parents were together but my mother was addicted to college and my father was disabled. My siblings were cruel and much older. I felt so alone.

If that fails there's the old standby most parents can't or wont use anymore.....whoop his butt. If he is bigger use a broomstick hahaha worked for my mama in the longhaul lmao.

Im now a 30 yr old husband and father of 4 beautiful babies. I own my own buisness and home and am thriving as compared to many my age I know. You can help him but you must ask yourself what part of what you have done or haven't helped make him this way. Not calling you a bad mother please do not take it as such just sayin no one is perfect and sometimes what we do today has consequences tomorrow. Sometimes the adverse effect shows in your children.

 

[Sonoran Silkies]

Quote:
He has not arrived at this point in his life without having had a lack of consequences and boundaries. It is always more difficult to fix a problem than to prevent it from occuring. Obviously there is a lot more to the story, and presumably his father's influence or lack of one is also an issue.

He needs ground rules that he knows, and that are ALWAYS enforced. Consequences that occur, regardless of him being angry about them. You need to feel safe in your home, and you need to know that your son will be successful at life. Right now he is obviously feeling entitled to things that he has not earned by endeavor or merit; that needs to cease. With your dh, decide on house rules for him, and tell him the specifics, and the consequences for not following any rule. Be very clear and very specific, and then follow through, even though it hurts to deny him, or is unpleasant or emotionally troubling. In the long run, it is far better for him. He needs to pay for damages, and if it takes a police report, so be it. As for his SSI, I am not sure that he is/should have it coming in once he has reached 18? (Assuming it is from a deceased father?) If he is a danger to himself or others, the state can force meds, and/or you may be able to acquire guardianship, which would give you the right to force meds that he needs. If he has a social worker, set up a conferance to ask for guidance.

 

[danischi24]

Having been a very difficult teen myself once, I'd give the advice of "kick him out & let him learn the hard way". Sure worked for me. It's time for him to put his man boots on & to do that, he needs responsibility. Once you have to work to pay rent & make a living, or live on the street, you catch on pretty quick. Tough Love. Nothing else does it quite so well.

 

[arabianequine]

Quote:
That damage has been going on before he was 18. Real lack for hygiene to....just wants to be a slug here. He says he wants to work and drive get a car but I don't trust him.....as I see what he can't do or manage here.

He says at the beginning of April he is gonna stay in a motel and still go to school just not leave with us no more.

 

[arabianequine]

Quote:
He has not arrived at this point in his life without having had a lack of consequences and boundaries. It is always more difficult to fix a problem than to prevent it from occuring. Obviously there is a lot more to the story, and presumably his father's influence or lack of one is also an issue.

He needs ground rules that he knows, and that are ALWAYS enforced. Consequences that occur, regardless of him being angry about them. You need to feel safe in your home, and you need to know that your son will be successful at life. Right now he is obviously feeling entitled to things that he has not earned by endeavor or merit; that needs to cease. With your dh, decide on house rules for him, and tell him the specifics, and the consequences for not following any rule. Be very clear and very specific, and then follow through, even though it hurts to deny him, or is unpleasant or emotionally troubling. In the long run, it is far better for him. He needs to pay for damages, and if it takes a police report, so be it. As for his SSI, I am not sure that he is/should have it coming in once he has reached 18? (Assuming it is from a deceased father?) If he is a danger to himself or others, the state can force meds, and/or you may be able to acquire guardianship, which would give you the right to force meds that he needs. If he has a social worker, set up a conferance to ask for guidance.

We are pretty strict. Today he said he wants to blow his head off and gut people like a fish....thats how we make him feel. He wants to go far away from here this is all said when he was mad. My husbands girls 18 and 20 won't even talk to us really. They don't come around. All they ever wanted was to live on there own and yet still living at there mom's and the reason being she lets them do what ever they want. That is I believe what my son wants. He bio father has not been around or seen my son in at least 7 years maybe more. I am not legally married but been with my sons step father for 15 1/2 years now. My son has went through drug outpatient treatment 2 times. It is not allowed here. He has no friends really. No one to count on but me.

He get SSI that is for disability and mental for the things I mentioned. He will get this money monthly regardless and he knows it so he knows he can live on his own and do what he wants. My husband does not care anymore....we have tried everything over the years. My son was getting suspended in kindergarten and had a 1:1 EA in school since 2nd grade with meds till he would not take them anymore. The schools have tried ever so hard with him over the years and so have we all the schools know it too. We are not the only adults that don't know what to do. He is so stubborn and bull headed. He is very smart, funny, and creative. He can be a good kid. More headache then enjoyable for me. He does not apply himself at all.

I have to make him shower, clean his room, do his laundry and I am tired of having to tell him.....well babysit like I said he is 18 so he says.