Sorry if these have already been submitted but -
"My grandfather once told me that there were two kinds of people: those who do the work and those who take the credit. He told me to try to be in the first group; there was much less competition." -- Indira Gandhi
"I only like two kinds of men, domestic and imported."
Mae West
"'woman' drove me to drink - the only thing I'm indebted to her for." W. C. Fields
"A person who never made a mistake never tried anything new."
Albert Einstein
"To say what you feel is to dig your own grave."
Sinead O'Connor
"I listen to music for emotion and I get zero emotion from rap."
Sebastian Bach
And the king of the one liners-
My psychiatrist told me I was crazy and I said I want a second opinion. He said okay, you're ugly too.
Rodney Dangerfield
If it wasn't for pick-pockets I'd have no sex life at all.
Rodney Dangerfield
My wife met me at the door the other night in a negligee. Unfortunately, she was just coming home.
Rodney Dangerfield
When I was a kid my parents moved a lot, but I always found them.
Rodney Dangerfield
Yeah, I know I'm ugly... I said to a bartender, 'Make me a zombie.' He said 'God beat me to it.'
Rodney Dangerfield