What to do when your child just won't eat?

[sourland]

It is a phase. Post # 1 from Debi is great advice. I would not punish because she did not eat- puts too much significance on the act. Three meals a day, one or two treats, and no big drama about the whole thing. Our kids were great eaters. My adopted grand daughters are great eaters. My daughter's kids have the same horrible eating habits that their father has; however, as they mature their eating habits are improving. She will be fine. Downplay the whole thing.

 

[Robin'sBrood]

Our former pediatrician (that I loved, but he moved his practice too far away

) told me to let my DD "graze" all day instead of expecting her to eat 3 big meals. He said if I gave her healthy snacks all day (fruit, dry cereal like Cheerios, cheese, etc.) she would get all the nutrients and calories she needed over the course of a day, and I wouldn't have to stress out when she didn't want to eat much at meal time. I followed his advice, provided those snacks, and gave her tiny portions at meals. It helped to save my sanity! She is now 9 and has outgrown that phase, thank God!!

Best wishes...

 

[annie3001]

hello!
i read just the title, and had to reply.........
my 5 year old eats when he's hungry.

i lay out breakfeast, lunch, dinner and still have food issues here too.
i please him buy making butterd noodles and corn....alot.

its difficult at our house in the morning, when he doesnt want anything before school. thank goodness he's only in kindergarten and its half days. he does eat his snack at school. buts its still very frustraing because i offer lots of foods, and yet we have fighting battles. ugh! good luck to you.

 

[mhwc56]

Quote:
This is sooo the truth!
kids NEED boundaries in everything and if they cross those boundaries they NEED to reap a negative result- cause and effect so to speak. They actually appreciate having the boundaries,it helps them to feel secure and safe and loved. They need you to set rules and STICK with them.Kids at the age of your daughter are PROFESSIONAL manipulators too let me tell you!
Anyway, she is at the age where you need to determine the rules and stand firm with them .Do NOT argue with or debate with a 4 y/o because they will see this as YOU being weak and indecisive. Kids need to learn self-control and boundaries when they are young so they can be confident and comfortable with who they are AS ADULTS.
It's sometimes very difficult for a loving parent to stick to their guns when a child is a child but in the long run to NOT do this is teaching a child to be a mentally unhealthy adult.

 

[Happy Chooks]

Quote:
Totally agree!

 

[vfem]

Ok... I'm getting lots of good advice. I've feared our stress levels here at the house may be an effect on her, and this could be her way of acting out. However, it seems to common and too day to day to act of anything other then that of a child who just wants the attention. So... that said we've got the timer on.

Started last night at dinner time... she had a stomach ache (a real one it turns out) but she ate with no agrument and beat the timer by more then 10 minutes. She didn't feel well all the way until bed, but she's ok now.

This morning I gave her some yogurt... timer is set for 30 minutes. She has less then 15 left and hasn't gotten very far. So I think this is the routine we're going to follow.

She does get GOOD snacks all day. I want everyone to know I am the 'obsessed' mama. We buy organic, we grow and can our own, we freeze our produce, trade with local farms and she can NOT have Mc D's, Burger Whatever or KF'You-know-what'. That doesn't fly around here. I do occassionally buy popcorn, chips, crackers & jello. I bake for a living so cookies happen... but I know how little processing goes into them.

Her snacks and lunches are like snack trays. (maybe that's an issue?) Where she'll get like 3 crackers, 2 pieces of cheese, 5 carrot sticks & maybe 1/2 an apple. This way she can pick a little of each. Breakfast is always small... a waffle, a cup of raisins or dried cranberries, yogurt, apple sauce... we're not very hungry in the morning so I keep it small. Its always easier to ask for more, rather then to fight for less.

I know she's upset lately about having 'turkey' in more meals though... I had a 20+ lb bird for Thanksgiving, no one took any home... and my mom called sick so she didn't come eat with us. Needless to say, we're unemployed... and we don't throw ANYTHING away! LOL

Poor girl!

But we'll run with the timer for sure...

Oh, and 'posting' the rules on the fridge... I thought today we could have some 'art & crafts' time and make a poster of pictures to show her eating and the timer going off as a reminder of the new rule! Making her draw it out with me, should really send the message home!

Thanks for the idea!

 

[HarlansHollowFarms]

Quote:
Oh my...............

I really can not say more...

 

[PotterWatch]

My oldest son is a slow eater. Always has been, always will be. Most of the time he would much rather talk than eat. We give him reminders to eat as we are eating, but when a reasonable amount of time has passed and the rest of us are done, his plate is taken away just like everyone else. There are times he is probably still hungry when he leaves the table but I figure he will eat better during the next meal.

 

[6chickens in St. Charles]

With our first, we struggled too much, too. Then later, by the time he was five, found out his eating problems were BECAUSE HE COULDN"T CHEW OR SWALLOW. He was trying, all day long, to eat, but couldn't. One day I even got angry and slapped him, something like, "just eat like normal people!"; I was at my wit's end. Then, when I found out he was NOT ABLE to eat, oh the guilt! I have cried about that for years! When I read your post, I immediately thought, "Oh God, please don't be making the mistakes I made!"

Now I know my child's problem is rare, but to be safe, I'd bring a difficult kid to the doctor, and insist on a great, thorough physical exam. If a kid is not doing age-appropriate behavior, it's usually because they CAN'T. I know it's easy to blame "attitude" and "control issues", (we're only human) but kids are not like us, they are not mature enough, and mostly that is just us adults projecting our own abilities and problems onto the little kid. Then, if the doctor can identify a real problem, it can be dealt with appropriately, and with the help of other adults so Mom is no longer alone dealing with it, and life gets easier for everyone. And if there's no physical problem found, then Great Job Mom! At least you'll know she's fine.

If I had sought help for my child earlier, he would be healthier today. Unfortunately I had overlooked his problems too long, believing it was my mothering and his "attitude" that led to mealtime struggles. That was, after all, what well-meaning friends and relatives were telling me! It wasn't until he fell out of his chair in preschool that the doctor noticed his illness, and by then he had lost most of the muscles in his neck and back. I'm still angry with myself for ignoring the obvious problem, and just relying on social advice! Egads, if a kid has trouble eating, that's an obvious problem!

p.s. Today, my "difficult eater" is an 8th grader, and a pretty good cook. After years of treatment for celiac disease, he chews and swallows most meals, mostly normally (with normal table manners!). And he is very good company at the dinner table. A bonus of his "special diet" is that we've learned to cook, and our food is great. So what started out as a struggle with a difficult eater, has turned into a lifestyle adventure with really, really great food. Oh yes, there IS life after difficult eaters!

 

[CityGirlintheCountry]

(Disclaimer- I don't have kids so take this with a grain of salt. I do have 5 nieces and watch the parenting styles of two sets of parents.)


My sister has three girls (ages 4, 6, 8). She cooks healthy meals of fairly standard fare. Her kids do not drink sodas and only have chips and junk food on rare occasions. She serves lots of yogurt, fruit, veggies and healthy proteins. She cooks one meal for the family and that is what the kids eat. She has done this since day one. If there is a way to adapt that meal for each kids' preference, then she will do so (ie not putting spaghetti sauce on the noodles, but on the side instead). The family all sits down for dinner together and the kids help set the table and then clear it after. Dinner is great fun as there is a lot of conversation. Emphasis is placed on being together and not on what they are eating. If a kid doesn't want to eat, then she doesn't have to. No big deal. If the child doesn't eat her dinner, then she gets nothing afterwards. She can just go hungry until breakfast. All three of her kids are pretty decent eaters and my sister stays very matter of fact about meals and food.
She has given them a out. Each kid gets to pick three foods that she won't eat. Every year they revisit what those three foods might be. The agreement is that if my sister fixes that particular food, the child that has it on her "out" list doesn't even have to try it and their mother will serve them something else for dinner. If it is not on their "out" list then they have to try it. It just about does away with the power struggle. The kid has complete control over what she will eat. (The other thing she does that I appreciate is that when her girls start to melt down and cry or throw a fit, she just sends them to the back. She never tells them to quit crying. She just tells them that their crying is disturbing those around them and that they need to go somewhere private until they can control themselves. This way the girls get to throw their fits and yet understand that it won't be tolerated as an attention getter.)

My brother has two girls (ages 5 and 7). From day one my SIL has obsessed over what they are eating. To this day she comes to visit my folks and immediately goes shopping for the specific foods/brands her girls will eat. She insists that they will only eat these certain things. She makes them a special meal before the rest of the family eats. They pick at their food, generally whine and fuss about it and then beg for treats all day long. She allows them to eat junk and lets them snack all day long. As a result, the kids are a huge pain at dinner. Lots of whining and carrying on.
The really interesting thing about this is that those problems went away when they spent a week here without their parents. My sister treated them just like she treats hers. Dinner that week was all really kid friendly, but she definitely didn't make a seperate meal for our nieces. Interestingly enough, once there was no point in doing the power struggle both girls ate as enthusiastically as their cousins. They drank the same milk (SIL buys a special strawberry flavor. Sis buys organic white milk.), ate the same fruit snacks, ate the same dinner meals. The food problems started back up the minute their dad came to retrieve them. Clearly this isn't about taste or texture. It is all about power and the children are winning.

I can't tell you what to do with your daughter. Clearly she is enjoying herself playing with the food. I completely sympathize with her not recognizing the passing of time. Some of us don't. It likely drives you crazy right now, but as a adult that is a really useful skill.

I don't have kids and my dogs pretty much will eat anything that isn't nailed down. Lots of people on here have given you really good practical advice. All I can think of to tell you is to take the focus away from the food. At sister's dinner table she asks each kid specific questions about their day. "What was the best thing that happened to you today?" "Who did you play with today at school?" "What is the most interesting thing that you learned today in school?" Things like that. When we have big family dinners with my parents the girls sit at the big table and participate in the dinner conversation. It certainly isn't all about them, but they do take part in the conversation. Our big family dinners are great fun and I always look forward to them. She is doing such a good job taking the focus away from the particulars of the foods and instead focusing on the act. Don't give in to the power struggle. Let's face it. You will have many, many more of them before you get done raising her.