Writing School

[RiverStorm]

Good job! What was your inspiration for writing this? I'd also like to know why you chose to call humans two-legs when birds have two feet also. Much bird. Is there rain?

Are these adopts? If so, I like it better when they have pre-packaged personalities. Seems easier to get attached to them. I'll try and come up with some. As for names, try the "fantasy name generator." I've used it quite a bit and it's pretty good.

Thanks, Fanci! I just liked they idea of a weather prompt, and didn't want to do another wolf thing, so I went with changing my character Regan to a hooded crow. (She was actually originally a crow, a crow story had been something I had looked into doing, as a RP or instead of the wolf (River) one.) I was listening to TobyMac's "The Elements" while I wrote it.
That was just my daily derp, I was too tired to go back and change it, XD
Is there rain, where I am? Not right now, but there has been plenty lately.

 

[Rose Quartz]

So, I got around to sitting at a real computer for a few minutes. I haven't had a chance to re-read through it, but here's mine. Now I get to go back and read everyone elses!

Spoiler: weather

Amber's foot slipped down into a deeper pocket, the snow pushing her pant leg up above the top of her boot burning her leg with the cold. She sighed, stopping to pull her leg out from between the fallen branches hidden below. The heel of her boot was caught, she pursed her lips frustrated at the branch and her boot. It would be easy enough to get just her foot out. She stood staring down at the sparkly white fluff, steam like dragons breath puffed out of her mouth as she breathed. If she pulled her foot out with out her boot on her foot would be wet, and she'd have to go back sooner than she wanted to. She had come out here to escape from the yelling and the oppressive heat heat from the wood stove.

She looked around for something to lean against so she wouldn't fall standing on one foot. There was nothing. Amber looked up at the grey clouds tiny snow flakes barely visible in the daylight drifted down toward the ground. She closed her eyes this is what she had come out here for. There was no real destination, just not at home. She closed her eyes and relaxed breathing in the crisp wet scent of the snow. The soft patter of the snowflakes hitting the ground was the only sound out here.

There was no hurry to go any where, the snow against her skin had already melted. She relaxed, allowing herself to fall on her back in to the snow. Eyes still closed she laid still taking in the whispers of the snow. The tiny flakes landed on her cheeks and she imagined she was a felled giant with tiny people poking at her face with spears. None breaking the skin of course, they were too small to do any damage. She smiled to herself. If she was a giant then all the tiny people would have to listen to her.

 

[Fanci Feathers Marans]

So, I got around to sitting at a real computer for a few minutes. I haven't had a chance to re-read through it, but here's mine. Now I get to go back and read everyone elses!

Spoiler: weather

Amber's foot slipped down into a deeper pocket, the snow pushing her pant leg up above the top of her boot burning her leg with the cold. She sighed, stopping to pull her leg out from between the fallen branches hidden below. The heel of her boot was caught, she pursed her lips frustrated at the branch and her boot. It would be easy enough to get just her foot out. She stood staring down at the sparkly white fluff, steam like dragons breath puffed out of her mouth as she breathed. If she pulled her foot out with out her boot on her foot would be wet, and she'd have to go back sooner than she wanted to. She had come out here to escape from the yelling and the oppressive heat heat from the wood stove.

She looked around for something to lean against so she wouldn't fall standing on one foot. There was nothing. Amber looked up at the grey clouds tiny snow flakes barely visible in the daylight drifted down toward the ground. She closed her eyes this is what she had come out here for. There was no real destination, just not at home. She closed her eyes and relaxed breathing in the crisp wet scent of the snow. The soft patter of the snowflakes hitting the ground was the only sound out here.

There was no hurry to go any where, the snow against her skin had already melted. She relaxed, allowing herself to fall on her back in to the snow. Eyes still closed she laid still taking in the whispers of the snow. The tiny flakes landed on her cheeks and she imagined she was a felled giant with tiny people poking at her face with spears. None breaking the skin of course, they were too small to do any damage. She smiled to herself. If she was a giant then all the tiny people would have to listen to her.

I feel like this writing is very flowery and there's not much going on. Why she was leaving the house was interesting, but I feel like you could have said that another way, rather than just telling us. Remember to ask yourself "can the camera see it?" while writing. Another thing you can do is use the character's voice as your author voice. Kind of show the things through jaded glass... Or however that figure of speech goes. For example, not only have I waxed floors before, but I usually watch the floor when entering a room, not wanting to meet anyone's eyes. Therefore part of my story might involve the state of the tile and peoples shoes, rather than faces and personalities. At least right off the bat.
I get that this person likes the cold, maybe you could work with that?

 

[Rose Quartz]

I feel like this writing is very flowery and there's not much going on. Why she was leaving the house was interesting, but I feel like you could have said that another way, rather than just telling us. Remember to ask yourself "can the camera see it?" while writing. Another thing you can do is use the character's voice as your author voice. Kind of show the things through jaded glass... Or however that figure of speech goes. For example, not only have I waxed floors before, but I usually watch the floor when entering a room, not wanting to meet anyone's eyes. Therefore part of my story might involve the state of the tile and peoples shoes, rather than faces and personalities. At least right off the bat.
I get that this person likes the cold, maybe you could work with that?

But, but it was just about the snow. there's plenty more going on. You are right though. I could have written it better. hmmmmm.

 

[RiverStorm]

I made these guys from an editable lineart on Chicken Smoothie (ever heard of it???)
Can you help me think of names for them??? And maybe help me develop personalities etc ?
View attachment 1554472

As for names, since it seems you went with star themes... Top, No. 2 Darksky, Bottom, No. 1 Milkyway, Bottom, No. 3 Stardance ?

 

[Amer]

Let's start with these two that I bought and still haven't done anything with. They can be a duo, or individual entities.
View attachment 1554432 View attachment 1554433

I NEED TO DO THE GYPSY ONE.

This isn't long, just something I whipped up quickly, it's late and I need to get to bed)

Spoiler: Weather - Regan, hooded crow

Darkness. Lightning. Thunder. Pelting rain.
The elements were acting as though they wished Regan to fail in her quest, to loose herself to the endless fog and roar of the falling water.
Truthfully, she could be flying in totally the wrong direction, hurling herself towards unknown dangers, or nothing at all. But, what was she if she didn't try? She would be nothing. A coward. The crow who wouldn't try to save her brother-- and her flock.
The rain had begun to slip under her feathers, causing her to shiver and waver in her flight, chilling her to her hollow bones.
Trees twisted into the air, signalling that she was flying slightly lower, trying to find her bearings.
Ancient ruins of the wingless two-legs were nuzzled between the trees, made of stone and falling apart. Now the wing lacking two-legs nested themselves in great metal jungles they made.
Regan began to beat her wings harder to stay high up, and not to collide into the trees or ruins, she squinted her eyes against the rain and wind, scanning the ground that she could hardly see.
There! Relief raced through her. She had not became lost in the wild of the storm! She folded her wings slick against her side and spiraled downward. Alighting down on the ground, she hopped inside the cave that was set at the base of a cliff. It was almost impossible to see inside, but she managed to see the outline of the herb she had came for.
She scrambled to rip it up, and tumbled backwards as she fell back, the herb successfully pulled up.
As she turned back, she could see the storm was clearing, and decided to rest until it had dissipated. It would take her some days to get back to her sick flock, and she needed her strength.
Once the storm was gone, she set off, gripping the herb.

I thought two-legs was odd too. But I don't care that much.
Something that I didn't do, but I think would be interesting, would be justifications why not to go back or finding strength in wondering what they would think if she would never come back, and wondering what she would do if she never came back but survived.
I also think it would be interesting for a remembered conflict with a character(s) that might make her think they deserve it, or make her not want to go back. And how does she find this herb? What is it? Why would one herb save a whole flock?

Thanks, Fanci! I just liked they idea of a weather prompt, and didn't want to do another wolf thing, so I went with changing my character Regan to a hooded crow. (She was actually originally a crow, a crow story had been something I had looked into doing, as a RP or instead of the wolf (River) one.) I was listening to TobyMac's "The Elements" while I wrote it.
That was just my daily derp, I was too tired to go back and change it, XD
Is there rain, where I am? Not right now, but there has been plenty lately.

It has rained nearly every day of last week. And today. XD

So, I got around to sitting at a real computer for a few minutes. I haven't had a chance to re-read through it, but here's mine. Now I get to go back and read everyone elses!

Spoiler: weather

Amber's foot slipped down into a deeper pocket, the snow pushing her pant leg up above the top of her boot burning her leg with the cold. She sighed, stopping to pull her leg out from between the fallen branches hidden below. The heel of her boot was caught, she pursed her lips frustrated at the branch and her boot. It would be easy enough to get just her foot out. She stood staring down at the sparkly white fluff, steam like dragons breath puffed out of her mouth as she breathed. If she pulled her foot out with out her boot on her foot would be wet, and she'd have to go back sooner than she wanted to. She had come out here to escape from the yelling and the oppressive heat heat from the wood stove.

She looked around for something to lean against so she wouldn't fall standing on one foot. There was nothing. Amber looked up at the grey clouds tiny snow flakes barely visible in the daylight drifted down toward the ground. She closed her eyes this is what she had come out here for. There was no real destination, just not at home. She closed her eyes and relaxed breathing in the crisp wet scent of the snow. The soft patter of the snowflakes hitting the ground was the only sound out here.

There was no hurry to go any where, the snow against her skin had already melted. She relaxed, allowing herself to fall on her back in to the snow. Eyes still closed she laid still taking in the whispers of the snow. The tiny flakes landed on her cheeks and she imagined she was a felled giant with tiny people poking at her face with spears. None breaking the skin of course, they were too small to do any damage. She smiled to herself. If she was a giant then all the tiny people would have to listen to her.

I think it would be interesting for her to reflect on what happened in conflict, and wishing she could tell them all the words inside her head. Or we could see what else is outside. What is so great outside that makes her want to be there? You told us, but more description would be better.

 

[Rose Quartz]

I NEED TO DO THE GYPSY ONE.

I thought two-legs was odd too. But I don't care that much.
Something that I didn't do, but I think would be interesting, would be justifications why not to go back or finding strength in wondering what they would think if she would never come back, and wondering what she would do if she never came back but survived.
I also think it would be interesting for a remembered conflict with a character(s) that might make her think they deserve it, or make her not want to go back. And how does she find this herb? What is it? Why would one herb save a whole flock?

It has rained nearly every day of last week. And today. XD

I think it would be interesting for her to reflect on what happened in conflict, and wishing she could tell them all the words inside her head. Or we could see what else is outside. What is so great outside that makes her want to be there? You told us, but more description would be better.

Silence. Ill have to rewrite it. I was trying to focus more on the snow. It would probably read easier as first person POV.

 

[Amer]

Let's start with these two that I bought and still haven't done anything with. They can be a duo, or individual entities.
View attachment 1554432 View attachment 1554433

Where do the ponies live? Does it have to be present day?

 

[RiverStorm]

I thought two-legs was odd too. But I don't care that much.
Something that I didn't do, but I think would be interesting, would be justifications why not to go back or finding strength in wondering what they would think if she would never come back, and wondering what she would do if she never came back but survived.
I also think it would be interesting for a remembered conflict with a character(s) that might make her think they deserve it, or make her not want to go back. And how does she find this herb? What is it? Why would one herb save a whole flock?

I'll diffidently start adding things like that into my future stories, Thanks!
The ruins. Though there are different trails, so she wasn't sure she was on the right path.
Since it's fantasy, I just made it up, I was thinking it would be called 'Tabhair' (Give) herb. Only a small amount would be needed to be consumed to heal them, and she has a small flock, and one or two other than her aren't sick but stayed behind.
This is just a small story I came up with, so there's a lot of plot holes XD

 

[Amer]

I'll diffidently start adding things like that into my future stories, Thanks!
The ruins. Though there are different trails, so she wasn't sure she was on the right path.
Since it's fantasy, I just made it up, I was thinking it would be called 'Tabhair' (Give) herb. Only a small amount would be needed to be consumed to heal them, and she has a small flock, and one or two other than her aren't sick but stayed behind.
This is just a small story I came up with, so there's a lot of plot holes XD

This bit of information makes it very intriguing.